KK's Korner

No telling what’s being thought of in the mind of a lunatic

Archive for June 26th, 2006

Normal Mode(m) Of Workplace Idiocy

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You know one of the things I love about the workplace? When you interview for a job, get a rundown of your duties and agree on a wage, only to discover that your employer neglected to inform you of the thirty other job responsibilities assigned to you. Better yet, they let you know of these newfound duties when whatever you’re responsible for breaks down. This happened to me the first time our office DSL service went kaput. You see, because I don’t fear computers (much), I’m the official IT guy. Of course, I didn’t learn of this until after the first time the DSL stopped working. Now, after many months of intensive study and rigorous training, I have developed a way to fix the many instances when our organization’s Internet setup goes haywire. You ready? Well, here’s what I do. I hope you’re sitting down for this.

I unplug the modem. Wait a few seconds. Replug.

That’s it.

And I’m the only person capable of doing this.

I swear to fucking Christ I don’t understand how our place stays in business. Whenever the Internet/e-mail is down for more than 30 seconds, I get a phone call saying, “OMG THE INTERNET IS DOWN~!” I then have to drop everything I’m doing, walk up two floors to the main office, unplug the fucking modem, wait a few seconds, and then replug it back in, all the while everyone else just sits there not having a fucking clue as of what to do. I’ve tried explaining to these people that every time I call Verizon DSL tech support, the first thing they tell me to do is unplug the modem and see if service gets kicked back on. EVERY FUCKING TIME I have had to call Verizon regarding this matter, this is what they tell me to do, and 99.9% of the time it has worked. When I ask why this happens, I don’t get a coherent answer. Of course, nobody else in our organization is capable to performing the technical magic I can. I have even offered to show people, free of charge, the complex task of UNPLUGGING AND REPLUGGING THE FUCKING MODEM. However, since this is “my job,” nobody else is able to shoulder this burden.

The last time I called off work our precious Internet service went down during my absence. I heard the next day that the Internet service was down for more than FOUR HOURS, all because nobody bothered to UNPLUG AND REPLUG THE FUCKING MODEM. I guess I should feel grateful that I’m such a valuable part of the team, but trust me hearing “OMG THE INTERNET IS DOWN~!” and having to walk up two stories just to UNPLUG AND REPLUG A FUCKING MODEM can get a little tedious, especially when I have actual work that needs to be done.

Why am I talking about this? Because this shit happened today. I was away from my office for about 45 minutes putting together a mass-mailing project. Now even though we have a midget who is supposed to be in charge of all postage matters, let’s just say I’ve learned to live by the saying of, “if you want a job done right do it yourself.” (And also because one time when he took several weeks to mail out something I needed sent ASAP due to the fact he was too fucking lazy to move a piece of equipment that weighed less than 10 lbs to get the thing that needed mailed, I was told to “go fuck myself.”) So there I was doing my thing, and after 45 minutes of work I went up to the third floor to weigh all the parcels I was sending out. Suddenly, I heard it. “OMG THE INTERNET IS DOWN~!” I was then informed that the Internet had been down for 40 MINUTES. I said that I’m already in the midst of another “crisis,” and that I can only handle one earth-shattering moment at a time. I promised that after I was done with what I was working on I’d get right onto the Internet catastrophe. After driving to and from the post office I took a 20-minute poop. Well the actual act of pooping only lasted about 30 seconds. The rest of the time was spent reading the rest of my Sunday Tribune-Review that I brought with me to work. You’ll be pleased to know that, after nearly 75 minutes of downtime, I was able to fix the precious Internet. How did I do it? Why, I UNPLUGGED AND REPLUGGED THE FUCKING MODEM.

Thank God I’m two floors away from just about every one of my co-workers.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

June 26, 2006 at 12:36 am

Posted in Life