KK's Korner

No telling what’s being thought of in the mind of a lunatic

Archive for January 2011

kkk’s Rule Of Life #54

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Why do they call it “road rage”? You’re not angry at the street.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

January 31, 2011 at 10:52 pm

kkk Rule Of Life #53

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The best kind of zombie is a slow-moving zombie.

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January 30, 2011 at 8:11 pm

Rally For School-Skipping

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So yesterday there was a group conversation about the following subject. There’s a Steeler pep really that went on Friday in Pittsburgh, and the workplace discussion revolved around should parents take their kids out of school to attend?

This was my response: If kkk Jr. was a good student then taking an afternoon off from school (provided there wasn’t a test or anything major that day) to go to something like this would be one of the “rewards” for him being a good student.

But because kkk Jr. would have my genes, there would be no way in hell he’d be a good student, so all this is moot.

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January 29, 2011 at 8:07 pm

Posted in Life

A Twit For Deleting This Comment

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Wow, Matt. Your “CBA” line was funny. No way you should have taken that down. The cover-up is always worse than the crime. What — You think nobody’s going to find out?

Believe me, when you post something online, it’s there for life. And yes, that means I’m in a world of shit myself.

Matt Hasselbeck’s question about Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie was pointed.

“Somebody ask Cromartie if he knows what CBA stands for,” Hasselbeck posted via his Twitter account, a remark he later deleted.

Cromartie’s response got personal: “I will smash ur face in.”

That not-so-social media exchange via Twitter on Thursday stemmed from Cromartie’s repeated public questioning of the leadership of the NFL Players Association this week.

Cromartie, who is scheduled to be a free agent, called union leader DeMaurice Smith a crass name. He used the same term to talk about the owners’ negotiators. He criticized their inability to reach an agreement on a new labor deal and dismissed statements from Baltimore’s Ray Lewis and Arizona’s Darnell Dockett about player solidarity.

On Thursday, Hasselbeck posted on his Twitter account: “Somebody ask Cromartie if he knows what CBA stands for,” referring to the collective bargaining agreement. The agreement that governs the working arrangement in the league will expire March 4. If the union and ownership don’t negotiate a new agreement, the NFL could begin its first work stoppage since 1987.

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January 28, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Posted in Sports

Super Bowl Songs

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Back in 1985 there was the Bears’ “Superbowl Shuffle.”

Can’t hate on this.

Then there was even the Patriots attempt at a rebuttal.

It’s lame, but I have a soft spot for this one.

But then there was this.

I don’t think I have ever appreciated the Pittsburgh Polka more than I do now.

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January 27, 2011 at 11:24 pm

Posted in Sports

Depressing List

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Yeah, because things like a region’s economic condition and infrastructure should have equal weight as the number of psychiatrists and how good the local football team performs.

After a more-than-disappointing year and the realization that Cincinnati has only had two winning seasons in the past two decades, Bengals fans feel pretty down in the dumps about the quality of the pro football in the Queen City.

Just how depressed is the city of Cincinnati compared to the rest of the cities in the U.S. with an NFL team? One website compiled a list of the most depressed pro football cities to find out.

Avvo.com compiled the list made up of the 14 NFL cities that have never won a Super Bowl, basing their rankings on factors including overall team performance, psychiatrists per capita, unemployment, heavy drinking, adults with hypertension, average yearly sunshine and average commute time to and from work.

Here is the complete list.

1. Philadelphia
2. Atlanta
3. Cincinnati
4. Houston
5. San Diego
6. Detroit
7. Jacksonville
8. Cleveland
9. Charlotte
10. Seattle
11. Phoenix
12. Buffalo
13. Nashville
14. Minneapolis

I can see Minneapolis being the least-depressed. Buffalo being ranked 12th surprises me. I’ve been there. They ought to be in the Top 5.

And the fact that Detroit is not ranked in the top spot immediately makes this list invalid.

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January 27, 2011 at 11:15 pm

Posted in Sports

The Keynesian Koffee Fetcher

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Wow. Something related to the Daily Schmoe that actually made me laugh. This was taken at that Rally for Commies event.

Quite a bit of white faces in that crowd. I counted six persons of color.

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January 27, 2011 at 7:34 pm

Posted in Entertainment

State Of My Sanity

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So the Muslim Wookie Fucker made some speech last night…

I don’t care. I’ve never cared about the State of the Union speech. Never watched on. Never watched the rebuttal that took place afterward. I don’t want to know what they have in store for me in the year ahead.

Hell, I was putting away the groceries and wanted the Vs. hockey game on. I turned on the TV, which was on a news channel, and saw him. My blood pressure spiked about 30 points as I desperately scanned for a channel that wasn’t carrying this crap. And To make matters worse, the Flyers were handing it to Les Canadians 4-1.

And they actually went with that “bipartisan seating” nonsense. Good gravy.

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January 26, 2011 at 10:31 pm

Posted in News

This Shovel Is Ready

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At the risk of sounding like one of those, “They don’t make ’em like they used to” types, you can have my old-school metal snow shovel once you pry it from my cold, dead hands. These plastic shovels being sold nowadays are teh suq.

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January 26, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Posted in Life

Kinison Not Too Live But Still Funny

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The sad thing about this routine…

…is that “Get The Fuck Out Of My House” is probably my favorite song from 2 Live Crew.

Not a big fan of the Crew, but this track makes me laugh. Even moreso now that I’ve dedicated this song to Nancy Pelosi this past election.

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January 25, 2011 at 10:29 pm

Posted in Entertainment

CD Then And Now

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Not sure what’s worse.

1) Listening to CDs I’ve owned for 15+ years and going, “Why the hell did I ever get this?”


2) Listening to CDs I’ve owned for 15+ years and going, “Awwwwww yeah.”

or perhaps it’s

4) Listing to CDs I’ve owned for 15+ years and doing numbers 1 and 2 at the same time.

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January 25, 2011 at 10:07 pm

Posted in Life

Gas Problem

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So this past summer the gas people dug several holes in the ground on the street right outside my office. They dug several holes in the ground in the same spot.

Yeah, that’s a good sign.

Well today they started tearing up all up and down the street.

Yeah, that’s an even better sign.

Not only is the road to where I have to drive in to work closed off, but if there are any explosions I’ll be first in line to be obliterated.

Oh well, I’m worth way more dead than alive. Thanks life insurance.

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January 24, 2011 at 10:18 pm

Posted in Life

Rahm Residency Ravaged

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So NOW we care about residency requirements for those from Chicago running for office.

Chicago mayoral candidate Rahm Emanuel’s team filed papers Monday night with the Illinois Supreme court to request a stay to allow ballots to be printed with Emanuel’s name on them, according to the court…

…Emanuel was thrown off the ballot Monday by an Illinois appellate court panel, according to the Cook County Appellate Court’s office.

The panel ruled 2-1 that Emanuel did not meet the residency standard to run for the city’s top office.

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January 24, 2011 at 10:07 pm

Posted in News

Stairway To Seven

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And here comes the $2 fireworks show the neighbors put on after each Conference/Super Bowl win. Hopefully the cold weather will keep this a brief extravaganza.

What do I have to say about the Steelers win against the Jets?

1) I will never understand why teams play not to win once they get a double-digit lead. The Steelers were up 24-0 in the first half and allowed the Jets back in the game to the point where a touchdown would have won the game. The best call the Steelers had in the second half was to actually throw for a first down after the two-minute warning. Why bother running for a few yards, put the game in the hands of your defense and hope the other team doesn’t score when you can just get a first down and end it right then. That’s what I like about the Pats; they don’t mess around. You’re down by 20, they want you down by 30. It’s fourth-and-1; win the game on one play.

2) To the asshole in the stands that yelled, “Get him off the field” when the Jets center was down hurt on the field. You need an appointment with a speeding MACK truck on I-279.

3) Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

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January 23, 2011 at 10:03 pm

Posted in Sports

Go Shorty, It’s Your Birthday

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Example #687 that you’ve been with the same partner for a looooong time. From a conversation that took place last month.

Her: “Blue Collar Comedy tickets go on sale this week. I want that for my birthday present.”

Me: “Then get them.”

And she does. Then again, I wouldn’t rely on me, either.

Why do I do what I do? Because we have a joint account and getting something as a gift with what is basically their own money is stupid. Additionally, with her getting the tickets she can’t bitch if she doesn’t like the seats.

What, you think I do all this without any rhyme or reason?

What was the end result? Getting seats two rows from the stage. She wasn’t kidding when saying she wanted tickets.

And the funny thing is that the ticket cost is the same whether you get seats in Row A or in Section Z. Oh there are going to be a lot of pissed-off procrastinators.

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January 22, 2011 at 9:53 pm

Posted in Life

Birth Of A Conspiracy

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Translation: The office intern is still waiting on the Photoshop software to download from Adobe.

Officials in Hawaii say they have located the Muslim Wookie Fucker’s birth certificate indicating that he was born in the state, but have yet to produce the document at the heart of a long-simmering conspiracy theory.

“Our investigation is showing, it actually exists in the archives written down,” Democratic Gov. Neil Abercrombie told Honolulu’s Star-Advertiser.

“What I can do, and all I have ever said, is that I am going to see to it as governor that I can verify to anyone who is honest about it that this is the case,” he told the paper.

Abercrombie said the controversy over publicly producing the document “has a political implication for 2012 that we simply cannot have.”

It remains unclear if the document found in the archives was the Kenyan Koffee Fetcher’s actual long-form birth certificate, which “birther” activists have clamored for, or if it was simply a record that such a document exists.

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January 21, 2011 at 8:53 pm

Posted in News

Need All The Wisdom I Can Get

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So earlier today I had my top two wisdom teeth removed at the dentist’s office.

You actually think I’m going to type any more? You’re out of your mind.

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January 20, 2011 at 8:57 pm

Posted in Life

Poll Vent

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Well, it looks like the professors are effectively doing their jobs at creating a new generation of Little Eichmanns.

Study: Many college students not learning to think critically

An unprecedented study that followed several thousand undergraduates through four years of college found that large numbers didn’t learn the critical thinking, complex reasoning and written communication skills that are widely assumed to be at the core of a college education.

Many of the students graduated without knowing how to sift fact from opinion, make a clear written argument or objectively review conflicting reports of a situation or event, according to New York University sociologist Richard Arum, lead author of the study. The students, for example, couldn’t determine the cause of an increase in neighborhood crime or how best to respond without being swayed by emotional testimony and political spin.

I really didn’t give a shit about debating my college professors … much. I learned to just sit there and write what they wanted to read. Seriously, what’s the point? The few times I did speak out came back to bite me in the ass. If someone wants to engage in critical thinking, that person doesn’t need to sit in a classroom and piss away thousands of dollars.

While I’m on the subject of studies, I noticed this gem a while back.

I stopped taking this “poll” seriously when I got to: “Of the 1,234 American adults polled, 89.7 percent said their diet was “somewhat” (52.6 percent)…”

Nine in 10 Americans say their diet is healthy but only a quarter limit the amount of fat or sugar they eat, and two-thirds don’t eat enough fruit and vegetables, a poll published Tuesday found.

“Americans tend to give themselves high marks for healthy eating, but when we asked how many sugary drinks, fatty foods, and fruits and veggies they consumed, we found that their definition of healthy eating was questionable,” said Nancy Metcalf of Consumer Reports Health, which conducted the poll.

Of the 1,234 American adults polled, 89.7 percent said their diet was “somewhat” (52.6 percent), “very” (31.5 percent), or “extremely” healthy (5.6 percent).

But 43 percent of the survey respondents said they drank at least one sugary soda or other sweetened drink every day, and just one in four said they limited sweets, sugars or fats in their diet, the poll conducted in early November found.

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January 19, 2011 at 8:39 pm

Posted in News

James Bond Will Return

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James Bond’s vacation is over.

After the financial wrangling over the fate of MGM led the family that produces the 007 films to halt development of their 23rd installment last year, the project is back on track with plans for a Nov. 9, 2012 release date, MGM confirms to EW. (Deadline first reported the story.)

Daniel Craig will return for his third run as the superspy. What was more in question was whether Oscar-winning director Sam Mendes, who had been attached to the movie before it was put on hiatus, would still be participating.

Still don’t have a final opinion on Daniel Craig as James Bond. I liked Casino Royale, though probably not as much as those who REALLY like the film. The one after that is OK; I’ll probably need to watch it another time or two before having a more fleshed-out opinion. One thing is for sure: I hated the song to the opening credits.

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January 18, 2011 at 8:27 pm

Posted in Entertainment

A Shovel-Ready Job

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So last week the boss learned that the crazy person she hired to do around-the-office chores quit. Over the past six months or so, my boss has tried hiring “handyman” types to take out the garbage and perform basic maintenance duties around the building. The first crazy person the boss hired went off his meds and that was that. The highlight of this hire was one day when I was walking down the steps and almost broke my neck. The crazy person was mopping the steps and didn’t put up a sign. Having almost slipped and fell, I taped up a hand-written sign. Later on that day I told the crazy person what I did, and his reply was, “The floors aren’t wet. I didn’t mop them; I disinfected them.”

I made it a point after that to stay in my office whenever possible and to always test the steps or tile floor for slippage before actual walking on these surfaces.

But as I said above, one day he stopped taking his meds and that was that. The next crazy person the boss hired wasn’t all that bad. I pretty much left him alone and versa vice. About a week or so ago he was given a job to repaint the first-floor bathrooms. Apparently, he did a terrible job and he quit. Of course, he quit the day before our region was to get its first sizable snowfall of the season. Guess who was out yesterday for 40 minutes shoveling/de-icing the sidewalks? Yep.

Funny thing is the boss told me the reason this crazy person quit was because he said this work was “beneath him.” Having seen this guy firsthand perform in the workplace, all I can say is good luck with your future endeavors with the free market. I never understood the whole, “this works is beneath me,” mindset. It’s work, and unless you can find something better, do it. Hell, at my last job I stuffed envelopes. Now granted I was annoyed at this because it took time away from what I was actually hired to do at my previous workplace, but never did I feel this was “beneath me.” Even now I don’t mind shoveling the snow. It does bother me that I am the person who works on my boss’s contract which generates more than half of her revenue, but if she wants to pay me for this task well then it’s her money.

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January 17, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Posted in Life

Dino-mite Thought

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Having recently re-watched the Jurassic Park movies, I can’t help but think they could have pulled off a successful dino-theme park.

Just don’t produce any reptiles that would eat you.

Seriously, you don’t think people will pay good money to see a Triceratops or a Brachiosaurus?

I really need to create a “movie review” section on this thing.

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January 16, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Posted in Entertainment

Hate The Messengers, Not The Message

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Here are reasons #456 and #457 why I hate the news.

#456: Last night a local broadcast news segment had on as an actual story the naming of two “villain” contestants for the next season of “Survivor.” I don’t care if the news station is a cBS affiliate or if one of these two named contestants is married to a local chick who also won a “Survivor” season.

‎#457: What passes for an actual bona fide story nowadays is reporting what somebody says on his Twitter account. This mostly falls under the sports/entertainment industry; today’s coverage dealt with what LeBron James said about his former team getting crushed the the Lakers and how karma is a bitch.

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January 15, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Posted in Life

I Shot The Sheriff’s Accusations Down

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I haven’t commented much on the whole Arizona shooting story. There’s not much worth to say.

— Crazy person shoots congressperson.

— Media goes on to blame HaTe RaDiO and the UnCiViL rHeTorIc going on in our political debate.

— Turns out none of what the media are speculating influenced the crazy person.

— Media still continue with original template.

Seriously, what’s the point?

I will comment on this, though. That dipshit Sheriff Dopenik is in so far over his head it’s hilarious. I haven’t listened to Rush’s show for a while, but once I heard the good sheriff’s comments I had to tune in so I could hear the flaying firsthand. I wasn’t disappointed.

This senile old fuck reminds me so much of my one ex-boss that it’s uncanny. Whenever my ex-boss would attempt to slam me with a bullshit charge, I would retort and tear his accusation down point-by-point. Once it got to where the ex-boss was cornered and had no recourse, he would simply say, “Let’s put this behind us,” or “Let’s move on.”

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January 15, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Posted in News

Sign, Sign Everywhere A Zodiac Sign

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So I’ve been hearing that the zodiac signs have changed or something, meaning your sign is probably incorrect.

Newspaper reports of an astronomer’s view that star signs cover the wrong dates have caused a hubbub. So are Pisceans really Aquarians?

Astronomy instructor Parke Kunkle has generated a wealth of online and watercooler discussion in the US and elsewhere.

He pointed out in a Minnesota newspaper that a wobble in the Earth’s rotation meant that the stars were in a different position – as viewed from Earth – than they were 2,000 years ago when the Zodiac was drawn up.

Since then the story has gone viral, with many – including those with star sign tattoos – expressing concern about the possibility that they might have spent years checking the wrong horoscope. But should they be looking at the predictions for a different sign?

So does this mean I’m now a Pisces?

Whatever. I don’t care.

Actually, I’ve had way too many people overs the years say I was Aries before they even knew when my birthday was. Maybe there is something to this zodiac stuff after all.

And of course in the article’s next paragraph…

Astrologers say this shift in where the stars appear to be has no bearing on the “tropical zodiac” system. This is what is typically used for horoscopes in the West, and is based on segments of the sky calculated using the equinoxes on Earth.

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January 14, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Posted in News

Take This Story To The Snowbank

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So this morning I got the car stuck in a snow bank this morning.

In my driveway.

Go me.

This image was taken last year during our region’s massive snow storm. Picture about half this amount on the ground. Now picture a Suzuki Sx4 stuck on the right side of the driveway (your right). Now picture me frantically digging around the wheels with the better half attempting to spinning the car out and hitting me with slush. Fun times.

I’ll be hearing about this one for a while and deservedly so.

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January 13, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Posted in Life

Leave It To Justin Beaver

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So this story took place last month, but I’m lazy.

In December, the better half took her 14-year-old niece to a Justin Beaver concert. She got the tickets a while back and got some “super” package that included a bunch of crap like Justin Beaver tote bags, calendars and other stuff.

They arrived at the arena, Justin Beaver did his thing, and that’s that. Then why am I talking about this?

Because NHL legend Mario Lemieux was only three seats away from Mrs. kkk and the niece. Yeah, that’s how the kkk household rolls. Well when the better half pointed out Super Mario to her niece, this lifelong southwestern Pennsylvania resident said, “Who’s Mario Lemieux?”

I have nothing more to say on this subject.

Well, actually, I do. I said something equally dumb. When Mrs. kkk was telling me about the concert, she remarked that her niece was going to give the better half’s Justin Beaver tote bag/other “super package” materials to her one friend who wanted to go to this concert but could not. My response was, “You mean you didn’t keep your tote?” And I was being dead-ass serious.

NOW I have nothing more to say on this subject.

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January 12, 2011 at 10:44 pm

Posted in Life

Memo to the BcS

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If you are going to have this much time go by between your regular season and so-called “National Championship,” make the game five periods or something. It takes the teams at least a quarter to get their mojo running.

And with all that time spent preparing for this game, I hope Cam’s at least getting time-and-a-half.

My final thought regarding the last exhibition college football game of the season, and I can’t say this enough. Hey ESPN/Charles Barkley, still think Auburn should have hired Turner Gill instead?

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January 11, 2011 at 10:30 pm

Posted in Sports

Must-See TVick

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At home with the Mrs. with a Philadelphia Eagles playoff game starring Michael Vick on the TV. All the ingredients for a perfect storm of obscenities are ready…

…actually, the result was pretty much a dud. She fell asleep by the second half and only dropped a few f-bombs on Vick.

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January 10, 2011 at 10:28 pm

Posted in Sports

You Can’t See These Hawks

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You know, if the Seattle Seahawks reach the Super Bowl, they will be one game above .500 — that’s awesome.

Damn I wish I had put money down on that game. I didn’t think they’d win, but the Saints defense was banged up and Seattle plays solid at home.

But you know, if the Seattle Seahawks reach the Super Bowl, they will be one game above .500 — that’s awesome.

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January 9, 2011 at 9:58 pm

Posted in Sports

Malling Over Getting A “Next” Generation Console

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So last night I decided to get a Playstation 3. While out and about I decided to stop by the nearby mall. I’m not making this up –every store I looked at made me feel like a borderline perv/pedophile, and seeing some kid with what looked to be a house arrest device on his let.

I think my visits to the mall are coming to an end — unless I want to engage in morning power walks prior to the stores opening.

And it’s not like I was trying to leer at under-age skanks. Every time I looked up there was some teen-age slut shop. AHHHH, look away. I turn to some other similar store. EEEEK. There’s ANOTHER one of these goddamn stores.Now I know why all the old people sit on the benches. They found a comfortable line of sight and don’t want to give it up.

There’s one store that looks like a pre-teen night-club. There are shutter windows so Mrs. kkk and I have never actually looked inside. I’m afraid some 12-year-old bouncer will chase after me. All that’s missing is the velvet rope.

I was told that this store I’m describing is called Hollister, so I Googled this place.

Yeah, that looks about right.

And as if I didn’t feel old enough from the mall, when I hooked up the PS3 I popped in a Madden game. Holy Christ.

I don’t buy new video games. I’ve owned a PS2 since 2000 and I’ve played Madden ’05 since … well, 2005. To say this was a culture shock would be an understatement. When I’d play Madden ’05, I always thought, “Gee, it’d be nice to have more plays/formations to choose from. It’d be nice to sub individual players whenever I wanted. Well guess what? I can do that now. And I have no clue what I’m doing.

Damn kids.

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January 9, 2011 at 9:49 pm

Posted in Life

Shooter Shithead

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And when I heard this story earlier today, my first thought was…

A gunman targeted Rep. Gabrielle Giffords as she met with constituents outside a busy supermarket Saturday…

…Democrat or Republican?

…wounding the Democrat…

And so it begins…

…and killing Arizona’s chief federal judge and five others in an attack that left Americans questioning whether divisive politics had pushed the suspect over the edge.

Oh this should be fun.

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January 8, 2011 at 10:44 pm

Posted in News

The Power Of The Constitution Compels You

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For the record, I have an alibi at the time of this event.

It just so happens videotape of where I was during this period is locked up next to the Kenyan Koffee Fetcher’s “birth certificate.”

A protester who says the Non-Dialect Negro wasn’t born in the USA was arrested this morning for disrupting the reading of the Constitution in the House chamber.

The woman yelled out “except the Muslim Wookie Fucker” when Rep. Frank Pallone, D-N.J., read the clause in the Constitution that states only a “natural born citizen” may be president of the United States. People who contend President Hussein was born outside of the USA are known in the blogosphere as “birthers” those who speak truth to power.

Actually, I kinda like the idea of having a reading of the Constitution before the start of Congress. Maybe after a while Nancy Pelosi would combust.

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January 7, 2011 at 6:48 pm

Posted in News

A Friend In Need … Better Not Depend On Facebook

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So I read this story from across the Pond.

A middle-aged woman who told her 1,048 Facebook “friends” that she had taken an overdose was found dead the next day after none came to her aid.

Simone Back, 42, posted a last message on the social networking site at 10.53pm on Christmas Day saying: “Took all my pills be dead soon bye bye everyone.”

Some users of the site even taunted the 42-year-old over her final status update instead of trying to save her, calling her a “liar” and saying the fatal overdose was “her choice”.

Yesterday her mother, Jennifer Langridge, said she was shocked and upset that nobody did anything for her daughter despite being aware of her threats.

Gotta admit. I probably would have made a sarcastic comment. Probably something like, “See ya.”

Gladly admit. I’m a terrible person.

This story brings back memories of the crack-whore niece-in-law when she has pulled shit like this in the past. The best was her most recent attempt when she sent a text to Mrs. kkk saying, “Tell grandma I’ll always lover her,” right before overdosing on some pills. Oddly enough, she didn’t OD to the point where she died. Just enough to bring the paramedics over to her place and get her to the hospital. I think that was the fourth time she’s tried that shit, so excuse me if I’m indifferent about someone using Facebook to tell 1,000+ “friends” that she’s committing suicide.

And here’s the shocker of all shockers.

Mental health charities said the case was a sad reflection on today’s society where friends made online are not necessarily friends in real life.

Well no shit.

Next thing you’ll tell me is that there are some people out there which go on this thing called the Internet to download porn.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

January 6, 2011 at 1:44 am

Posted in News

Call It As I See It (In The Phone Book)

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So some legal firm spent the day calling every person in the phone book with the same last maiden name as Mrs. kkk looking for the crack-whore sister-in-law. And we weren’t part of the club this time. 😦

Oh well, there’s always the next bill collector.

These phone calls are nothing new. Some lawyer or credit card/collections agency chums the waters with cold-calling looking for the crack-whore sister-in-law (and sometimes even the crack-whore niece-in-law; she’s growing up so fast), and we are oftentimes included in these “sweeps.” I find it funny that when these people contact my brother-in-law, he actually offers to drive these people to the crack-whore sister-in-law’s apartment, but these legal beagles never take him up on the offer.

Hell, I’d probably give these people the same offer. That is if the better half would let me interact with people calling the house.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

January 5, 2011 at 1:39 am

Posted in Life

Craptastic Cat

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So before I continue with this story, let me say right away that Dessa is fine.

On Sunday night, Bella was “stalking” Dessa in the kitchen. Dessa was attempting to use the litter box and Bella wasn’t having any of that. This caused Dessa to take MASSIVE poop on the kitchen floor. Seeing these presents is nothing new from her, and when the better half pointed out this latest deposit to me I said I’d clean it up once it got … less fresh. A few minutes later Mrs. kkk came up to me and noted that there was blood in Dessa’s load on the floor.


The rational part of my brain noted that it had been a few days since Dessa pooped and that she may have strained a bit in order to get all that crap out of her. However, with her being 12 years old, she is considered a “senior” cat, bordering on “geriatric.” Whatever is going to kill her — cancer, liver failure, etc. — is going to come swift and hard. We made an appointment for the vet Monday. The vet checked her out, inspected the poop (which we bagged and brought with us to the vet). Her diagnosis was that Dessa just had to take that Ron White crap which makes you feel 10 pounds lighter afterward.

This episode got me the thinking. What the hell is going to happen to me when I turn 64, which is about the equivalent of 12 cat years? God help me.

My first hunch seemed to be the correct one — Dessa has pooped since the vet visit and there was no blood. Her poop amount was also more in tune with what she normally produces.

Christ. Once I arrive at my future nursing home, I will be Dessa and some orderly will be writing about my bowel movements. W00t~!

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

January 4, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Posted in Life

Crashes Come In All Shapes And Sizes

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I’m not sure what was more surreal today.

1) Watching one car rear-end a SUV along Rt. 30 (and getting pretty dinged up in the process)


2) Watching two old people on Hoverounds (or whatever they’re called) crash into each other at the grocery store.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

January 4, 2011 at 1:34 am

Posted in Life

Hawaii 5-Oooooooh

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So with the new HDTV came a new DVR from Comcast; the new DVR has a HDMI component. One topic of discussion which was then brought up at the kkk house was to DVR shows in HD or keep DVR’ing in standard definition.

The plus to DVR’ing in HD: You watch shows in high definition (duh).

The negative to DVR’ing in HD: You aren’t able to record/store nearly as much programming.

While I was on the side of DVR’ing HD programs, the better half had a dissenting viewpoint. She kept a shitload of programs on our old DVR — some from a year ago. She has a habit of recording shows and not watching them. Ever. Even when it came to show like “American Idol,” she would record the program, find out who got eliminated that week and then not watch that show until a month later. She would keep track of who got eliminated but would watch 4-5 shows at once long after they were broadcast. If we were to start recording in HD, this wasn’t going to happen.

Her solution was to have her record all her stuff in standard and all my stuff in HD. That’s fine, but I still saw the potential fight on the horizon when storage space is at a premium and she has to dump some of her months-old shows. I can practically hear her say, “Well it’s because you take up more space with your HD programs!” (For the record, I only DVR six 30-minute programs. Mrs. kkk would still have the majority of DVR dedicated to her viewing schedule.)

Well all this was tossed aside last night when she saw “Hawaii 5-0” in HD tonight. Did I mention she’s obsessed with Alex O’Loughlin? I guess after Kurt Warner retired from the NFL she needs a new TV boy-toy. Anyway, her previous position of, “I can’t tell the difference between HD and regular programming,” has now turned into, “OMGOMGOMG HD IS AWESOME. LOOK AT HIM!” I guess I should be grateful Alex kept his shirt on; Mrs. kkk’s teenybopper side was in full glory whenever she was watching a movie/TV show that featured him topless.

Still can’t wait until she has to make some cuts to the DVR lineup when there’s a lack of room for her backlog of programs.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

January 3, 2011 at 11:33 pm

Posted in Entertainment

Any Sale Is A Best Buy

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OK, so I make my fair share of Muslim jokes. But that’s because I care.

In fact, I make these quips so that whenever I actually come out and defend those of the Islamic faith, you know it’s for real.

In the ballroom of an upscale hotel a short train ride from New York, advertisers, food industry executives and market researchers mingled — the men in dark suits, the women in headscarves and Western dress.

The setting was the American Muslim Consumer Conference, which aimed to promote Muslims as a new market segment for U.S. companies.

While corporations have long catered to Muslim communities in Europe, businesses have only tentatively started to follow suit in the United States — and they are doing so at a time of intensified anti-Muslim feeling that companies worry could hurt them, too.

“We are not saying, ‘Support us,'” said Faisal Masood, a graduate of the University of Illinois, Chicago, and management consultant. “But we want them to understand what our values are.”

There are signs the industry is stirring: Masood, a Wall Street executive who organized the gathering, had attracted only 200 or so attendees when he started the event last year. This year, he had to close registration at 400.

The worldwide market for Islamically permitted goods, called halal, has grown to more than half a billion dollars annually. Ritually slaughtered meat is a mainstay, but the halal industry is much broader, including foods and seasoning that omit alcohol, pork products and other forbidden ingredients, along with cosmetics, finance and clothing.

Corporations have been courting immigrant Muslim communities in Europe for several years.

In the United States, iconic American companies such as McDonald’s (which has a popular halal menu overseas) and Wal-Mart have entered the halal arena. In August, the natural grocery giant Whole Foods began selling its first nationally distributed halal food product — frozen Indian entrees called Saffron Road.

Along with new customers, however, the companies draw critics and can become targets in the ideological battle over Islam and terrorism.

It’s all about the free market. If there is enough of a Muslim base in a region, there is no reason why businesses shouldn’t try and accommodate in order to make a buck. Why do you think you have to push “1” on your telephone to hear an automated message in English? Say what you will about the millions upon millions of invaders south of the U.S. border, but there are a bunch of other, legal, citizens which speak Spanish and companies are just doing business.

U.S. companies have faced some resistance. Last year, Best Buy Inc. was inundated with calls, e-mails and letters complaining that the company was anti-American after acknowledging a Muslim holiday — “Eid al-Adha,” or the Feast of the Sacrifice — for the first time in a national ad. That year, Eid al-Adha fell around Thanksgiving, so the ad, a small bubble at the bottom of the page, appeared in the company’s Thanksgiving flier. Critics seized on the timing in their complaints.

“They used very abusive language,” said Nausheena Hussain, a marketing manager for Best Buy in Minnesota. “It was pretty sad.”

Best Buy executives stood by their decision. Soon, Muslims started calling to thank Best Buy and set up a Facebook page honoring the company.

Funny thing is I saw an “Eid al-Adha” reference in this week’s Best Buy circular earlier today. Hell, I’m less “offended” by that than the stupid “Happy Kwanzaa” which was right next to it.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

January 2, 2011 at 7:02 pm

Posted in News

Farewell Swindell

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So here I thought this was going to be an actual column about some of the good things Fast Eddie has done while governor of this commonwealth.

The train wreck is about to be cleared.

That undoubtedly is the perception many Pennsylvanians have as Ed Rendell prepares to leave the governor’s office after eight stupefyingly unspectacular years.

The governmental derailment that included uncontrollable spending, tardy budgets, contentious clashes with legislators and sweetheart deals for the governor’s cronies finally appears ready to be uprighted.

Rendell unquestionably leaves a tarnished reputation as new conductor Tom Corbett prepares to toot the train whistle. But will his legacy remain that way forever? I think not. I believe the passage of time will reveal that Rendell was:

And then I got to this part…

• An advocate for the truly needy

When state lawmakers in 2005 infamously awarded themselves pay hikes of as much as 54 percent — in the middle of the night, without debate or public input — Rendell applauded the move.

“I believe this is good legislation,” he said. “(Lawmakers) have a reasonable right to expect periodic raises, which they deserve.”

After four months of public outcry, Rendell helped revoke that right to expect periodic raises by signing legislation rescinding the pay grab.

• Kind and compassionate

Rendell’s proposed solution to a lengthy 2009 budget impasse was to advocate the murder of state legislators he felt were behaving counterproductively.

Referencing the 1964 James Bond movie “Goldfinger,” Rendell recalled a scene in which the titular villain killed a roomful of gangsters by using poison gas. “You might have thought after watching (bickering legislators) that that would have been a good idea,” he said.

• A model of tact and decorum

Apparently not realizing he was speaking into an open microphone at a public event, Rendell two years ago praised then-President-elect Barack Obama’s selection of Arizona Gov. Janet Napolitano as Homeland Security secretary.

“Janet’s perfect for that job,” he noted, “because for that job, you have to have no life.”

• A strong proponent of highway safety

During a four-month period in 2004, Rendell’s vehicle was clocked several times traveling over 100 mph on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. Although the governor later acknowledged that was excessive speed, he explained he didn’t always order his state trooper chauffeurs to travel that fast.

“I’ve told my troopers that I don’t want them exceeding 80 unless they need to pass, or unless there’s some real exigent circumstance,” he said.

The maximum speed limit when the governor made that remark was, and remains, 65 mph.

• An astute judge of character

Upon state Sen. Vince Fumo’s retirement announcement in 2008, Rendell praised the Philadelphia Democrat. “(Although) no one is 100 percent good (or) 100 percent bad, the balance tips greatly toward the good work that Vince Fumo has done,” he said.

Rendell was 100 percent wrong. A year later, Fumo was convicted on all 137 counts of conspiracy, fraud, tax offenses and obstruction of justice with which he was charged.

Rendell might exit with the reputation of being an incompetent conductor. But consider the accomplishments listed above and ask yourself: How could history fail to treat this man kindly?

The one thing I will truly miss is the better half screaming “FAT-ASS!!!”, or an equivalent thereof, every time Fast Eddie soundbite is played on television or radio.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

January 2, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Posted in News

Hook ’em Horn Frogs

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So yesterday my gut was telling me that Wisconsin was going to pull away from TCU and win the Rose Bowl. And the Badgers would have won — if college football had five 15-minute periods.

Yay, TCU. I find it funny that for a team which was heralded for its defense the offense carried the day. The Horn Frog’s defense looked WAY out-sized, but a win’s a win.

Especially when it’s in Pasadena.

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

January 2, 2011 at 6:44 pm

Posted in Sports

Big 10 A Big Zero — For Now

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So I can’t decide which Big 10 beat-down I’m enjoyed more today — Michigan State getting trounced by Alabama or Michigan getting pummeled by Mississippi State. Then again, it’s always fun whenever Penn State loses, even it was a close game.

It’s now half-time at the Rose Bowl and it’s a pretty solid offensive game. Something tells me Wisconsin will make the necessary halftime adjustments and pull away, but I’m routing for TCU if only for exposing the bullshit that is the NCAA’s “regular season tournament.” BcS indeed.

And the following conversation was had by the better half an I as we took down the Christmas tree during the start of this game. You can figure out who’s who.

“Gooooo Horned Frogs!”

“What the hell did you say?”

“I’m cheering on TCU.”

“They call themselves the Horned Frogs?”


“That is the stupidest thing I ever heard.”

“You said the same thing last year when they were on TV.”

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

January 1, 2011 at 7:46 pm

Posted in Sports

“Winter” Classic

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Oh pretty please with sprinkles on top have the Winter Classic start at 8 pm tonight. I have zero desire to watch Oklahoma destroy UConn in the Fiesta Bowl.

Bummer the weather got warmer around here; it’s been cold and snowing for the last month or so. Damn you global warming.

While I’m on the subject of the NHL’s “Winter Classic.” Maybe it’s because I live in a “hockey” region, but what’s the big deal with this thing? Sure it’s neat to have a hockey game outside in a football/baseball stadium, but it just seems to be a bunch of hoopla about nothing.

Then again, I shouldn’t pee in the punch bowl. The NHL seems to have a good thing going with this, so I really shouldn’t hate (much).

Written by kkktookmybabyaway

January 1, 2011 at 10:59 am

Posted in Sports