KK's Korner

No telling what’s being thought of in the mind of a lunatic

Archive for December 2009

Top 20 Stories In My Redneck Of The Woods

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So my community fishwrap not only did a Top 10 stories of the year for my township, but one for the adjacent neo-hick community. Surely such hard-hitting topics as Sonic trying to build a store in the region and a borough’s only (part-time) police officer resigning due to tension with council over him waiting outside fire halls to arrest drunks who get in their vehicles could have been combined into one grandiose chronicling event.

Don’t believe me? Here you go:

From my township:

10: Township parks and recreation director named.
9: Memorial dedicated at park for soldier.
8: Election gives GOP slight majority to township board of commissioners for the first time in forever.
7: Township manager leaves.
6: Township commissioner’s residency questioned. (Hey, if President Hussein doesn’t have to prove his residency, why should this guy?)
5: Sonic tries again to set up shop.
4: Community center closes.
3: Two men charged with murdering a pregnant 21-year-old.
2: Wal-Mart tries to set up shop (and take over the world).
1: Flood hits area. Here’s the lead, “The region was devastated by what some emergency managment officials called a “100-year storm” on June 17 and left to fend for itself after being denied financial assistance by FEMA twice. (Hey, and our county is predominately white? What gives?)

Now here are the top 10 stories from my nearby township:

10: Crime watch established.
9: Fire truck replaced.
8: Crappy closed-down one-screen (or is it two-screen?) theater renovation project delayed.
7: Mayor retires after 50-year career.
6: Police chief retires, no replacement sought.
5: Two of four part-time members of street department axed.
4: Proposal to reverse street directions … reversed. (Don’t ask, it’s that stupid.)
3: Police officer resigns. (See my first paragraph for details.)
2: Cooking fire burns down shithole motel. (It also was the reason for Story #8.)
1: Sewer separation project destroys “Main Street.” Here’s the blurb:

The year was marred by torn up streets and detours in downtown Irwin as the borough struggled through the (DEP) Department of Environmental Protection-mandated sewer separation project.

Some business owners said the project, which started last December, chased customers out of downtown, calling it their “Irwin nightmare.”

Engineer Lucien Bove said contractors ran into a tangled mess of pipes that, in some spots, were as deep as 16 feet below the street. Each pipe, he said, had to be tested and identified.

Even with a $400,000 grant from the county and a $750,000 PennVEST grant, the project forced the borough to incur a $5.5 million debt to bring the sewers up to DEP standards.

Contractors will be back in the spring to restore pavements on the borough’s streets, including a curb-to-curb repaving of Main Street.

Basically, this clusterfuck has destroyed “downtown” Irwin. God only knows how the remaining businesses are staying open. Earlier this year, when business owners were bitching about the slow construction pace, some public official said that the owners needed to better operate their stores. What a joke.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 31, 2009 at 4:18 pm

Posted in Life

New Year, Same Old Resolutions

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So a new year is upon us. Yay. That means one thing: RESOLUTIONS.

Why do we like resolutions? Sure they’re stupid and we never accomplish losing weight or saving money, but each new year means a new calendar and a seemingly “fresh start” that will probably get tainted by Martin Luther King Jr. Day. I’m not one for resolutions, but I do like to spend late December/early January reflecting for a bit and seeing where I am and where I need to go.

In 2009 I decided to do the following lifestyle changes. How did I do?

— Eat better. Mission Accomplished, sans late November/December.

— Exercise more. Mission Accomplished.

— Pay off an extra $1500 in principal toward the mortgage. Mission Accomplished, sans November/December.

Not bad. Not bad at all. And January 1 brings on a new calendar, which means an opportunity to start a new year in which I will keep on exercising, eating better and contributing to a premature mortgage payoff.

Now what do I plan on doing for 2010?

— Bringing my older KK’s Korner content over to this place. I’ve been saying this for a half-year now and it’s time to get my ass in gear.

— Converting my CDs and tape into MP3 format. Five down, several hundred to go. Ugh.

— Keeping the house tidy. Mrs. kkk and I recently did a thorough cleaning of the house, and each time we accomplish such a task I vow not to shit up the house again. Of course, this is always easier said than done. However, not only is it a new year but it’s a new decade. Things can change, can’t they?

We’ll see, but if I fail I can always say, “Well the REAL decade doesn’t start until 2011 because of the ‘there was no Year Zero.'” But most of those people who bring up this logic are smarmy assholes.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 30, 2009 at 5:03 pm

Posted in Life

Betting The House This Payment Won’t Go Through

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I swear to Christ that Bank of America doesn’t want my mortgage payments anymore. Why? Their online bill pay feature hasn’t worked right ever since this place took over my mortgage AND nobody in the customer service department can find my account. I didn’t have any problems paying my mortgage online for more than five years, but now I have had to call customer service for the last two payments. I think the highlight came when I spent five minutes playing the phone directory tree game only to get, “Your call did not go through,” and getting cut-off.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!

On the bright side, if I stop paying my mortgage, I’m sure Bank of America wouldn’t know how to reach me.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 29, 2009 at 5:13 pm

Posted in Life

Is That A Bomb In Your Pants Or Are You Just Happy To Jihad?

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An underwear bomb? That would hurt like hell.

A singed pair of underwear with a packet of powder sewn into the crotch, seen in government photos obtained exclusively by ABC News, is all that remains of al Qaeda’s attempt to down an American passenger plane over Detroit.

As seen in these photos, the alleged bomb consisted of a packet of powder sewn into the briefs of Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, a 23-year-old Nigerian. Al Qaeda took credit Monday for the attempted bombing, boasted of its ability to overcome U.S. intelligence and airport security, and promised new attacks.

The first photo, to the left, shows the slightly charred underpants with the bomb packet still in place. All photos include a ruler to provide scale.

Who the hell would agree to this? And how exactly does an Al Qaeda recruiter manage to convince someone that this is a good idea? What use would be all those virgins in the afterlife if the bomber’s junk was ground zero?

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 28, 2009 at 3:56 pm

Posted in News

This State’s Top Stories Are A Real Gem

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So I just read an article on the top 10 Idaho-related stories of 2009. I have no idea why I’m obsessed with this state so much. With that said, anyone who says they liked Napoleon Dynamite automatically goes down a notch (or three) in my Book of Awesomeness, which is where I track such things.

Here are the stories that topped the Gem State in case you are a Spud-oholic like me:

More than 33,000 jobs lost, millions of dollars cut from the state budget and foreclosures peppering neighborhoods across the state—many Idaho residents spent 2009 hoping and praying for better times ahead.

The economic crisis touched nearly every aspect of life in Idaho, reaching into public school classrooms, local housing markets, the halls of the Statehouse and the courts to become the biggest news story of 2009.

Still, hopes are high that economic recovery could be the story of 2010: Idaho’s chief economist Mike Ferguson said earlier this month that Idaho’s non-farm employment showed a slight uptick in jobs in November. Ferguson said if the trend holds, it could mean the state has hit rock bottom and can begin to look for a path out of the HUSSEIN recession.

Here are the other top stories of 2009 chosen by The Associated Press:
____

Idaho soldier missing in Afghanistan:

The news began July 2 as a cryptic U.S. military announcement: An Army private was in Taliban hands after walking off his base in eastern Afghanistan. No name was released, officials said, to protect the soldier.

On July 17, however, the frightened face of Bowe Bergdahl, from tiny Hailey, Idaho, became familiar to the world after Taliban militants released a video of 23-year-old. Residents of Hailey adorned Main Street trees with yellow ribbons. Their message: “Bring Bowe Home.”

In mid-December, the Taliban’s media arm announced it would release a new video of a captive U.S. soldier. So far, however, no video has emerged publicly.
____

Public wolf hunts:

Idaho was joined by Montana in opening the first gray wolf hunts in the lower 48 states after the animal was removed from the endangered list across much of the Northern Rockies. Gray wolves once ranged from Alaska to Mexico, but hunting, trapping and government-sponsored poisoning wiped out the species across most of the lower 48 states by the 1930s. The animals were listed as endangered in 1974, and didn’t return to the region in significant numbers until 66 Canadian wolves were relocated to Idaho and Wyoming in the mid-1990s.

Idaho’s efforts to allow the animals to be hunting spawned federal lawsuits, but despite the legal battles the season opened Sept. 1 with a quota of 220 wolves.
____

The acquittal of Robert Aragon:

The trial of an Idaho man who let his two young children walk several miles in freezing conditions along an isolated rural highway last Christmas Day unfolded in October. Robert Aragon was driving his daughter, Sage, 11, and son, Bear, 12, to see their mother for the holidays when his car slid into the snow bank. The children started walking, but Sage did not survive the snowy trek. Aragon was charged in the death of Sage and for allowing Bear to suffer hypothermia. Aragon was acquitted after less than five days of testimony.
____

The murder of Robert Manwill:

A mother and her boyfriend pleaded for help after an Idaho boy went missing this summer, resulting in what Boise police called the largest search for a missing person in the city’s history. Thousands of residents helped look for 8-year-old Robert Manwill, whose body was found more than a week later in an irrigation canal. His mother, Melissa Jenkins and her boyfriend, Daniel Ehrlick, each are charged with first-degree murder. The trial has been scheduled for April 2010. Defense attorneys have asked a judge to hold separate trials for the two, and move the proceedings.
____

Nellis and UI:

Duane Nellis, who cited too little money when he turned down an offer to become the University of Idaho’s president, took the job in April after the state Board of Education sweetened the deal. The board agreed to waive a policy prohibiting multiyear contracts and the use of private funds to supplement the salaries of university presidents, giving Nellis a three-year contract and annual base salary of $335,000. Of that, $37,000 came from the university’s foundation. The board later extended multiyear contracts to the presidents of Idaho’s other four-year institutions.
____

Football Frenzy:

A turnaround season for the University of Idaho football team was topped off with the Vandals’ first bowl game in more than a decade, and in their home state. The Vandals (7-5) were invited to play Bowling Green in the Humanitarian Bowl on Dec. 30. The teams will square off on the blue turf at Boise State, where the Broncos dominated again this year and earned another trip to a big-money bowl. No. 6 Boise State (13-0) will play No. 3 TCU in the Fiesta Bowl on Jan. 4.
____

Tamarack saga:

French-born resort entrepreneur Jean-Pierre Boespflug pushed Tamarack Resort in 2004 as the first all-season U.S. vacation getaway in a quarter-century. After defaulting on a $250 million construction loan to a lender group led by Zurich-based Credit Suisse Group, however, Boespflug’s project 90 miles north of Boise runs the risk of another enduring legacy: The first major ski resort to go completely bust since a Colorado project folded its tent in 1974.

Lifts at Tamarack will be idle this winter; in December, Bank of America filed papers in U.S. Bankruptcy Court, its latest bid to repossess ski lifts.
____

Pam and politics:

Fired Idaho Transportation Department Director Pam Lowe launched a counterattack when she sued the state in November, alleging she was forced out illegally after refusing to buckle to demands by Gov. C.L. “Butch” Otter’s aides not to cut a highway contract with companies that are among his biggest campaign contributors. Lowe, the department’s first female director ever, also said she was a victim of gender discrimination.

Otter has since said he backed Lowe’s ouster, not because she was making life tough on his political friends, but because she’d lost the confidence of his office and of the Idaho Legislature.
____

Prison problems:

Idaho’s prisons were plagued with problems in 2009, kicking off the year with a riot that destroyed a prison warehouse. The department remodeled the warehouse into a cellblock so that 300 inmates that were being held in expensive out-of-state prisons could be brought back to Idaho. But some of the inmates rioted, destroying the building and leaving the state with no other choice but to overcrowd the prison, violating a long-standing court ruling against inhumane treatment of inmates.

The state also had to defend itself against lawsuits brought by several inmates—many of them housed at the privately run Idaho Correctional Center—contending that guards failed to protect them from gang members. A federal judge consolidated the cases and then partially dismissed them, but some of the inmates’ cases are proceeding. A review of hundreds of documents by The Associated Press showed the private prison had a dramatically higher rate of inmate-on-inmate assaults compared with the state-run facilities in the state.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 28, 2009 at 3:48 pm

Posted in News

Top KK’s Korner Searches For 12/27/09

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I haven’t done one of these in a while. Let’s see what’s putting butts in the seats for the end of 2009.

touch my girl belly button
belly button finger
girls playing belly button games
boy belly button
girls belly buttons

You know, I almost regret posting the entry that is causing all of this.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 27, 2009 at 5:51 pm

Posted in Top Searches

California Keeps Abreast Of Federal Task Force Recommendations

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What’s the big deal? That expert federal task force said most women should wait until they’re 50 years old before getting routine mammograms. With the budget issues facing California, why shouldn’t the state try to … ahem … ration health care to those that REALLY need it?

The dollars saved are nearly negligible, but the political costs of scaling back breast cancer screening for tens of thousands of low-income women have turned out to be huge.

Twenty-one members of California’s congressional delegation — Republicans and Democrats alike — have sent a letter rebuking the governor for the move, and state lawmakers are warning that people will die. Audits are being demanded. “Diagnosis delayed leads to death,” said Assemblyman Pedro Nava, a Democrat from Santa Barbara.

At issue is an early December decision by the Schwarzenegger administration to stop providing free breast cancer screening for those younger than 50 and to freeze new enrollments for six months starting in the new year. The changes inject a “cruel level of confusion,” Nava said, for poor women seeking breast exams in the Every Woman Counts program, which served 311,000 in the 2008-09 fiscal year.

“This is unacceptable,” a bipartisan congressional group wrote to Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger this month. Eliminating free screenings, they warned, was “ultimately placing more women at risk of dying from breast cancer.”

About 1.2 million women are eligible for the program, advocates say, though far fewer receive the free mammograms. Single women earning up to $21,600 per year can sign up. The income limit for a woman in a family of four is $44,100.

The new rules are being written fewer than two months after a federal task force released a controversial opinion recommending that most women wait until age 50 to receive routine mammograms, and then get them once every two years. Administration officials said the changes to Every Woman Counts have nothing to do with those guidelines.

The hot-button issue of curtailing free mammograms for the poor has resonated from Sacramento to Washington. The 21 California members of Congress decried the cutbacks of the partly federally funded $61 million program as “penny unwise and pound foolish.”

Boy I sure can’t wait until all of this is FREE.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 27, 2009 at 5:48 pm

Posted in News

Ornament KKKlass Of 2009

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So today was the kkk household’s after-Christmas shopping excursion. I normally prefer Black Friday to the day after Xmas, but there are some deals to be had. Mrs. kkk used to go out on December 26 with the crack-whore niece-in-law, but now she prefers my company — mostly because I’m not sleeping in until 5 pm each day thanks to drugs and booze and complaining the entire trip out.

This year featured me swapping out my dress-pants wardrobe. Hey, the pants were 60-70 percent off and comfortable, so now I can wear workplace pants that are a better fit (slimming down, not fattening up). Sears had some jeans on sale as well, and I got a few of them. Oddly enough, I tried on the cheaper jeans and wondered if the more expensive brands, which were also on sale but not as much, would be a more comfortable fit. They weren’t. Not by a long shot.

After our trips to the mall and some other stores, we had lunch at Panera. As I said before, this place is WAAAAAY overpriced, but we weren’t hungry enough for a sit-down place, and I didn’t want the greasy shit you’d find at a regular fast-food place. I must say that Panera does seem to have a pretty good system in place: clean and efficient. Why am I talking about my lunch at a hippie store? Because I was reminded of one my rules of life: Anyone who wants to wear a shirt that says, “Future MILF” needs to first get approval from an independent third party panel consisting of a wide variety of males from all walks of life. That’s all I gotta say.

Oh, and here are this year’s class of ornaments which will go on next year’s kkkhristmas tree.

Bottom row, from the left: Han Solo dressed as a stormtrooper, Godzilla getting his eat on, Anakin Skywalker/Ahsoka Tano, Bolt, Obi/Qui-Gon/Maul getting their fight on, Luke Skywalker getting his drive on.

Middle row, from the left: Generic kitty ornaments 1, 2 and 3, Autobots logo, Put-your-cat’s-picture-here ornament, Indiana Jones getting his tomb rading on, Wolverine.

Top row, from the left: “Squirrel” figure 1 and 2, even though both look more like hedgehogs. Whatever, they were 80 percent off and the better half thought they were cute.

I was tempted to get Captain America to go along with Wolverine, but after that whole Civil War thing, I don’t want that terrorist anywhere NEAR my tree.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 26, 2009 at 7:41 pm

Posted in Life

A Sit-In With The In-Laws

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So this year’s kkkhristmas was uneventful. The better half and I got each other nothing, which surprised me. Whenever we have agreed to this protocol in year’s past, she has always broken the rules and ended up getting me a DVD or video game. This year was a present-less affair, except for the cats. They all got their usual balls/mice/toys, which none of them actually played with.

Later today we went to the brother-in-law’s place for the annual Christmas dinner, and because the crack-whore niece-in-law did not show up the whole event was drama-free. Amazing how that happens. Now that the niece- and nephew-in-law are getting older, this event isn’t all that remarkable either. However, this year did achieve a milestone of some sorts. After the mother- and father-in-law left, the better half and I stayed and bullshitted with the brother-in-law and his wife about the usual stuff: the crack-whore sister-in-law, the crack-whore niece-in-law, etc. This year included the 13-year-old nephew-in-law at the table with us listening in on all the gossip. I can only imagine what he was thinking being allowed to listen in on the adults talking about adult stuff. This kid’s bright enough to understand that the niece-in-law is a crack-whore, but it’s a whole different story when you are sitting there and hearing your parents/aunt/uncle-in-law talk about this subject. It’s just another sign that the nephew-in-law is becoming a man. On the totem pole I would put this above “getting gift cards/cash for holidays instead of toys” but below “masterbating.”

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 25, 2009 at 8:59 pm

Posted in Life

Give Me A Break From Gift-Giving

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Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kkk house … I was stirring my coffee and felt like typing up the following:

One thing that I really don’t like about this time of year is the exchanging of gift (cards) among adults during the holiday season. Here’s what I do in regards to gift-giving at work: I get the boss something, or should I say I “get her dog” something. This year it was a pet bed that Mrs. kkk got at Kohl’s on Black Friday. (You can bet your ass I’m getting the boss something each year, especially considering the amount of an end-of-year bonus check she gives me. Besides, I actually LIKE getting her — and the dog — stuff.)

In regards to everyone else at work, I have a stockpile of gifts in my one drawer and give these out whenever I receive a gift from someone else. This year I handed out was a box full of cookies. Someone gives me something, I give a box to them. Sound Grinch-y? Whatever. Years ago I actually used to care about getting gifts for people. What happened? Each time I would give a gift I would receive a look from the receiver which translated to, “Oh shit, now I have to get HIM something now.” In one instance someone wrote a check for the amount he guessed I spent on him.

And I do my best to practice what I preach. Yesterday I received a package from someone I know and for the second year in a row I FORGOT TO SEND THIS PERSON SOMETHING~! FUUUUCK. What did I do? I sent him a message saying “thanks” and out of respect for his gift I’m not sending him anything. Sounds cheap? Whatever. Having been on the end of these things in the past, I got annoyed if someone sent back a “gift” that had no thought behind it. To me that degrades the original gift and its intent. I’ll just remember to hook this person up real nice next year … if I remember, that is.

I talked about what I do at work when it comes to gift-giving, now it’s time to talk about outside the office. Tomorrow the better half and I will go to the brother-in-law’s house for the annual Christmas get-together. We will give $50 Target gift cards and we will receive in return … $50 gift cards from a big-box retail store. Seriously, what’s the point? There should be an embargo on gift-giving among adults. And I’m not going to hate on gift cards. Sure they’re thoughtless, but it’s better than buying something a person doesn’t want/need. It just seems stupid to swap gift cards (or similar stupid gifts) when the real point of Christmas is getting kids stuff. Oh, and that whole Jesus-being-born-thing, too.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 24, 2009 at 10:45 pm

Posted in Life

A Long Time Ago On A Television Set (Hopefully) Far, Far Away From You

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So what did I most looking forward to today?

The last day of work for the next five days? No.

Helping the boss out in giving gifts to underprivileged children? Not really.

Getting ready to spend time with family on Friday? FUCK NO.

If you guessed “Watching the Nostalgia Critic’s review of a Star Wars Holiday special,” then move to the front of the class. Sometimes I wonder why I’m even on this planet in the first place.

I had heard of this monstrosity but I had never actually seen any footage of this abomination. Today my cherry was popped. My God…

Bea Arthur?

Art Carney?

The First Lady?

(Sure this is probably an incident she would not want to remember, but we’ve all done stupid things in our youth.)

I think what amazes me the most about this Holiday Special is that even AFTER this was televised people still went to see the “Empire Strikes Back.” Now that’s saying something.

Oh, yeah. Happy LIFE DAY everyone. Or, as the First Lady would say:

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 23, 2009 at 11:34 pm

Posted in Entertainment

Game Over

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So whatever happened to just taking the video game system away from the kid?

It’s game over for a 14-year-old Roxbury boy, whose overwhelmed mother was so exasperated with his incessant video game playing that she called the cops on him.

The final straw for Angela Mejia snapped at 2:30 a.m. Saturday when, “I woke up in the middle of the night and saw the light on in his bedroom,” hours after she had told him to go to sleep.

“Sometimes I want to run away, too,” Mejia said, breaking down in tears in her immaculate apartment. “I have support from my church, but I’m alone. I want to help my son, but I can’t find a way.”

Oh for God’s sake — they’re going to try and make this story personal.

Mejia is among thousands of parents struggling with today’s video-game obsessed youth. The Entertainment Software Association reports the popularity of video games is skyrocketing, with 42 percent of adults intending to give, or hoping to find one in their Christmas stocking this week.

Grand Theft Auto? I’m surprised the did didn’t bust a cap in his mom’s backside.

Mejia’s son – one of four children the 49-year-old is raising alone – was playing “Grand Theft Auto,” an exceedingly violent video in which the gamer assumes the role of ladder-climbing criminal.

An argument ensued as Mejia unplugged her son’s PlayStation. Then, this mad-as-hell mother dialed 911. Police responded and managed to talk the boy into shutting off the game and going to sleep.

“They (police) were just like, ‘Chill out. Go to bed,’ ” the boy told the Herald.

If these cops could say that and NOT laugh in this family’s face, they deserve a medal.

Look, I played a shitload of video games as a kid and look how great I turned out.

Moving along, my mom also had her fair share of arguments with me over too much video game exposure, but she didn’t call the freakin’ POLICE over this. Good Christ, talk about a Nanny State. Next thing you know we’ll have government-run health-care.

Sonofabitch.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 22, 2009 at 10:24 pm

Posted in Entertainment

MP3 MVP

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So here’s a nice little story that spent a week in the making.

Last Monday I was at the grocery store doing my usual weekly trip. For the last few weeks I’ve been listening to an MP3 player while shopping, which beats having to listen to people around me. I went to the check-out line and patiently waited my turn. The cashier was chatting up a storm with the two customers in front of me, and please note this isn’t a criticism. She must be new to the job because she was actually cheery. But when it was my turn the mood completely changed.

Yeah, I have that effect on people.

I don’t walk around with a scowl (or at least I don’t think I do), but I don’t look to chitchat. Get in. Get out. I’m content. One thing I found interesting was that this cashier didn’t have a bagger, and she was VERY appreciative of the customers in front of me who bagged a handful of groceries. However, when it was my turn at bat her attitude was a complete 180. Not only did she do jack shit in assisting my bagging, but she seemed “impatient” for the fact I bagged all my groceries before paying for my bill. I don’t mind bagging but I’m not going to bag, pay and continue bagging — eventually getting pushed out of the way by the next customer whose groceries are now getting scanned.

Well after I paid for my groceries I left and I noticed that the cashier said something to the customer behind me and laughter broke out. Hmmm.

Fast forward to earlier tonight when I was back at the grocery store. I did my shopping, MP3 player still doing its thing, and went to the cashier with the shortest line. Guess who? Yep. The chick from last week.

I put my items on the belt and didn’t act any differently than last week. This time she had a bag person so I was face-to-face with this chick, who did a similar 180-degree mood swing from the previous customer to me like last week. Well this was the part in a transaction when the cashier is supposed to ask the customer if they want to use their foodperks. (Don’t ask.) I looked at her and said, “I’m not going to use my foodperks this week. Thank you.” Her eyes got wide. The following conversation took place.

“I don’t have the MP3 player on when I’m in the check-out line.”

“Oh … well … now I feel silly.”

“Not a problem. It’s completely understandable since I have these *points to ear buds* still in. Besides, it’s always interesting to hear what people say when they don’t think you can hear them.”

Boy you should have seen the look on her face after that line.

I have no idea what/if she said anything about me last week. I acted liked she did, and I think I can make this conviction based on circumstantial evidence. I really don’t care; I’ve been called worse. But why did I do this?

And for the record, I will not be abandoning my MP3 listening any time soon. I realized on Saturday that if you have an MP3 player on at the mall those kiosk people leave you alone. I even had one start to approach me, see my ear buds and stop.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 21, 2009 at 9:01 pm

Posted in Life

34+ Points Ain’t Because Of Experience With 3-4 Defenses

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So I watched part of the Packers/Stillers game tonight. Memo to Joe Buck: The reason for the “up and down the field” flow of the Packers/Steelers game is NOT because these teams go up against similar 3-4 defensive schemes in practice.

Wow did Pittsburgh’s defense get real old real fast. Then again, losing two key starters (Aaron Smith on the line and Troy Polamalu in the secondary) can do that to any defensive unit.

And for the record, Mike Tomlin’s decision to try an onside kick wasn’t that bad an idea. I wasn’t expecting it. I’m sure the other team wasn’t either. Seemed like a “hunch” and I’d rather have a coach go by his gut than by the numbers. Bill Cowher did the same thing in Super Bowl XXX and that was considered a BRILLIANT move. Then again, that’s probably because back in 1996 that onside kick worked.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 20, 2009 at 9:01 pm

Posted in Sports

Picture A Climate Summit That Doesn’t Include Snow

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So this got a chuckle from me.

The photographer had been booked for midday but as the UN climate summit dragged into overtime Friday, the traditional heads of state portrait fell victim to divisions among the family of leaders.

An official statement at the conference said the portrait had been postponed and it was hoped to be rearranged before the leaders leave Copenhagen.

“The president (Danish Prime Minister Lars Loekke Rasmussen) has made the negotiations and efforts to reach an agreement the priority,” it said.

But Russian President Dmitry Medvedev was already on a plane out of Copenhagen, while US President Hussein and Japanese Prime Minister Yukio Hatoyama were scheduled to fly out on Friday night, sources said.

No, not the whole If-you’re-going-to-have-a-global-warming-summit-do-it-in-the-SUMMER line of thinking.

No, not the whole If-you’re-going-to-have-a-global-warming-summit-don’t-have-the-attendees-fly-in-private-jets-and-ride-in-limos routine.

What made me laugh?

“Negotiations” had to be made for a group photo.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 19, 2009 at 9:39 am

Posted in News

KKKhristmas Means KKKarnage

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So earlier this week the kkkhristmas tree was put up and pictures were taken. A real Rockwell moment.

Now it’s time for reality.

As I said in the previous entry, we expect the cats to mess around with the tree. They did not disappoint.

Here’s what the tree looked like Thursday from the front.

Here’s what the tree looked like Thursday from the back.

Notice anything different in these two pictures from the first? Somebody went into the tree, wreaked havoc with the bottom branches and knocked several more ornaments onto the floor. Who was the culprit?

The Gray Wizard tried as hard as he could, but he was no match for the White Menace.

Now for the $64,000 question: Do I care?

No. They’re cats. It’s what they do. But here’s the best part.

As we were looking over the carnage we came across this.

Why whatever could this be? Let’s lift up the tree’s skirt (that sounds hawt).

It’s the Emperor Palpatine ornament.

Bella got up here…

…knocked the Palpatine ornament down, covered it up and left unmolested the bear which was giving the Ruler of the Darkside a lap dance.

Before

After

How can anyone get mad at this?

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 19, 2009 at 9:04 am

Posted in Life

A Saab Story

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Can’t blame President Hussein on this one. Was never a fan of Saabs. Then again I know dick about cars to begin with.

Government Motors Co said it would begin shutting down its money-losing Saab brand after last-ditch talks to sell it to a small Dutch sports car builder collapsed on Friday.

The move by GM to abandon the 60-year-old Swedish auto brand would eliminate 3,400 jobs in Sweden and drop 1,100 Saab dealers who have watched with increasing concern as 10 months of talks to sell the brand sputtered out in recent weeks.

Why am I posting this? To bust the old school title and rhymes. Sobb/Saab, close enough. Then again, I thought this song was always titled “Saab Story” because of the subject matter of being without a vehicle. Never owned the actual album so I don’t know what the track listing says. Google images are doing nothing for me. Oh fiddle sticks.

There’s a remix? No thanks. Too close to the original. I also don’t like the horns.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 18, 2009 at 10:07 pm

Posted in News

Is Your State Happy And Do You Know It?

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The hell is this?

A new study found that people who report more satisfaction with their lives live in states that score well on things like good schools, low crime and short commuting time, perhaps a first objective look at why some states are happier than others.

Now I saw the headline before reading this story so I made a guess as to the happiest state, most miserable state and where my state — Pennsylvania — ranks on this list.

Happiest: Hmmm, I’m thinking Colarado, but there’s all that snow. It’s probably a sunny state, but I’ll stick with CO.

Grumiest: Either N00-Yawk or Michigan. I’ll take the latter.

Pennsylvania: My state usually ranks in the middle of everything. With the shit bin known as Philadelphia on the other side of the state, I’ll say we’re probably closer to the bottom. I’ll say … 40.

Here are the results:

1. Louisiana

2. Hawaii

3. Florida

4. Tennessee

5. Arizona

6. South Carolina

7. Mississippi

8. Montana

9. Alabama

10. Maine

11. Wyoming

12. Alaska

13. North Carolina

14. South Dakota

15. Texas

16. Idaho

17. Vermont

18. Arkansas

19. Georgia

20. Utah

21. Oklahoma

22. Delaware

23. Colorado

24. New Mexico

25. North Dakota

26. Minnesota

27. Virginia

28. New Hampshire

29. Wisconsin

30. Oregon

31. Iowa

32. Kansas

33. Nebraska

34. West Virginia

35. Kentucky

36. Washington

37. District of Columbia

38. Missouri

39. Nevada

40. Maryland

41. Pennsylvania

42. Rhode Island

43. Ohio

44. Massachusetts

45. Illinois

46. California

47. New Jersey

48. Indiana

49. Michigan

50. Connecticut

51. New York

Damn, I was off with Colorado. Can’t believe I forgot about Hawaii. Now that I think about, Louisiana makes sense considering many of the Katrina-ites have been relocated to other states. I’d be happy with that, too, if I was a Louisiana taxpayer. I was one off with Pennsylvania and had the bottom of the pile switched up. I can understand Connecticut as well.

Guess this means I can spot misery a mile away. Why am I not surprised?

Eliminate Philadelphia from this equation and Pennsylvania jumps into the teens on this hippie list. And because it’s the season for giving I’ll let someone else make the “eliminate me from the equation and Pennsylvania jumps into the single digits” remark.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 18, 2009 at 10:00 pm

Posted in News

I Don’t Care If You Hit PETA With A Bat Or Hockey Stick

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Oh for fuck’s sake. Doesn’t PETA have anything better to do? Seriously

An American junior hockey team is under fire from animal rights activists for killing a bat that flew into its arena during a game.

Coach Jon Cooper of the Green Bay Gamblers in Wisconsin on Wednesday defended his decision to send three of his players to go after the bat with sticks in hand. The Gamblers were playing the Cedar Rapids RoughRiders on Tuesday night when the bat showed up.

Tori Perry of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals says the team should have tried to net the animal and release it.

But Cooper tells WLUK-TV the incident has turned into “Batgate,” and says his concern was protecting the players and the hundreds of fans in the arena from any threat of rabies.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 18, 2009 at 9:47 pm

Posted in Sports

Christmas Carol Commuting

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So there’s this local radio station that plays Christmas music 24/7 from Turkey Day to Jesus’ birth. Mrs. kkk listens to this local radio station that plays Christmas music 24/7 from Turkey Day to Jesus’ birth. So that means on the drive to and from work I’m listening to the radio station that plays Christmas music 24/7 from Turkey Day to Jesus’ birth.

Joy to the world.

So now I’ve listened to as much Christmas music in the past two weeks than I have in the past 33 years, and I have one question. In “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” what do “scary ghost stories” have to do with Christmas?

There’ll be parties for hosting
Marshmallows for toasting
And caroling out in the snow
There’ll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories of
Christmases long, long ago

Could this be about the birth of Jesus?

Ruh-Roh.

And don’t get me started on Frosty the Snowman. Too late.

Frosty the snowman knew
The sun was hot that day,
So he said, “Let’s run and
We’ll have some fun
Now before I melt away.”

Down to the village,
With a broomstick in his hand,
Running here and there all
Around the square saying,
Catch me if you can.
He led them down the streets of town
Right to the traffic cop.
And he only paused a moment when
He heard him holler “Stop!”
For Frosty the snow man
Had to hurry on his way,
But he waved goodbye saying,
“Don’t you cry,
I’ll be back again some day.”

Dude goes off to die and tells the kids everything’s gonna be alright. Wow that’s morbid.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 17, 2009 at 10:41 pm

Posted in Entertainment

All In The Name

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Another baseball player busted for roids (or whatever). Yawn.

His name is what? Well that changes things. He gets his very own entry.

Former major league infielder Gookie Dawkins has been given a 50-game drug suspension.

Dawkins was penalized Thursday after a second positive test in the minors for a drug of abuse.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 17, 2009 at 9:39 pm

Posted in Sports

Everyday’s A Wednesday When You’re A Crack-Whore

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So I almost forgot about this gem regarding the crack-whore niece-in-law that took place last week.

Long story shorter. The better half works on this research study. It involves crack moms whose children have been involved in the Children/Youth Services system. Don’t ask me what it’s about because I don’t care. Well, the study is in the stage where crack moms are about to be interviewed. But before Mrs. kkk starts doing this, her office wanted to conduct a test interview or two in order to make sure the questions flowed and there weren’t any awkward instances.

Enter the crack-whore niece-in-law.

Sure her kid hasn’t been involved in CYS yet, but it’s only a matter of time. Other than this little aspect, the crack-whore niece-in-law fits the profile as a test subject quite nicely. Here was the plan: The better half, her boss and co-worker would pay a visit to the crack-whore niece-in-law on Thursday at 1 pm. The interview would take place and the crack-whore niece-in-law would get paid. A win-win for everyone. Yay.

For almost a WEEK, Mrs. kkk reminded the crack-whore niece-in-law to expect her arrival at 1 pm. These reminders came in the form of phone calls and texts. Well on that Thursday 12:45 pm came, and the better half’s entourage knocked on the crack-whore niece-in-law’s door.

Uh-oh.

1 pm and still no answer at the door.

After 15 more minutes of knocking Mrs. kkk and company heard a baby inside. The kid woke up. Shortly thereafter the crack-whore niece-in-law opened the door. She had been asleep. Mrs. kkk then told me about the following exchange which took place. You can figure out who’s who.

“What are you doing here?”

“Your appointment at 1 pm. REMEMBER?

“But that’s not until Thursday. It’s Wednesday.”

“…”

The crack-whore niece-in-law didn’t know what day it was.

I’d like to say that Mrs. kkk was surprised by this, but suffice to say she wasn’t.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 17, 2009 at 9:26 pm

Posted in Life

A Not-So-Sweetner Discovery

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Boy I did now.

Long story shorter. I’m not a coffee expert. In fact for most of my life I never drank the shit. That was until 1996 when I worked 16+ hour shifts at the Quickie Mart during college. Then the allure of coffee started to grow on me. But here’s the thing. I don’t actually like the taste of coffee. I put so much shit into my cup that I might as well call what I drink a mix of creamer and Splenda with some coffee thrown in to mix everything up.

Why am I talking about this? Well, YEARS ago (I can’t remember how long) I bought one of those General Mills International things.

I gave it a whirl and my God was it horrid. I just kept the container in the cupboard and never bothered to use it again. There have been a few instances when I’d give this shit another shot, but each time I wanted to gag. Why didn’t I throw it away? Because I’m a cheap bastard.

Anyway, the cupboard is getting pretty full and I decided to start emptying half-empty foodstuffs. Enter this “International Coffee” shit. I had to use it up, but where? I know. I’ll put a tablespoon in my coffee beverage. Wait a second. I like this.

FUCK

This overpriced garbage has been hanging around my life for YEARS, and now that I wanted to get rid of it I actually LIKE it when used as part of my artificial sweetner orgy. Oh well, we all gotta go sometime I guess.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 17, 2009 at 9:13 pm

Posted in Life

Ho This

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I don’t care if this was “light-hearted research.” This is how the health Nazis always start out.

Yes, Virginia, there really is a Santa Claus. And he’s a public health menace.

Public health expert Nathan Grills of Monash University in Australia says the beloved Christmas icon should ditch his sleigh and start biking or walking to lose his jelly belly.

Grills’ light-hearted research was published online Thursday in the annual Christmas issue of the British medical journal BMJ.

After conducting a literature review, Grills identified a “very high Santa awareness” among children. He determined that Santa made a reckless role model, noting his frequent cookie snacks, occasional cigars and refusal to don a helmet during “extreme sports such as roof surfing and chimney jumping.”

“Santa is a late adopter of evidence-based behavior change and continues to sport a rotund, sedentary image,” Grills wrote.

He also found a correlation between countries that celebrate Santa and large numbers of fat children.

“Santa promotes a message that obesity is synonymous with cheerfulness and joviality,” Grills wrote. He suggested that jolly old Saint Nick should swap his traditional snacks of cookies and milk in favor of sharing carrots with Rudolph.

More disturbingly, Grills said Santa’s close-up contact with sniffling, coughing kids made him a one-man outbreak waiting to happen, with swine flu the biggest seasonal concern.

“Unsuspecting little Johnny gets to sit on Santa’s lap, but as well as his present, he gets H1N1 influenza,” Grills warned.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 16, 2009 at 10:58 pm

Posted in News

Not Green With Envy Over Today’s School Lunches

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Of course the kids aren’t going to EAT these “healthier” options. They’ll just opt for more junk food. If the “they’re just going to do it anyway” mindset is good enough to hand out rubbers, why can’t it be good enough to hand out junk food?

Wait, I’m AGAINST our children eating better?

I really am a partisan hack.

Lunchtime will be greener, crunchier, more local and likely healthier if legislation introduced Wednesday to put more fruits and vegetables in school cafeterias passes.

Then again, Congress better focus on more veggies because meat? Well…

In the past three years, the government has provided the nation’s schools with millions of pounds of beef and chicken that wouldn’t meet the quality or safety standards of many fast-food restaurants, from Jack in the Box and other burger places to chicken chains such as KFC, a USA TODAY investigation found.

I must say, upon reflection of my youth, most of my school lunches were pretty damn good. I never liked Hoagie day, but that’s when I went into the snack aisle and created my own lunch made up of cookies and ice cream. I must say that my school’s uber-lunch that was served a few times a year was awesome. For $1.50 here’s what you got:

Turkey
Stuffing
Mashed Potatoes
Corn
Roll
Apple Crisp

Now that was some good shit.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 16, 2009 at 10:52 pm

Posted in News

Pump Down The Volume

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Well at least they are focusing on the important things.

The House passed has passed a bill that would bar TV commercials from being louder than the programs in which they appear.

You know what? If it comes down to these assclowns passing a shit sandwich called Health Care Deform and stupid stuff like this, I’ll opt for the latter every time.

Of course, I can’t wait to see how this legislation will backfire.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 16, 2009 at 10:37 pm

Posted in News

This Bill Gives Me Indigestion

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Dang, that’s more than I spend in a YEAR on groceries…

Guam Delegate Madeleine Z Bordallo spent $6,090 on food and beverages on Aug 11 while visiting her home district with the U.S. House Natural Resources Committee.

…with coupons, of course. Oh, and Sam’s Club, too.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 16, 2009 at 10:33 pm

Posted in News

A Local Radio Celebrity Passes On

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Another day. Another death to report. Except this one hits closer to home.

Longtime Shittsburgh RIGHT-WING-HATE-RADIO guy Fred Honsberger, aka the Honzman, passed away. He was 58.

The death of veteran KDKA Radio host Fred Honsberger shocked and saddened KDKA listeners, colleagues as well as local leaders.

Reaction to his passing has been pouring in from all around the Pittsburgh area today, with City Councilman Bill Peduto lamenting that “Pittsburgh lost its voice.”

Honsberger was a longtime personality on KDKA radio, and I will miss him.

I started my RIGHT-WING-HATE-RADIO listening back in 1994, so I have listened to my fair share of hosts — both on a local and national scale. Honsberger was one of my favorites. In fact, when I was living outside of Shittsburgh, the ONLY thing I missed back home was hearing Honsberger’s show. I’m not kidding.

Sure he was conservative, but he was also entertaining as hell. And he did go against the Republican line on a number of issues. What I liked about his show was that his arguments with callers were some of the funniest exchanges I ever heard over the public airwaves. And then a frequent “guest” — some local union boss named Jack Shea — would usually call-in whenever Honsberger would good on unions and they would go at it for a good segment or two. But what made Honsberger unique was that he could also do hard news — that’s what we did early on in his career. He often covered elections and other local topics and, in my opinion, didn’t reflect his opinions on the matter. A rarity in these days, even with so-called “objective” reporters.

I haven’t listened to his show lately, which was more of a “news” format to coincide with KDKA’s more “local news” over “talk” format, so I didn’t know of any health problems he may have had in recent months. However, upon hearing of his sudden passing earlier today, I did take a few moments to reflect on the thirty-plus years of his radio career on various stations throughout Pennsylvania.

Peace out, Honzman. You were one of the best.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 16, 2009 at 9:57 pm

Posted in News

Telling Oral’s Story Via The Written Word

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Guess God finally called Oral home for missing a fundraising goal.

Oral Roberts, who helped pioneer TV evangelism in the 1950s and used the power of the new medium—and his message of God’s healing power—to build a multimillion-dollar ministry and a university that bears his name, died Tuesday. He was 91.

Meh. These preacher-types get mocked enough by other media. I’ll just limit myself to the one joke and say “peace out.”

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 15, 2009 at 10:28 pm

Posted in News

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Punishments

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So a kid in a government school draws this and starts up a shit storm?

A Taunton father is outraged after his 8-year-old son was sent home from school and required to undergo a psychological evaluation after drawing a stick-figure picture of Jesus on the cross.

The father said he got a call earlier this month from Maxham Elementary School informing him that his son, a second-grade student, had created a violent drawing. The image in question depicted a crucified Jesus with Xs covering his eyes to signify that he had died on the cross. The boy wrote his name above the cross.

If only the kid would have drawn a happy face on Jesus, all this trouble would have been averted. This brings me back to my one rule of life that anything in this world can be related to a South Park episode.

Here’s some more.

The student drew the picture shortly after taking a family trip to see the Christmas display at the National Shrine of Our Lady of La Salette, a Christian retreat site. He made the drawing in class after his teacher asked the children to sketch something that reminded them of Christmas, the father said.

“I think what happened is that because he put Xs in the eyes of Jesus, the teacher was alarmed and they told the parents they thought it was violent,” said Toni Saunders, an educational consultant with the Associated Advocacy Center.

Saunders is working with the boy’s parents after a mutual acquaintance referred them to her.

“When I got that call, I was so appalled that I had to do something,” Saunders said.

“They weren’t looking at the fact that this is an 8-year-old child with special needs,” she added. “They made him leave school, and they recommended that a psychiatrist do an evaluation.”

The school, in fact, required the evaluation before the boy could return, the father said.

And the big bad school, which has no trouble laying the smackdown on an eight-year-old, in typical pencil-pushing fashion, does the following:

Maxham School principal Rebecca Couet referred all questions on the matter to the superintendent’s office.

Superintendent Julie Hackett said district policy prevents her from discussing a “confidential matter regarding a student.”

“Generally speaking, we have safety protocols in place,” Hackett said. “If a situation warrants it, we ask for outside safety evaluations if we have particular concerns about a child’s safety. We followed all the protocols in our system.”

Hackett refused to specifically discuss the student’s drawing or the school’s reaction to it.

The boy made the drawing and was sent home from school on Dec. 2. He went for the psychological evaluation — at his parents’ expense — the next day and was cleared to return to school the following Monday after the psychological evaluation found nothing to indicate that he posed a threat to himself or others.

The boy, however, was traumatized by the incident, which made going back to school very difficult, the father said. School administrators have approved the father’s request to have the boy transferred to another elementary school in the district.

Any wonder I call these places “government schools”? (A term used by talk-show host Neal Boortz which is VERY fitting.) Here’s the offensive picture, btw:

And for the record, I drew MUCH worse stuff than this in school. When I was in 3rd or 4th grade (can’t remember) I exchanged a series of notes with my best friend at the time. I can’t recall most of the material, but I do remember pictures dealing with female genatalia and a male classmate who we thought was, well, the body part we drew. We may have exchanged these notes for a few weeks or a month, but one thing’s for certain: I remember when the note-passing stopped. For some reason my friend was reading the latest hilarity I drew up in the middle of class and our teacher came over and snatched the paper from him. The End.

As punishment my friend and I had to write the following 50 times: “Passing notes is against classroom rules. Passing dirty notes is strictly forbidden. I will not do this again or else my parents will come to see Mrs. Schaubs for a conference.” I can’t remember how long it took us to complete this task, but let’s just say we missed quite a few recesses. Then again, we spent most of the time goofing around rather than writing this out.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 15, 2009 at 10:09 pm

Posted in News

Oh KKKhristmas Tree

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So the Christmas tree was erected yesterday. Normally we put up the tree the weekend after Thanksgiving. For whatever reason Mrs. kkk didn’t want to get the tree out, which was fine by me. I kept my mouth shut on this matter hoping that maybe we would go through this year without lugging this thing up the basement steps. Well on Saturday we had the following exchange:

“We’re putting up the tree tomorrow.”

“If we are, we’re keeping the NFL Red Zone on and not playing Christmas music.”

Hell, I’m surprised she bent that far back.

Now the typical tree set-up is as follows: I get out the ornaments and put them on the coffee table. Mrs. kkk then takes the ornaments and hangs them on the tree. Then after this process (and oftentimes during the process) the cats start swatting the ornaments and performing other destructive measures. This year is Bella’s first Christmas with us and she didn’t disappoint. Within minutes of setting up the manger scene under the tree, Bella started gnawing on Joseph’s porcelain head. After she was shooed away from that figurine, she proceeded to eat the actual manger and then eat the artificial tree needles. Like any of this was a surprise.

Ever since we have been putting up a tree, the manager scene has always resembled a war zone. Each year a figure or three gets knocked over and loses a limb. We have armless wise men, staff-less shepherds and ear-less livestock all huddled around baby Jesus. Well, either huddled around or scattered across the floor.

With all this being said, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t expecting anything less than a slaughterhouse of ornaments all about the house upon getting home from work. Oddly enough, only two ornaments were knocked off the tree — Darth Maul and Kurt Warner. And to my amazement, Darth Maul’s dual lightsaber is still intact. I thought for sure that would have broken in two upon contact with the floor. Then again, we have carpeting, which makes for a much softer landing than hardwood, which is what we had at our Sappy Valley apartment back in 2000. That was a fun year. Dessa was a kitten and the only feline in the apartment. The better half brought her little tree from her parent’s house up to the apartment — a three-footer, give or take six inches. Well, Dessa would either topple it over or just run at full speed and leap into the tree. No matter what she did there was always at least one or two ornaments that shattered each time. One night I left for work and when I came back from work the next morning the tree was gone. Packed away. I can only imagine what happened.

Well, I talked about this topic long enough. Might as well show some pics.

Here’s the tree from a distance.

Here’s why we have deformed manger figures.

Now for some close-ups.

Quai-Gon, the space where Darth Maul used to be and a Jawa molesting R2D2.

A relocated Darth Maul fighting tinsel.

Darth Vader with Yoda in the background, who, thanks to the angle, looks like he’s about to cut in half a feline from some series of “mischievous kitten” ornaments that the better half collects.

C3PO, R2 (again) and the First Lady steal this scene.

A relocated Kurt Warner, the Grinch and some bear from that Golden Compass movie. You know, now that I think about it, why did that anti-religious Compass movie come out with Christmas ornaments? Meh. It was 80 percent off at the time.

Indiana Jones. This isn’t from the fourth movie, so there’s no walker accessory.

And finally, Emperor Palpatine getting a lap dance. What the hell goes on in this tree when I’m away?

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 14, 2009 at 11:25 pm

Posted in Life

Letters From The White House

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So one of my Facebook friends said he got a Christmas card from President Hussein and Chewbacca’s Sister. My response of course was to use it as toilet paper in case he ever runs out of the two-ply. But the reason I’m typing something up here is because this episode sparked a memory from five years ago.

Back in 2004 the better half signed up to be a volunteer to W’s re-election campaign. Why? I have no clue. Anyway, after the election she got a letter from W and the following conversation took place.

“Bush thanked me for getting people to vote for him.”

“But you didn’t.”

“I told my parents to vote.”

“But they didn’t. They don’t vote. You did NOTHING in terms of working for Bush’s re-election efforts.”

“I tried.”

“No. You didn’t even try. You just said something to your mother after she was going off about what a bitch Teresa Kerry was after some story on the news came on.”

With grassroots action like this, no wonder Pennsylvania is a blue state.

And this stupid letter hung on our one wall for FIVE YEARS. But to be fair, I think for four-and-a-half of those years Mrs. kkk forgot it was even there.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 14, 2009 at 10:18 pm

Posted in Life

Ring Around The Jonas Brothers

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So sometimes the better half asks me stuff in subject areas in which I have more expertise than her:

“Why can’t the kicking team touch the ball first and run with it into the end zone on a punt?”

“Who’s that rapper that is on that new NCIS show?”

“What’s the name of that song from that movie?”

You know, stuff like that.

Anyway, today she was on the phone with her mother and then she asked me the following: “What’s the name of those rings that the Jonas Brothers wear promoting abstinence?”

Bitch, you serious?

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 14, 2009 at 10:05 pm

Posted in Entertainment

Snow Days Above Freezing Temps

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So the Shittsburgh region has been paralyzed by … rain.

Yes, rain.

To be fair, it is cold and the rain is turning to ice on the roads, but the whole region is at a standstill. The better half had the local news on and the anchor-chick was telling us all to STAY IN OUR HOMES~!!! I then got to hear phone calls from residents telling us how long they have been in traffic and what kind of vehicles skidded onto their property.

The anchor-chick did have a point, however. Mrs. kkk went out early this morning to go to church and skidded out on the state highway. She turned around and went back home. But in what is probably the biggest developing story out of the day is that…

…she didn’t feel guilty over missing a day of church. I’m sure Jesus will forgive her.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 13, 2009 at 7:19 pm

Posted in Life

Hoping This Cardinal Would Get The Prize

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Cardinal/Tree Mascot. “Would/Wood.” Get it? OMGROTFLMAO~!!!

Yeah, this one was a bit of a stretch, even for me.

Anyway, I carefully reviewed all the Heisman candidates and their achievements. I’m going with Toby from Stanford. What do I base my selection on? I dunno. He got a bunch of yards, scored a bunch of touchdowns and was a vital part of the team’s success. At least from the games I saw on TV. I actually think Colt McCoy’s a bad-ass name, but he didn’t seem as good this year. Anyway, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. However, I’m guessing that Ingram running back from Alabama will probably win it all.

Boy I sure come with the content on this sort of stuff.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 12, 2009 at 6:42 pm

Posted in Sports

Top 10 Annoyances — Yes, Only 10

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So Consumer Reports did a survey of Top 10 Annoyances. Here’s how they ranked:

1] Hidden fees
2] Not getting a human on the phone
3] Tailgating
4] Cell-phone use by drivers
5] Incomprehensible bills
6] Dog poop
7] Unreliable internet service
8] Discourteous cell-phone use
9] Waiting for repair people
10] Spam.

Now while ranking a list of things I hate may seem like a walk in the park to me, I have to admit most of the annoyances listed above really don’t bother me. I’ve NEVER been “annoyed” with waiting for repair people. And dog poop? Hey, when you gotta go you gotta go. This got me the thinking: what would be MY Top 10 annoyances? Well, let’s see. In no particular order, here they are:

1] The Jews.
2] The Bla…

Errr, wrong list. Sorry. Here we go.

1] Hidden fees. Might as well start with something already on the list. I hate the nickel-and-dime shit. Now if there’s a early contract termination fee or something like that, I understand. But it’s those little fees/charges that really piss me off.

2] Not being told the truth by a customer service rep. I can sometimes understand why these people have to keep me in the dark, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. I get that some people will react all pissy to the REAL reason why the Internet service is down, but I’m not one of those people. Just keepit real with me and I’ll keep it real with you, yo.

3] Drivers who ride the shoulder. Tailgaters? Pft. I laugh at those numbskulls (in addition to putting on the breaks). The people I can’t stand are the ones who treat the shoulder of a road as the third lane. Now if they are trying to get off an exit which is several car lengths away, that’s fine. Hell, I did that once myself. But to treat the shoulder as your own personal avenue? Well, I mark out whenever a big rig blocks your path. Asshole.

4] Do-gooder motorists that do more harm than good. I appreciate the fact you want to let me turn, but because you are stopped in the middle of the road when you shouldn’t be, you are blocking my line of sight. I can’t see the traffic in the other lane next to you. I STILL CAN’T TURN! And to make matters worse, the people in your lane behind you are now swerving into the other lane, thus delaying my eventual turn. Let Highway Darwinism run its course. Nature will find a way.

5] White trash at an amusement park that don’t see the big picture. We’ve all seen it one time or another. A white trash family at the local amusement park fighting amongst themselves. Why? Usually over something stupid like a kid wanting a hot dog when the family packed a cooler full of bologna sandwiches and warm bottled water. Look, you people paid for the admission/parking, you are already spending a shitload of money for this day of family fun. Bite the financial bullet and spend some money on CONCESSION ITEMS. I know they’re a rip-off, but YOU’RE AT AN AMUSEMENT PARK. That’s part of the experience. Can’t afford a corn dog and Pepsi? THEN DON’T GO IN THE FIRST PLACE. I’m as cheap as they come, but whenever I go to one of these places I understand that I’m going to get ass-raped with over-priced greasy shit. You know what? I’m OK with that. That’s why you go to theme parks.

6] Old people complaining about how expensive everything is today. Oh Jesus Christ this one ought to be ranked #1. “In my day you could ride the trolly downtown, go see a movie and have a malt afterward. All for a nickel.” Yeah, and in your day you earned $1 per week. Now SHUT UP! You want to bitch about how much money you are getting out of Social Security? You realize you are most likely taking out waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more than you put into to this trust fund Ponzi scheme. I have to move on to the next one because I could go on for another 1,000+ words on this subjectalone.

7] People that violate the rules of the express lane. While you may be thinking about the person with 30 items in the “10 items or less” lane, I’m also including in here the people who WRITE OUT CHECKS. Die die die.

8] People who are waaaaay too picky at casual restaurants. You’re out at the local chain restaurant when suddenly the white trash seated at the table next to you starts treating this dime-a-dozen eatery like it’s a five-star gourmet palace. “This is cooked too rare.” “This is burnt.” “This is too salty.” You are the same people that cook hot dogs until they explode in the microwave. I have heard people say that their evenings were RUINED because of the way something was cooked. There was another time when an OLIVE GARDEN waitress who couldn’t reach the end of a table asked someone to pass a plate down to someone else. That lady’s response? “I don’t do plates.” Good God I hate you people.

9] Miserable cashiers. Hey, I’ve been ragging on customers for a while. It’s time to give the other side of the register it’s due. Now I wasn’t exactly a ray of sunshine when working in the customer service field, but if all you’re going to do is talk to your co-workers about when you get off work you need to be pummeled. And here’s another common trait: The people who just give you your receipt/food without saying ONE WORD to you. Reality check: You know it’s bad whenever I’M POINTING OUT BAD CUSTOMER SERVICE. At least I would always say “hi” and “have a nice day/take it easy.” That is when I wasn’t getting into shouting matches with the underclass…

10] People complaining about how much money they earn. I have a simple philosophy. If you think you’re being underpaid, then GO SOMEWHERE ELSE! As far as I can remember, I have NEVER complained about how much money I made. There are two instances where I had issues with work and money, but it wasn’t due to how much I took home every two weeks. One was due to the fact I receive the same token pittance raise as co-workers who did jack shit. The other was my previous job where my office duties drastically changed from the moment I began working there. Neither case had anything to do with my actual paycheck. I have the belief that in most instances it’s not how much you make but rather what you do with the money you earn. People who gripe about this could get a $10,000 raise and still bitch about their take-home pay.

Well there you have it. I could definitely go on with this list, but I just went with the first 10 things that came to my head. Wow, and I didn’t even mention the Post Office or DMV.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 12, 2009 at 5:06 am

Posted in Life

Food For Thought (Or Lack Thereof)

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So this evening Mrs. kkk went out with “the girls.” Where did they go? Fridays. The following was a conversation between the two of us when she got back. You can figure out who’s who.

“So what did you get to eat?”

“That appetizer/entree/dessert special.”

“What did you order?”

“Cheesesticks and a burger.”

“But you said you weren’t getting a burger tonight.”

“I know. I just took a bite and brought it home.”

“Then why did you order it?”

“Because that was the only thing I could order that didn’t have chicken.”

*Looks at burger.* “You didn’t even take one bite out of this thing.”

“I had the fries.”

“When are you going to eat this?”

“I don’t know. Maybe Sunday.”

“And what happens if you don’t decide to eat it Sunday?”

“I guess I’ll throw it away.”

“So you spent $12 on cheesesticks and a crappy dessert…”

“I said I had fries, too.”

It was at this point I started putting Miracle Whip and mustard on this “entree” because I knew where this would be ending up otherwise come Monday.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 12, 2009 at 3:47 am

Posted in Life

Parading Days At Macy’s

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So I posted the following update on my Facebook page: Rich Frenchies slummed for fun back in the day. I flip the script by going into Macy’s just to see who would buy this overpriced crap.

And I’m dead-ass serious.I don’t get Macy’s. I don’t want to get Macy’s.

Years ago in the Shittsburgh region there was this store which sold expensive garbage. I can’t remember the name. Horne’s, perhaps? No matter. They were bought by Lazarus, which were more expensive and more crappy. (Actually, I don’t think I ever went into a Horne’s store as a kid. Whatever. That’s a side issue, right President Hussein?)

I was so disgusted with Lazarus that when I was in college my wallet was stolen at a local mall and my account was depleted via debit card. Was I upset at having my wallet stolen and my checking account reduced? Sure. But do you know what pissed me off most? The fact these hoodlums used several hundred dollars of MY MONEY to shop at LAZARUS. I’m serious. I was MORE pissed at that than the actual theft itself. I sure have my priorities in order. And Maury, if my baby daddy knocked up another bitch, I’d be mad at her rather than the sperm donor.

What the hell is the point of this entry? Oh, yeah. Macy’s. Here’s another Macy’s tale. Several years ago when the better half and I were about to get married, my idiot mother purchased Mrs. kkk $200 worth of lingerie. Guess where she bought this from? Figure it out.

After we spent about 20 minutes of choking on our own vomit at the thought of mom thinking of Mrs. kkk and I doing the horizontal mombo, we then started laughing at the fact that mom spent $200 she did have on THIS. What happened to the naughty bits? We went back to Macy’s and returned the unused merchandise. We then spent several years redeeming this store credit on household/kitchen stuff whenever it went on sale and was a reasonable price. Keep in mind this took SEVERAL YEARS. I can’t even remember what we wound up getting. One trip was a quesadilla maker. Another trip was a smoothie recipe book. I can’t remember what else we got over the years, but I can tell you this — what I just mentioned has been used more than that lingerie. Oh, here’s the best purchase of the lot: a refrigerator magnet that shows various conversions (1 tbsp = 3 tsp, etc). I use this thing all the time, and it was only several dollars (on sale, of course).

Welcome to married life, although the better half and I lived like this years before we got God’s approval.

I was going to end this entry here, but here’s another Macy’s story. Last holiday season Mrs. kkk was interviewing for a new job and we decided to go work clothes shopping. There were some great deals at various department stores for work suits at 60-70 percent off. Even with these discounts, Mrs. kkk thought these suits were still too expensive. What did I do? I took her to Macy’s and showed her how much their products were listed for.

A short time later, we walked out of the first store with several outfits in hand. Thank you Macy’s.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 11, 2009 at 9:48 pm

Posted in Life

Jacked Off Over Choice Of Dinner TV Viewing

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So I was making dinner for myself and the better half was watching TV. What was she watching? Some stupid countdown show that was supposed to contain the SICKEST/DISGUSTING jobs EVER~!!! And she wondered why I was eating in the dining room and not the living room, which is where the TV is located. While I was making dinner I heard about these people collecting bat poop or something. But the creme de la creme came as I sat down to eat.

The top spot on this list was some guy who jacks off elephants. Oh, yeah. I want to see this while I’m eating.

And ever-understanding as always, Mrs. kkk replied, “You baby, they’re not even showing anything.”

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 10, 2009 at 9:20 pm

Posted in Entertainment

Raping The Legal System

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Here’s what I want to know. What’s going to happen to the bitch who lied?

A construction worker behind bars for nearly four years for a gang rape that never happened was cleared Thursday after his accuser admitted she lied to make her friends feel sorry for her.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 10, 2009 at 9:09 pm

Posted in News

The Final Edit

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So now the newspaper of newspapers is shutting down. Boy I sure picked a great field to get my degree in back in the day.

The Nielsen Co. is selling some of its most prominent trade journals – including The Hollywood Reporter and Billboard – and shutting down Editor&Publisher;, which has chronicled the newspaper business for more than 100 years.

Then again, I don’t actually do anything with my piece-of-shit degree anyway, so no big whoop — especially since my degree was paid off a while back.

Actually, the reason I got into the English/Communications field is because I hate Math and I’d kill myself if I delved into the Science field. It was more of a process of elimination than anything else. I shouldn’t be so down on myself. I’m still putting my degree to good use with … KK’s Korner.

Sorry, Picard, but this one calls for my boy Bud.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 10, 2009 at 9:00 pm

Posted in News

T-Mac Attack

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Is it any surprise I don’t give a crap about “all-star” games? I like T-Mac and all that, but him STARTING without playing a minute in the NBA this year?

Kobe Bryant is the leading vote-getter for the NBA All-Star game and Tracy McGrady is on track to join him in the Western Conference backcourt despite not playing yet this season.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 10, 2009 at 8:51 pm

Posted in Sports

Don’t Take Me To The Funeral Home

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So today I was told that cousin of one of my co-worker’s died and the office was going to go to the funeral home and stuff. Now I would have NEVER done this at my last job, but seeing how I don’t work for a bunch of assholes I went. Kinda wish I hadn’t.

There are two places I do my best to keep my mouth shut. One is weddings. The other is funerals/body viewings. Why? When you attend either function, you are not there for yourself. You are there for someone else. Just sit there and STFU. And that’s what I did here. There weren’t many people there. In fact, outside of my boss and several co-workers there were four other relatives present. So I just kept my mouth shut and stood/sat away. Look, I don’t know these people and chances are if I actually said anything I’d be better off putting my foot in my mouth. I thought I was doing OK, but then it happened.

There was one guy there I have never seen before. He looks at me and says in a snide manner, “Are we having fun yet?” The fuck? What do you want me to do, bust out a monologue? Anyway, I tried to play if off, but after a while I knew I need to respond, so I did.

“Am I supposed to?”

He then says something about me not saying anything. The hell … I DON’T KNOW ANY OF YOU PEOPLE~!!! I didn’t realize body viewings were supposed to be networking sessions. Well my response was, “What do you want me to say?” That shut him up. Good God, I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 10, 2009 at 8:46 pm

Posted in Life

Squash The Taunting

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Wow, this squash thing is some serious business.

The president of Dartmouth College has apologized to his counterpart at Harvard University over profanity-laden taunts made by Big Green athletes to Harvard players during a squash match.

President Jim Yong Kim spoke to Harvard President Drew Gilpin Faust on Tuesday when the two attended an Ivy League presidents’ meeting in New York, a Dartmouth spokesman said Wednesday. Kim also has been trying to reach Harvard player Franklin Cohen and his parents, who complained that an insult directed at their son sounded like an anti-Semitic slur.

A group of about 10 Dartmouth students, including members of the school’s soccer team, heckled Crimson players during the Dec. 2 match. Cohen’s mother said her son was asked if he liked bagels, which she viewed as a reference to their Jewish surname. But the Dartmouth fans said the comment referred to the zero, or “bagel” on the scoreboard.

I didn’t know the Dartmouth soccer team deserved to be singled out among the group of 10. “Do you like bagels?” Good God. That’s just stupid. Then again, if the heckled player was black/Hispanic and the question of “Do you like watermelon/tacos?” was brought up, Jesse Jackson and whoever Mexicans have as their race pimp would already be at this Ivy League campus.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 9, 2009 at 9:18 pm

Posted in Sports

Does This Meat My Standards For A Post?

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Well that’s one way to beat your meat.

A 53-year-old was arrested after alledgedly hitting a man in the head with a raw steak. According to a Marion County Sheriff’s Office report, the man told deputies Elsie Egan repeatedly hit him with the uncooked meat and slapped his face after he refused a piece of sliced bread. The man said he wanted a bread roll.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 9, 2009 at 9:14 pm

Posted in News

Sick Day Fun

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So when I woke up at 5 am this morning I had an uber-throbbing headache. Sometimes I wake up with a nagging headache, but I chalk it up to sleeping in an odd position. However, this wasn’t one of those times. It was a I-have-three-days-off-left-and-it’s-time-to-use-one instance. I called off work, woked up the better half, told her she’s on her own today and went back to bed. I woke up at 10 am with a fever. Great, now who gave me this shit? After OD’ing on NyQuil, elixir of the gods, I went back to bed. I then woke up at around 2 pm, took more NyQuil, and went back to bed. I then woke up at 5 pm, took another dosage of NyQuil and noted that I was sore as hell all over my body.

Always fun to be full of aches after such a busy day.

Final NyQuil dosage coming up before bedtime.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 9, 2009 at 9:09 pm

Posted in Life

Bonnie’s Show Gets Poached

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That’s a shame. I didn’t know it was on the air.

Struggling sophomore talker “The Bonnie Hunt Show” will stop production at the end of this season.

Season to date (through November 22), the Warner Bros.-produced talk show ranks 12th out of 13 syndicated talk shows in households, with a 0.8 rating (and no change from the comparable year-ago period), according to Nielsen Media Research data.

Makes me wonder what show is 13th out of 13.

Oh good God. People watch this shit?

A potential replacement is “MomLogic,” also from Warner Bros., which is a “View”-like hour of talk based on the website of that name and co-hosted by the Food Network’s Paula Deen, Rene Syler of CBS’ “The Early Show,” author Lee Woodruff, comedian Judy Gold, and reality star and mother of eight Kate Gosselin.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 8, 2009 at 10:00 pm

Posted in Entertainment

Distrust Fund

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So Neal Boortz was going off on one of his “people actually believe this shit?” rants today on the radio. What was the first thing he listed?

It is beyond my imagination that people actually believe ……..

* That the Social Security taxes they pay are actually put into a trust fund … an account with their name on it from which they will later draw their retirement benefits.

The sad thing is I had a professor in college that ACTUALLY BELIEVED THIS~!!!

Whenever I get my regular Social inSecurity statement letting me how much cash I’ll be getting once I retire, I always laugh at the statement that says this Ponzi scheme is running out of money and I might not get jack shit. It’s not worded like this, of course, but that’s what it means.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 8, 2009 at 9:54 pm

Posted in News

This Capital Offense Is Gay

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So let I get this straight. Here’s the headline:

Death penalty for gays? Uganda debates proposal

Hey, at least now they’re DEBATING the issue. That’s progress … I guess.

Proposed legislation would impose the death penalty for some gay Ugandans, and their family and friends could face up to seven years in jail if they fail to report them to authorities. Even landlords could be imprisoned for renting to homosexuals.

Zoinks, yo. But here’s what got my attention…

Gay rights activists say the bill, which has prompted growing international opposition, promotes hatred and could set back efforts to combat HIV/AIDS.

GROWING international opposition?! What countries are holding out? Nevermind. I already have an idea.

What’s this?

The legislation has drawn global attention from activists across the spectrum of views on gay issues. The measure was proposed in Uganda following a visit by leaders of U.S. conservative Christian ministries that promote therapy for gays to become heterosexual.

To be fair, here’s the rest of that paragraph.

However, at least one of those leaders has denounced the bill, as have some other conservative and liberal Christians in the United States.

Hey, at least one of those “turn queers str8” people isn’t totally batshit insane. That’s progress, too … I guess.

And what do we have here? The actual rule that’s being discussed. And it’s FIVE PARAGRAPHS into the story. Damn you liberal media!

The Ugandan legislation in its current form would mandate a death sentence for active homosexuals living with HIV or in cases of same-sex rape. “Serial offenders” also could face capital punishment, but the legislation does not define the term. Anyone convicted of a homosexual act faces life imprisonment.

See, you only get killed if you have the AIDS. If you’re caught having sex with someone of your gender you only go to jail for the rest of your life … where you will be surrounded by men … possibly also convicted of same-sex relations as well.

I’m done with this story. I can’t go on any further. I’m not even going to go into more detail about the “Uganda is just trying to ration health care resources” thought that just popped into my head.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 8, 2009 at 9:48 pm

Posted in News

KKK’s Christmas KKKlassics

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So yesterday on the drive home from work the better half asked me what my favorite Christmas song.

Yeah, this isn’t going to end well.

So my first question to her was: “Jesus or non-Jesus song?” The response: “Either.”

Hmm, you know this is actually a damn good question. I’m not a fan of Christmas songs. I actually had to think about this for a while. Now normally I go with my first thought that pops into my mind, and I did tell Mrs. kkk what that thought was:

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!!!!!

Some hippie song from the ’80s is NOT going to be my favorite Christmas tune.

Now the pressure was on. I had to think of a song, but I was drawing blanks. Suddenly it dawned on me. What was I thinking not recalling this masterpiece!?

And yes I’m being serious.

I spent about 5-10 minutes trying to explain to Mrs. kkk why this was my selection. She thought I was just being an asshole. Well peep this:

1) It’s a comedy effort that’s based on a Jesus song but it isn’t sacrilegious. Hell, there even aren’t any swear words involved.

2) It perfectly tells the story of an eight-year-old trying to sing a song like this. Kids don’t actually know the words to these songs. Kids don’t even know the whole “Jesus” concept is at that age. Yeah, there’s the manger, the shepherds and the wise men, but no kid actually gets the whole “Savior” thing. They’re not supposed to — they’re kids.

“Jesus was born and so I get presents. Thank you Jesus for being born.” Truly wonderful the mind of a child is. And bonus points for the awkward stuttering and not remembering all of the words.

With that being said, I actually did have another song selected before the one listed above. However, the better half did not accept the entry. She didn’t even believe it was a song.

Even when I had this on screen, she refused to hear this feel-good song of the season.

How did I hear of this? I can’t remember how old I was; my guess is between six and eight years. My parents were still married, so I was no older than eight. Someone my dad knew gave him this record and he played it for me. At a holiday family get-together we played it for my one uncle, and my mom must have heard the tune. From what I remember, she didn’t think too highly of this Christmas classic. I think she may have thrown it out, but I can’t remember for sure; don’t think that went over too well with the old man. C’est la vie.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

December 8, 2009 at 9:19 pm

Posted in Entertainment