Give Me My Break

One thing that really used to get on my nerves at a few former jobs was when co-workers would approach me on my break while I was listening to a CD via portable player and headphones. The following conversation would then ensue:

Them: “hey … Hey … HEY!”
Me: “What?”
“Whatcha listening to?”
“Ramones/EPMD/Offspring/etc.”
“Any good?”

For the rest of my break I’d be talking with this schmuck when all I wanted to do was listen to some goddamn music for 10-15 minutes. Oh that used to piss me off. And if these people weren’t talking about your taste in music during a short break they commented on your food during a lunch break. My favorite memory was when this retard came up to me while I was enjoying some animal crackers and milk and asked, “Whatcha eating?” What the fuck does it look like, dipshit? The bag on the table in front of me says “Animal Crackers” and there’s a bunch of circus/zoo animals on the packaging. Nevertheless I humored this dolt and responded with “animal crackers.” I swear to God at this point he was sprouting wood. He started going “Ooooh ANIMAL CRACKERS. That sounds good.” Jesus Christ. If you had 99 cents in your pocket you could probably get some of your own and jerk off to their crunchy, but not-too-sweet, goodness instead of bothering me with this pisspoor attempt at small talk, or whatever you cretins try to bother me with.

While I’m on this subject, here’s another thing that gets on my nerves. You go to a retail store and buy something, anything. When you go to the register, the cashier makes some gay-ass comment about what a great purchase you made. OK, I can deal with this, after all they’re just trying to be friendly. However, what sometimes comes next from these people makes me want to kill; they remark about how they wished they had whatever it was you were buying. For fuck’s sake, I bought this in the STORE YOU WORK IN. I doubt Wal-Mart or Target has a policy forbidding its employees from buying in-house merchandise. Go on your break and buy one of whatever it was that I brought to your work sta — that is if you aren’t planning on popping in a CD in the break room, only to have Doug from Electronics ask you what you’re listening to.

NIfTy NC State

Whenever the NIT is under way, there’s always jokesters who say things like, “time to see which team is the 66th best in the country lol.” And while it is odd, albeit funny, that this tournament has a back-to-back champ, five consecutive wins in tournament play is five consecutive wins. So to NC State I say congrats. Maybe next year you can get into the big dance and get blown out in the first round.

Born To Be … What?

Shoot me now. Before typing up this masterpiece of an entry you are currently reading, I popped in my Best-of Steppenwolf CD and realized that while “Born to be Wild” played I was scanning through a shopping receipt seeing how much money I saved during today’s trip to the store. And for those scoring at home, I saved $11 off a $23 bill, thanks to weekly specials and coupons.

Could The Roles Be Switched In Gender Bias?

With all the PC/Affirmative Action bullshit that’s run rampant on universities today, it’s only poetic justice that there’s at least one college out there that is turning away more qualified female applicants in favor of less qualified male ones. The reason? Because there are less males going to Big Academia than women.

A few days ago I watched my daughter Madalyn open a thin envelope from one of the five colleges to which she had applied. “Why?” was what she was obviously asking herself as she handed me the letter saying she was waitlisted.

Why, indeed? She had taken the toughest courses in high school and had done well, sat through several Saturday mornings taking SAT’s and the like, participated in the requisite number of extracurricular activities and written a heartfelt and well-phrased essay.

She had not, however, been named a National Merit finalist, dug a well for a village in Africa or climbed to the top of Mount Ranier. She is a smart, well-meaning, hard-working girl, but in this age of swollen applicant pools that are decidedly female, that wasn’t enough. The fat acceptance envelope is simply more elusive for today’s accomplished young women.

I know this well. At my own college these days, we have three applicants for every one we can admit. Just three years ago, it was two to one. Though Kenyon was a men’s college until 1969, more than 55 percent of our applicants are female, a proportion that is steadily increasing. My staff and I carefully read these young women’s essays about their passion for poetry, their desire to discover vaccines and their conviction that they can make the world a better place.

I was once one of those girls applying to college, but that was 30 years ago, when applying to college was only a tad more difficult than signing up for a membership at the Y. Today, it’s a complicated and prolonged dance that begins early, and for young women, there is little margin for error: A grade of C in Algebra II/Trig? Off to the waitlist you go.

Rest assured admissions officers are not cavalier. Last week, the 10 officers at my college sat around a table, 12 hours every day, deliberating the applications of hundreds of talented men and women. While poring over statistics, we heard about a young woman from Kentucky we were not yet ready to admit outright. She was the leader/president/editor/captain/lead actress in every activity in her school. She had taken six advanced placement courses and had been selected for a prestigious state leadership program. In her free time, this whirlwind of achievement had accumulated more than 300 hours of community service in four different organizations.

Few of us sitting around the table were as talented and as directed at age 17. Unfortunately, her test scores and grade point average placed her in the middle of our pool. We had to debate before we decided to swallow the middling scores and write “admit” next to her name.

Had she been a male applicant, there would have been little, if any, hesitation to admit. The reality is that because young men are rarer, they’re more valued applicants. Two-thirds of colleges and universities report they get more female than male applicants, and more than 56 percent of undergraduates nationwide are women. Demographers predict that by 2009, only 42 percent of all U.S. baccalaureate degrees will be given to men.

That’s right, baby. Diversity is a two-way street, and if it’s really diverse it’s at least a four-way intersection. I especially loved the way this sure-fire feminazi ended her article:

“I admire the brilliant successes of our daughters. To parents and the students getting thin (rejection) envelopes, I apologize for the demographic realities.”

You ought to be apologizing for your institution’s practice of discrimination.

A Six Point Dance Could Cost 15 Yards

So the NFL powers-that-be decided that excessive touchdown celebrations will result in a 15-yard penalty. Lame.

The NFL used to worry about hang time. Now they’ll have to worry about dance time.

Among the 15 new rule proposals passed yesterday by the league’s 32 clubs was the banishment of ”prolonged or excessive celebrations” as well as celebrating while a player is on the ground. This is an attempt to forestall the antics of Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson, Dallas Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens, and Carolina Panthers wide receiver Steve Smith, all of whom have used what were called ”props” by Competition Committee co-chairman Jeff Fisher. Props, among other things, are now banned and will result in a 15-yard penalty. In addition, any dance deemed too long by game officials will result in an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty after a warning.

Sure many of these pre-planned dances and stunts are stupid, but are they really that bad? I actually enjoyed Chad Johnson’s antics last year, and before Terrell Owens drew the ire of ESPN for picking on Donovan McNabb, I was entertained by a number of his touchdown celebrations; I admit to being amused at that thing he did with the pom-pom’s a few years ago, not to mention that incident in Dallas where he went to midfield and defaced the 50-yard Star.

Looking For Some Direction(s)

I’m not too good at giving directions, even though I try my darndest. Back when I used to work at the convenience store, I used to get plenty of people asking me where certain streets/buildings/etc. were and I’d just go “derp.” The only exception to this was on the weekends, when a local flea market would open. The reason I knew the location of this swap meet? Because it was literally only a few miles down the street from my workplace. Even though I always started out trying to be as helpful as I could to these people, it almost always ended in disaster. Despite the flea market only being a straight shot away, the handful of lost customers who asked me where this place was would ALWAYS question my directions of “just go straight through the intersection on Wildwood Road and it will appear on your left a few miles down.” One time this guy even whipped out a hand-written map and said that’s not where the flea market was located according to his directions, to which my response was, “well then follow your map and ignore the directions of someone who has lived in this area for six years and has visited this flea market on several occasions.” That response didn’t go over too well.

Flea market pilgrims aside, the reason I always try to be as helpful as I can to someone lost is because I’m, for the most part, a believer in karma and know if I’m ever in need of directions I’d want to get someone who is as good-intentioned as me when it comes to helping wayward travelers. Well, early this morning I was at work and realized I needed to get batteries for the digital camera. I headed out to the nearby grocery store, and as I was approaching the sliding doors, this lady in some rusted-out hooptie called out to me. I approached her and she told me that she had gotten off the wrong exit off I-376 and was looking for the local Olive Garden. Now I only work in this area and don’t venture out much, so at first I told her that I couldn’t think of one around here. However, the little hamster in his wheel that powers my thought process kicked it into overdrive while this lady was explaining her predicament. Suddenly, I remembered where the Olive Garden was – I drove past there a few times while exploring the area when I first started my job. The problem was that I wasn’t sure of all the street names from where we were to where she would have had to go. I told her that I remembered where the Olive Garden was located. Because she was parked in the middle of the road and causing a backup in traffic, I said that if she would park her car I could write the directions down for her. She suddenly snapped in a ghetto fashion, “I ain’t got no time fo’ dat! I was ‘sposed to be o’er dere’ five minutes ago!” and sped off. Bitch. Oh well, I think I got a few extra points from the Karma Gods on that one.

Out Of The Frying Pan And Into The … Oven

I have been regulating the feeding of my three cats. By giving each a quarter-cup of food in the morning and at night, I’m hoping this will prevent any health-related problems with them such as diabetes. The problem with this though is that now it’s nearly impossible to cook anything because you get overrun by felines on the hunt for food. This evening I was cooking a Lean Pocket in the oven (I can’t stand eating those things straight out of the microwave; it takes longer to bake a Pocket, but it’s worth it in the end.) and was getting a turkey sandwich prepared for a brief baking. The Lean Pocket was ready to be taken out, so I partially opened the oven door and turned back to finish putting the condiments on the sandwich. It was at this time when JJ trotted into the kitchen and began sniffing around; my guess is that he was smelling the Chicken Quesadilla Lean Pocket. I kept an eye on him and noticed that his backside began wiggling, which is always followed by a lunge/leap/charge. When I realized that he was about to jump in an oven that’s been at 350 degrees for 30 minutes, I reached for him, but I was too late. He jumped INTO THE OVEN. Fortunately, he’s not very coordinated and he only managed to get his front end onto the oven’s opening. His weight made the door fall all the way down, and I was able to get him to jump off the door completely.

When I turned around back to my sandwich, I saw Dessa (who jumped up onto the island counter — where my sandwich was — while I was dealing with JJ) sniffing the turkey meat that was out. As I picked her up off the island, the little bitch snagged a slice of turkey in her mouth while in mid-air and took off with it under the living room coffee table. Thank God Max was too busy looking out an opened window and didn’t get in on this action.

Finding True eLove

So how much is it worth to find true love? Apparently $12,000 if you’re some schmoe suing eHarmony.com for not being allowed to sign up for this dating service. The reason he was turned down? He’s still married, which is a no-no, according to eHarmony. On a side note, I don’t understand why anyone would join that place. It’s not that finding love on the Internet is necessarily a bad thing (it can’t be any worse than the local bar scene), but rather because the Web site’s founder is one of the most annoying commercial spokespeople in recent memory. Also, I so want to see these testimonials from those couples they show on television a few years down the road when the shine of wedded bliss has long faded.

General Mayhem

Will someone please put General Motors out of my misery?

General Motors Corp.’s debt was downgraded by Moody’s Investors Service after the automaker said it may have to pay back as much as $3 billion earlier than previously planned.

Moody’s cut GM one level to B3, six steps below investment grade. GM said in a regulatory filing yesterday that financial restatements it was forced to make threaten the use of a $5.6 billion line of credit loan and it may have to pay back $3 billion in lease obligations sooner than it expected. The outlook is negative, meaning the rating might be cut again.

It’s hard to feel bad for a company that set itself up for a huge fall when instead of cutting back and streamlining, they agreed with unions to let laid-off workers sit in these jobs banks, collecting a fat paycheck and receiving health benefits.

Houston, You Have A Crime Problem

So the city of Houston took in the evacuees of Hurricane Katrina and what do they have to show for it? A rise in crime. Thank God nobody wants to come to my city; we have enough derelicts as it is.

Sock It To Racists

Gotta love the Europeans. I guess their fans at soccer games can get a bit unruly and FIFA has issued reminders that RACISM will not be tolerated. Of course, you could always punish the FANS who are being racist shitheads, but that would require individual responsibility, and this is Europe we’re taking about after all. I don’t know much about European society, but I do know that some of their soccer enthusiasts put U.S. idiot fans to shame.

Illegals Marchnig Onward

So a bunch of illegals took to the streets this weekend to bitch about being treated like a foreigners. Okie Dokie. I’m getting sick of hearing about this subject, because what’s the point of debating? For every study that claims these unregistered residents of the United States of America, there’s one that shows how much of a burden these people are. Nothing will get done about this problem. Why, these undocumented workers do the jobs no American would do and we’d all be paying $10 for a head of lettuce. Whatever. Guess I have to get used to the taste of salsa because these illegal aliens aren’t going anywhere anytime soon.

Getting Out The Voting Machines

I just heard on the radio that, for the next election in my great state of Pennsylvania, our government is spending tens of millions of dollars to replace our perfectly adequate voting machines with used voting electronic voting machines that probably won’t be ready in time. To make matters better, some of these machines are from Illinois, home of Cook County and voters that rise from the dead every few years to vote for Democrats. Oh, this will be a fun upcoming election season.

Giving Credit To Privacy Poachers

Here we go again with Big Brother invading our privacy. Some hired goon pretended to be a political opponent in order to view that person’s credit report. I bet this poor victim’s telephones were also wire-tapped. Oh, wait. The person who pleaded guilty was a former staff member of the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee, and the victim was a Republican running for governor of Maryland?

A Democratic researcher pleaded guilty yesterday to misrepresenting herself on a Web site as Michael S. Steele, Maryland’s lieutenant governor and a Republican candidate for the U.S. Senate, and fraudulently obtaining his credit report last summer.

Under a plea agreement reached with prosecutors, the misdemeanor charge against Lauren B. Weiner, a former staff member of the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee, could be dropped in a year if she completes 150 hours of community service and commits no other offenses.

Nevermind.

Was Sharon Stoned When Giving This Advice?

And Hollywood wonders why Red State America finds them out of touch. Take Sharon Stone (please) and her reason why she thinks Hitlery shouldn’t run for President just yet.

“This may sound odd, but a woman should be past her sexuality when she runs. Hillary still has sexual power and I don’t think people will accept that. It’s too threatening.”

There are a lot of things I think about when the subject of Hitlery sprouts up, and anything dealing with the word “sexual” isn’t on this list. Then again, if by “sexual power” Stone means grabbing your hubby by the balls and twisting until you get your way, then she may be on to something.

Speaking of this stupid bitch (Stone, not Hitlery), here’s more evidence of why I can’t stand her. From another interview:

I was in the store the other day and I watched a young girl trying on clothes, showing her abdomen. Her mother was trying to talk to her about not being inappropriately luring. I said, ‘Gee that would look much nicer with a camisole under.’ Her mother walked away, and I said to the girl, ‘I’d like to give you a two-minute conversation about sex.”

Liberals like her are the same people who bitch about the Religious Right wanting to get into your wombs and Uncle Sam trying to set up shop in your bedrooms, yet she wants to engage in on-the-spot conversations about sex with kids that aren’t her own? Hopefully she’ll take her own advice and end up getting herpes one day around her yapper. Oh, and then there’s this quote:

If you’re in a situation where you cannot get out of sex, offer a blow job. I’m not embarrassed to tell them.

To any young girls out there, Uncle kkk offers this advice. If you’re in a situation where you “cannot get out of sex,” knee the wanna-be rapist in the balls. If you can’t do that and are forced to give a blow job – bite down. Hard. Oh, and if you’re hot, a/s/l plz.

Strike Any Ideas Of Playing Matchmaker

One of my rules to maintaining a happy existence is not to get involved in matchmaking. Heed these words of wisdom. The reason I bring this up now is because the better half is trying to play Chuck Woolery (only without the penis) with one of her friends. I talked about this chick a while back, and to make a long story short she’s approaching the ripe old age of 27 and is moaning that she’s going to be an unwedded, childless spinster for the rest of her life.

A few years ago she was slated to get married, but her groom-to-be bailed with two months to go before the big day. Ever since then she’s been trying desperately to find Mr. Right, or even Mr. He’s Not That Bad. Let me do a quick rundown of some of the guys she’s bedded since the jilting. There was this one guy with webbed feet who told her he just wanted to be friends; friends that fuck, that is. Oh, and from what I heard, this guy is under a court order never to be near his child from a previous marriage. There was that guy who was her date at my wedding, got shit-faced and talked about suicide after she broke up with him. He wasn’t that bad a guy, but she had decided she couldn’t be with him because she was in love with the webbed foot person. The most recent guy called it quits Sunday with her because, according to him, she didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. Of course, his definition of “going out” involved her attending his weekly pool and bowling league competitions (the final blow for him came when she didn’t attend one of these leagues Saturday night). Oh, and this guy also refers to himself in the third person.

I should mention that her taste in men has been less-than-stellar even before the “wedding, or lack thereof” incident. Before this, she dated some guy in high school who used to beat the shit out of her (oddly enough, I found out later that this guy was the grandson of the elderly family the better half and I bought our house from). She also dated some guy who was sentenced for several months in jail for two charges of corruption of a minor (prosecutors tried to get him on rape, but to no avail). Also, the guy she was supposed to marry wasn’t all up there either; one time when Mrs. kkk and her were having a “girls’ night out” at a local restaurant, I was told this guy called her on the cell phone a dozen times in a two-hour period. He thought she was cheating on him; as it turns out, he dumped her to be with some gal he was boning on the side, not to mention in the missionary position, doggy-style, etc.

Anyway, after Mr. Talks In The Third Person dumped her last night, she called the better half crying hysterically because this guy was going to be “the one,” or at least “the next one.” When this phone call ended, my beloved said that she wanted to set her friend up with this guy who was the brother of the ex-boyfriend of her niece. Now I have nothing against my niece’s ex; in fact, I’d rather have him as a nephew than the out-of-control teen that is my niece-in-law. When Mrs. kkk asked me what I thought of setting her friend up, I looked up from watching an all-day James Bond marathon and said it was a bad idea. A very bad idea.

I can understand if you’re a chick and want to help your friend find Mr. Right. I can understand if you’re a guy and want to hook up your buddy with some quick poon. But you just don’t do it. If I know someone and another of my acquaintances inquires as to the availability of said friend, I’ll let them know if they’re in a relationship or on the open market. I might even give a personality overview like “Yeah, she’s nice,” or “He’s a good guy.” Hell, if I get annoyed by my friend constantly talking him or her, I might even say something like “Well then ask her out dip shit.” But under no circumstances will I go any further than that.

And besides, I can’t wait until the better half’s friend hooks up with some slime ball just because he stayed around her longer than three weeks. Hopefully some children will be involved, which will only add to the fun stories that are sure to come from this match made in heaven.

Favorite Baseball Card Designs

While reading a blog from another place, the following comment was made: “And god damn do baseball cards suck now or what?”

Yes they do. And thanks for the idea.

As a kid, I loved collecting sports cards, particularly those dealing with baseball and football. In the 1980s and early 1990s I actively took part in this hobby. However, after around 1993 I stopped collecting, mostly because it seemed that the industry went from collecting for fun to collecting for money. Packs of cards that used to cost 50 cents for a pack of 15 (and that gum – blech) went up to several dollars for a pack of less than 10 cards. No thanks.

I never collected cards for the money; I collected out of nostalgia. Now that I’m older, I’m grateful that I’ve managed to hold onto these little pieces of memorabilia. A few months ago I opened up my collection and went through some boxes, just to see how the cards are holding up, and I couldn’t get myself away from shuffling through thousands upon thousands of these cards. The last time I did any sort of “inventory” on my cards was in the late 1990s, and one of these days I need to go back and re-organize these bad boys.

Like I said, most of my collecting was done during the 1980s and early 1990s, but I also have a few cards from the 1970s and 1960s that I picked up at various shows and hobby stores over the years. However, for me the 1980s and early 1990s were a great time for collecting baseball cards, and below is a list of my favorite designs of this era. Keep in mind I do just about everything in life half-assed, so I have no real criteria or rhyme or reason for some of the years I prefer. The only rule I set was to make each of my “Top 5” from a different company. The reason for this is there are a few designs I like with similar layouts, so that’s kind of like double-dipping to me (see the 1986 and 1991 Donruss brands below).

Without further ado, here is my Top 5. Keep in mind the rankings are determined by an extremely complicated win-share formula that if I showed you I’d have to kill you.

Number 5: 1988 Score

I didn’t collect a lot of this brand, which came out toward the end of my collecting days, but I always liked the 1988 year, mostly because of bright color schemes on the front. Plus I liked that little triangle at the bottom where the player’s name and position is, and there was that white frame around the player’s image; those were some nice touches. I give this a 20 win-share.

Number 4: 1990 Donruss

I was never a fan of Donruss cards, although as I said above, they had a design scheme in 1986 that I liked, which was used again (sorta) in their 1991 set. However, I also dug their 1990 design, which seemed to be a drastic change from how they usually produced their cards. Donruss went with a base red color and an artsy font for names. In addition, the “speckles” used as an enhancer effectively broke up the solid background. I give this a 35 win-share.

Number 3: 1990 Upper Deck

I have a love-hate relationship with Upper Deck. When these cards came out on the market, it was an omen that my days of being involved with this hobby were numbered. These cards were pricier than what I had been used to collecting, and there weren’t as many cards per pack, but damn there some nice-looking designs. The 1989-1991 sets all pretty much looked the same, so I went with the 1990 brand because it had a simpler design than the other two years, and when you dealt with cards that looked this good, sometimes it’s best to keep it simple. I give this a 75 win-share.

Number 2: 1987 Topps

Topps was the big dog of card companies during this time, but I never really got into their designs; most of the time they just seemed stale. However, 1987 was an exception. That wooden background brought out the colorful box where the player’s name was printed. Also, it was a near-perfect complement to the team logo, which was at the top left corner of the card. I give this a 76 win-share. (Originally I had the Topps brand at number 3 and Upper Deck at number 2, but upon further review I couldn’t let the brand that helped bring about my disinterest in the industry lounge in the second slot.)

Number 1: 1984 Fleer

By far my favorite baseball card design, and I really can’t explain why. There was no real color coordination for teams, like the 1987 Topps or 1988 Score cards. There wasn’t a fancy background, like the 1990 Donruss brand, and it certainly wasn’t made of the same quality as the 1991 Upper Deck set. However, the white background meshes perfectly with the blue bars, and the white and black text is a great combination, as is the placement of the team’s logo on the lower right corner. This gets a 10,000 win-share for me.

Like I said before, there were a few other cards that I liked which didn’t make the cut. They include, in no particular order:

1986 Donruss

1991 Donruss (note the resemblance in design from the 1986 brand, or at least there is one for me)

1989 Fleer

1982 Topps

1990 Topps.

In addition, there was a 1988 Classic Card series that for some reason I’ve always liked, and it dealt with Phil Nieko’s final year in the major leagues. There’s one card featuring him on the Indians, another card of him pitching for the Blue Jays and a final card of him finishing off his career where it started, with the Braves.

But baseball cards weren’t the only things I collected. There was also football, a topic I’ll cover in a future entry.

Torrorists Making Another Dixie Album

Great, the Dixie Terrorists are coming out with another album.

Dixie Terrorists: They’re back and this time they’re really angry

They had platinum albums on the walls, Grammys on the shelves, and the adulation of millions of Middle Americans. Then they said what they thought about the Iraq war, and all hell broke loose. Now, despite death threats and boycotts, the Dixie Terrorists are at it again

Much like their previous albums, I won’t care (I’m not a country music fan). However, I can’t wait to hear all the media hoopla about if their more conservative listeners will “forgive” them for the stuff they said back a few years ago about our Commander in Chief. You have the freedom to say whatever you want, but other people are also free to say “fuck you three bitches.”

Pet Passings

This has been a bad week for pets. First a British stray cat that became a mainstay of the Prime Minister’s place died at 18 years of age, and now some turtle that was supposedly the pet of an officer in colonial India around the middle of the 18th century also passed away.

One of the world’s oldest creatures, a giant tortoise, has died in the Indian city of Kolkata.

The animal was believed to be more than 250-years-old.

The tortoise had been at Kolkata Zoo since 1875 but the zoo’s records trace its arrival in India back to the middle of the 18th Century.

It was one of four brought from the Seychelles as a gift to General Robert Clive, one of the founders of British rule in India.

The tortoise became ill after a crack developed in its shell.

The director of the zoo says he is deeply saddened by what he described as the animal’s sudden death.

Dang. 18 years for a cat and 250 for a tortoise? Can’t say they didn’t get their money’s worth on this planet.

A Tinhead When It Comes To Etiquette

Since I’m a retard when it comes to social etiquette and other hippies stuff like that, I’m not sure if I’m in the right or wrong when it comes to this very important issue. Long story short: The mother-in-law received a tin of cookies for Christmas from her one niece, who lives with her father’s family. About a week ago the niece who gave the cookies told the mother-in-law that her uncle who gave her the cookie tin wants it back. (I’m not even going to attempt to explain this family tree because it’s one of broken families that would take about 1,000 words for me to set up.) Now when you make cookies or some other baking concoction and present it in a tin, I’m always under the assumption that you give the tin away as well as what’s inside this container. Now if the person who does the giving asks for the tin back at the start of the transaction, that’s different, but what’s the point of giving someone a tin container if you are going to want it back later? Why not just give away the baked goods in some crappy throw-away Tupperware? Truly, this is one incident that will rock the very foundation of our society.

Cable Guy On Cable News

I talked about Larry the Cable Guy a few days ago, and I’m going to do so again. I was flipping through channels last night and saw two interviews featuring him. The first one was on CMT; no surprise there. I had this on as background noise while cooking dinner, and the most interesting part was when I heard him say that he was a Reagan conservative. I guess that’s better than him not being one. But what really threw me for a loop was later on that evening when he was on Hannity & Colmes. Well, I’d rather listen to his jokes than most of the guests they have on that show. The highlight of that interview was when he talked to Alan. He said that when Colmes had his radio show in Orlando, that Larry was the guy who would call into his show, say “nobody cares what you think” and hang up. The sad thing is I believe this story. Oh, and he also called Bill O’Reilly a communist.

Blue Over My Bracket-Buster

This is why I hate picking games/tournament brackets/etc. I loathe the Duke Blue Devils, but I was hoping they’d win last night because I had them losing to Boston College in the Championship Game several rounds down the road in my bracket. Bastards.

High-Speed Chases Raise My Blood Pressure

There are a lot of things in this world that piss me off, but in the grand scheme of things most of these things are nothing I lose sleep over. However, there are a few things that truly get me mad. One of them is when a police officer is involved in a shooting, and some shitbag lawyer or ACLU-type bitch complains that the cop had to shoot and kill the suspect. Usually, their reasoning is, “Well couldn’t the officer have shot the person in the arm or leg?” Another thing that just angers me to no end are these high-speed police chases. On Wednesday the FAUX NEWS REPORT (lol2006) spent half of the program broadcasting one of these pursuits taking place in California. Not only was this asshole suspected of Grand Theft Auto, but also he was going 80-90 mph in residential areas. I’m sure this asshole eventually got caught; I don’t care how great a person he was before this chase, but he should never see the light of day after trying to avoid the law and putting the lives of innocent motorists and pedestrians around him in danger. The said thing is if he would have gotten into an accident and killed someone, some people would blame the cops for chasing him. Anyone that starts one of these pursuits should be charged with attempted vehicular homicide or something for every car or pedestrian he or she passes. These people should never breath the sweet air of freedom for the rest of their miserable existence.

The Best Of RIGHT-WING RADIO (Part IV)

And down the final stretch I come. For those that don’t know I’m commenting on people I know from this hippie list. If you want to read parts I-III then go to here, here and here.

I saw number 51 Doug McIntyre on Dennis Miller’s short-lived CNBC show, and I liked him whenever he was on that Varsity panel.

52-53: Never heard of ’em.

Never listened to number 54’s Mitch Album’s radio show, but I see/hear him from time-to-time. That’s enough for me.

55-60: Now I’m cruising – most of the rest of this list will probably be local people that aren’t local in my market.

The only exposure I have received from the occupiers of the 61 spot (Bob & Tom) is from their television commercials. That is enough for me.

I don’t hate Thom Hartmann, who is at 62, because he’s a commie. I hate him because he was one of the people that were part of the “new” WPTT, which as a result bumped Boortz. Bastards. I listened to him once for about 5 minutes, laughed and switched back to Rush.

63-76: It says Tom Sullivan fills in for Rush, but with the exception of Walter Williams, I change the channel when there are fill-in hosts.

Now we’re getting somewhere. Number 77 Fred Honsberger is a guy I have listened to on KDKA since 1994. When I was away from Shittsburgh from ’99-’03, one of the few things I missed from that place was his radio show. “Honzman” is a perfect example of how local radio can compete with the evil CLEAR CHANNELS of the world. It’s simple. Have an entertaining show. Fred’s program goes up against Hannity in my market, and if Honsberger is taking calls from stupid union workers who loathe the Wal-Marts of the world, there is nothing more entertaining for my ears. Ever since WPGB started up, Fred’s show has become a bit more “newsy,” which means a lot more boring interviews. When this happens, I usually turn on Mark Madden’s local sports show (Yes, that Mark Madden) or, if I’m feeling lucky, turn on Hannity and pray he’s worth listening to for the next 20 minutes or so.

The second Shittsburgher on this list is number 78, Jim Quinn (with part-time sidekick Rose). I remember listening to this guy as a kid when he was a Top 40 DJ on some pop radio station called B-94 with a guy named Banana Don. Then Quinn got canned over some sexual harassment lawsuit by this chick that used to read the news. He then got on the RIGHT-WING RADIO bandwagon in the early ’90s, when the market wasn’t as saturated. Since then he has carved out a nice little niche for himself in the morning, and when he moved to WPGB after being on another station for a decade, he got a few more stations to broadcast his morning show from in Pennsylvania, Ohio and West Virginia. The show itself isn’t that great because most of what he does is read articles that other people wrote, but what else am I going to listen to early in the morning? Besides, he has this sound clip that he treats like Rush’s old “caller abortions.” It’s the sound of someone ululating followed by an explosion; this sound clip was packaged as a key chain last year that was called the “Mobile Martyr,” and yes, I bought one. The funny thing is this thing goes off whenever it wants, and there have been a few times I blew up a Palestinian youth when I didn’t mean to, much to the chagrin of some strangers around me.

Oh, and Quinn’s old partner, Banana Don? He got canned a few years ago when Howard Stern moved to 93.7 FM.

79: Steve who? Next.

When I lived near Cincinnati, I didn’t listen to number 80 Bill Cunningham, who was on WLW, a station I didn’t frequent (WKRC was my RIGHT-WING RADIO station of choice in Cincy), but I’ve heard him on Hannity’s show as a guest, and I’d rather listen to Bill from 3-6 p.m. than Sean.

81-91: Dunno.

Like Cunningham, number 92 Mike McConnell was on WLW I didn’t listen to him while living in Cincinnati. However, he also has this syndicated weekend show, and whenever I’m doing errands in the car, I make sure to tune him in. Good stuff.

93-95: Let’s skip Chip and friends.

The last person I know on this list is Bruce Williams (96), and I used to listen to him all the time while living in Sappy Valley. Basically, he’s an old guy who gave all kinds of advice. My one former co-worker thought this would be an intellectual show, but in fact it was just the opposite. It was like Dr. Laura for people too cheap to get legitimate legal/financial assistance. There are two calls that I still remember after all these years. One dealt with a guy who wanted to buy a business from someone else (I think it was a pizza shop, but I’m not sure). He said that the seller claimed the business made a certain amount of money “on the books,” which wasn’t an impressive sum, but “off the books” it made a killing. He then asked Bruce if this was a good investment. Bruce responded with “So you’re going to take somebody’s word that his business, which is a failure on paper, makes money illegally?” Can’t remember what the caller said, but I don’t think he went with this investment opportunity. The other caller was some lady that got a $10,000 deposit in her bank account. She spent it all, and about a week later some bank from Canada told her the deposit was a mistake and that they wanted the money back. Bruce said to the lady, “Do you always spend money that’s in your account which you didn’t put there?” Her answer? “Yes.”

97-100: The End.

Now there were a bunch of names off this list that were mentioned, but I don’t feel like talking about any of them. Although I have to note that Lynn Cullen, a local Shittsburgh personality, isn’t on this list — so, WPTT, you took off Boortz, who’s ranked NUMBER NINE on this list for someone who isn’t even featured? Go to hell, you joke of a radio station. Hell yeah I’m still bitter about this.

And also, why isn’t Paul Harvey on this list?! The guy’s more than 80 years old and is still pimping.

Taking The Bus To Work

A bus maintenance worker in Los Angeles is calling it quits at his job – at 100 years of age. According to the article, this guy worked at this place in 1924-1928, left and returned in 1934, and has been there ever since.

After more than three-quarters of a century working for public transit agencies, a bus maintenance worker retired yesterday on his 100th birthday.

For decades, Arthur Winston reported to work at a bus yard at the crack of dawn. By 6 am, he would be supervising a crew of workers as they cleaned and refuelled the region’s bus fleet.

But on Tuesday, Winston abandoned his routine and put on a suit, tie and black fedora and headed downtown to meet the Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors. There, he was lauded for his nearly perfect work record and decades of service with what is currently called the Metropolitan Transportation Authority.

“I’m kind of nervous about leaving the job. I’ve been doing it for so long,” Winston said. “I’m going to miss my crew. But I’ll find plenty of things to do with my free time.”

Winston has missed only one day of work in his entire career, transit officials say. That was in 1988, when his wife of 65 years died.

“He has an impeccable safety record, he never calls in sick, he’s always on time, he’s Mr Reliable,” said Alex DiNuzzo, Winston’s manager of seven years.

The scary part? No, it’s not that he was a bus driver (he wasn’t); during all this time he has missed only one day of work.

Classroom Double-Standard

I don’t know what to think of this chick that banged her 14-year-old student.

Prosecutors dropped child-sex charges against Debra Lafave on Tuesday, just hours after a Marion County judge again rejected a plea deal that would have allowed the former middle school teacher to avoid prison time.

Lafave, now 25, was accused of having sex with a 14-year-old middle school student in June 2004.

Chief Assistant State Attorney Ric Ridgway said he was disappointed, but not surprised by 5th Circuit Judge Hale Stancil’s ruling.

“The decision (to drop charges) was made after talking to the family. It was clear they wanted the charges dropped, and we respected their wishes,” Ridgway said.

I guess what leaves a sour taste in my mouth is that if it was a male teacher who did this to a female student, we wouldn’t be hearing about how the guy has a bipolar disorder. This guy accused would be beating the feminazis back with a stick, and I wouldn’t blame these ravenous harpies for wanting his hide. The person I really feel for is this crazy chick’s husband; not only do we now know that he wasn’t able to get the job done in the bedroom, but also that she preferred some kid who isn’t old enough to drive a car over him.

No Members In This One-Man Gang

Now this was … interesting.

Jakub Fik, 33, went on a rampage, smashing car windows on the (Chicago’s) Northwest Side. When police approached him, Fik hurled several knives and his severed penis at the officers. Police subdued Fik with a Taser gun and took him into custody.

If the guy cut off his member and was still going strong, I’m surprised a Taser was able to slow him down. Goddamn. Apparently the reason he sliced off his johnson was because of trouble with his girlfriend. I don’t think things got any better after that, unless wanting to be a eunuch was his original intent.

Minor-League Prison Violation?

The Florida Corrections Department put a former minor league baseball player on the payroll in a no-show job so that he could help prison guards win a softball tournament, according to investigators. If this were one of those guards/inmate contests, wouldn’t it have been easier to take away the prisoners’ weights for a month or so prior to the game?

This Town’s For The Birds

So I was heading out from work today when I heard about a potential sniper in some building in downtown Shittsburgh, effectively paralyzing the city. Great. And I had to go downtown to pick up the better half from her job. I pulled into a gas station and filled up the tank, expecting to be in gridlock for some time while trying to get around the Fort Pitt tunnels, which had been shut off, according to news reports. Then when I got back in the car, I heard that all was resolved. Apparently, some guy had been shooting pigeons with a pellet gun.

Police closed off most of the Golden Triangle and blocked highway exits to Downtown while they investigated reports of an armed man atop a building on Wednesday afternoon.

After about two hours of frenzied activity, police officials held a news conference on Penn Avenue to announce that the man seen by witnesses had only been firing at pigeons.

“What we had here was a man with a pellet gun that looked like a rifle, and he was shooting at pigeons,” Pittsburgh Police Chief Dom Costa said. “According to a supervisor, he brings it to work sometimes.”

Police have not decided whether any charges will be filed. They are still waiting to interview the man.

I can’t wait until this makes its way around the wires, if it hasn’t already. Instead of making some smart-ass remark, I’m going to defend the city/county police. According to local news reports, the police handled this situation well, so I’ll tip my cap to my favorite city to rag on. Actually, I’ll take it a step further and say that the newly elected mayor, Bob O’Connor, seems like a decent guy, and I hope he can turn the financial woes of Shittsburgh around. Sure he’s a Democrat, but when you’re dealing with urban areas, you pretty much have to take what you can get.

Truth be told, not only am I hopeful that O’Connor will do a good job, but I also like the Democrat Allegheny County Executive Dan Onorato. Ever since he got elected a few years ago, he’s seemed like a stand up guy and hasn’t been afraid to appear on local talk shows and debate/discuss regional issues; he’s even managed to piss off some of the local Democrat machine by trying to streamline county government, a promise he made on the campaign trail. If he would run for governor, I might consider switching my registration so I could vote for him in a primary against that asshole Ed Rendell. Onorato won’t make me want to buy a house in Allegheny County, but he’s a great start.

A Veteran Of Pet Roundups And Avoiding Accidents

Today we had to take Dessa…

…to the vet. Having done this for about seven years now, the better half and I have devised an efficient way to round up whoever needs to go and get their shots. A while back I read somewhere that cats can understand a few words, and if this is indeed the case, “time to go to the vet” has to be one of those familiar phrases. Every time one of them has to go in the carrier, they all seem to have a sixth sense that something is up.

Most of the time when we get home from work, the three of them get up from the spots where they spent the day sleeping and meet us at the front door, hoping we will go into their feeding room and give them some Meow Mix. However, today JJ was under the dining room table, Dessa was under the living room coffee table, and Max was behind some chairs under the kitchen island. And none of them wanted to move. While Mrs. kkk rounded up the unlucky kitty, I went downstairs to get the carrier, which is large enough to comfortably fit a medium-sized dog. After getting confirmation that the target has been picked up, I picked up this contraption. This is when the fur hits the fan. The two cats that aren’t tied up make a beeline for underneath a bed, either in the master bedroom on the first floor or upstairs in the spare bedroom. The cat that is picked up tries to get away, but to no avail (usually – JJ can sometimes wrestle away if given enough space). Once we drop the contained cat into the carrier, they start immediately with the crying, like that’s going to make a difference. “You know, Max, we were going to take you to the vet for your rabies and distemper shots, but after that last whimper you convinced us otherwise.”

Fortunately, Dessa checked out with a clean bill of health, but she could have been in much worse shape on the trip back home. I’m a pretty defensive driver, and one thing I HATE is when another motorist is trying to direct you when they have no control on impending traffic. A good example of this is when you are at a stop light at a four-way intersection and want to turn left. Across from you is a motorist in the left lane of their two-lane road and is waving you on to turn. There’s just one problem: YOU CAN’T SEE WHAT IS COMING IN THE OTHER LANE! These people are the embodiment of liberalism. They have good intentions, but if you follow their path you will surely regret it.

Well, this sort of thing happened to me on the way home from the vet. While driving along the left lane of Rt. 30 West, which is a two-lane highway, I noticed this vehicle in the right lane that had its right blinker on and had slowed down to a near halt. As my eyes were focusing back on the road, I noticed the motorist was making a “waving” gesture, and suddenly I realized this person was probably letting someone pull out. I slammed on the brakes. There was no screeching or the smell of burnt rubber, but there might as well have been. Suddenly this old guy in a red four-door car pulled out in front of me and the bitch that had waved him out. Had I not stopped, I would have plowed into him head-on because he was trying to cross our two lanes to get on Rt. 30 East.

I wasn’t mad at him as much as I was pissed off at the person who said it was OK for him to pull out in oncoming traffic. It wasn’t worth shouting at this bitch because my windows were up and she was already halfway into her turn to the parking lot when I snapped out of my “Christ this could have been a bad accident” trance.

On a side note, while we were at the vet, I couldn’t help but laugh at this black lab that was freaked out by having to be in the vet’s waiting room. You could tell he didn’t want to be there because his tail was in-between his legs and he wasn’t walking but rather being slid across the linoleum floor by his owner. But when his owner took a seat, the dog sniffed the lady next to him, and just like that his tail was wagging and he was having a great time being petted. Of course with Dessa all she does is just sit there and pout in her carrier; even when we take her back home, she bolts out of the carrier and hides under a bed for a couple of hours. The two males we have aren’t as bad, but they won’t be mistaken for that black lab anytime in the near future.

Men’s And Women’s Basketball Tournaments Treated Equally? That’s Madness

I have to give the Women’s College Basketball Tournament props. They finally got someone to dunk. Uh, great, I guess. Then again, my vertical leaves something to be desired. On an unrelated story, a few years back I ran an office March Madness pool at work; if memory serves, I got about 70 people to pony up $1 and fill out their brackets. While an enjoyable experience and overall morale booster, the best part came when some feminazi asked me why I wasn’t doing a pool for the women’s tournament. I think my response of “What a great idea, and you’d only have to charge a quarter entry fee instead of $1,” didn’t totally offend her, but my ears were warm for the next 20 minutes or so.

Check that. The best part came when the chick who won the contest told me if it was OK that her husband was the one who filled out her bracket. While I didn’t care who filled out these forms, it was fun giving her a guilty conscience for the next few days, especially since she was someone who cared about other people’s feelings and well-being. Sucker.

World Baseball Classic — Without The MLB

When the World Baseball Classic concludes tonight, there will only be two players from Major League Baseball on display – pitcher Akinori Otsuka and outfielder Ichiro Suzuki. Big deal. The Pirates would kill just to get a hold of the South African roster. Oh, yeah. Go Japan; fuck those Cuban commies. Unless any want to defect after the game – then welcome aboard.

Larry The Movie Guy

About a week ago I saw some of “The Simple Life,” and had no words to describe the horror I saw. I didn’t think there could be anything to top this.

I was wrong.

In 2005, Larry the Cable Guy swarmed about the public eye like flies on a ham hock.

So widespread was his success, in fact, that his famous catchphrase, “Git-R-Done,” made a list of banished words, released by Lake Superior State University last year.

Now, just when you thought it was safe to go out in public again, the sleeveless comic phenom is back. He has a starring role in the movie “Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector,” which hits screens on March 24.

The sad thing this guy probably has a SAT score above 1300. I like the “Blue Collar” stand-up and all, but there’s no way in hell I’m going to a theater and shelling out $8 to watch some guy say “Git-R-Done” for 90 minutes. It would be interesting, though, just to see who does buy tickets to this film.

Makes Movies, Not War

And Hollywood wonders why people aren’t going to movies. Susan Sarandon is slated to play Cindy Sheehan in some hippie movie. Whoever makes this piece of crap deserves to lose the untold millions it would cost to produce.

He Drives So Well

An update to this entry. The first AFRICAN-AMERICAN TO QUALIFY FOR A NASCAR RACE IN 20 YEARS finished an impressive 38th. Perhaps if there was a police car following him throughout the race, he would have finished with a better time. Actually, I think this guy will feel like an outsider for quite a while. Not because he’s black, but rather because he sounds quite articulate. No, this isn’t another “He speaks so well!” backhanded compliment that’s given to a black person trying to fit in white society; he’s probably the most well-spoken NASCAR driver I’ve heard since, well, ever. Then again I don’t follow NASCAR, so maybe there are some other yankees who haven’t mastered the Southern drawl yet.

Coughing Up This Happy Entry

Ah the joys of relationships. Several days ago the better half got a cold, which of course was passed onto me just in time for the weekend. So as I spent my leisure time sweating one minute and shivering the next, there was another perk to this condition. Whenever we go to bed, she sounds like Kyle’s cousin Pat from “South Park.” If I’m not listening to her gurgle excess phlegm, I am awakened to her hacking a lung out several times a night. Tonight should be a joy.

Getting Wanted Gifts Don’t Register With Some People

One of the pluses to getting married is that you get to set-up one of these wedding registry things. Of course, the problem is nobody ever gets you anything you want off of your registry, or at least that was the case for me. Now I can sympathize with people not wanting to pitch in and buy a new sink base stand (or whatever the hell those things are called), which was one of the things the better half put on our registry, but for God’s sake what’s the point of buying us a single TOWEL? However, on the bright side, we got a bunch of mini-cooking appliances (two George Foreman grills, a cuisinart, a quesadilla maker, and a crockpot, to name a few). Of course, I could have bought 10 of each of these things and have some change left over if I didn’t have to shell out $14k for the wedding, but whatever. Here’s a tip to all the single guys out there whose better halves want a “traditional” wedding with all the stupid “protocol” that’s involved in one of these money pits. Make sure, when they want this “traditional” wedding with all the trimmings, to make it really traditional and have her parents pay for the whole thing.

I’ll See Yates By The Gates Of Hell

Yet another reason why I don’t blame people for wanting the death penalty for lowlife pieces of shit. Not only is Andrea Yates remarried, but she is also getting a second trial for drowning her kids. I wonder if Katie Couric bought Yates something off of the bridal registry?

Ribbing ESPN

So I have ESPN’s “Outside the Lines” on right now as background noise and they’re talking about RACISM in sports, or something. There is this panel on and suddenly I hear them talking about the Rush Limbaugh/Donovan McNabb incident. Eagles safety Brian Dawkins went on to say how horrible this incident was and this ‘n that.

Christ almighty; give it up. A perfect example of what Rush was talking about back then is going on now in NASCAR. This weekend I have heard countless times about some black guy who qualified for a race and how he’s the FIRST BLACK DRIVER TO QUALIFY SINCE WILLY T. RIBBS 20 YEARS AGO. Hey, ESPN, this is what Rush, and many other people, complain about – who gives a shit if a driver is black or some other race? You PC bitches shove this politically correct bullshit down our throats and many of us are tired of listening to it. I hope to God this black dude doesn’t win whatever race he’s in. No, not because he’s black, but because I think ESPN will do to his next race what they did to the last Duke/UNC college basketball game, with each ESPN station having a different camera angle set up on this poor driver. Hey, watch the race on ESPN which features the FIRST BLACK DRIVER TO QUALIFY FOR A NASCAR RACE IN 20 YEARS SINCE WILLY T. RIBBS. If you want to be inside the car with the FIRST BLACK DRIVER TO QUALIFY FOR A NASCAR RACE IN 20 YEARS WILLY T. RIBBS, switch over to ESPN 2. If you want to see Bill Lester’s wife in the stands during this race, switch on over to ESPN U; did you know that Lester is the FIRST BLACK DRIVER TO QUALIFY FOR A NASCAR RACE IN 20 YEARS SINCE WILLY T. RIBBS? And if you want to see a special presentation of former racecar driver Willy T. Ribbs, switch over to ESPN Classic Say, did you know that Bill Lester is driving today? Yeah, he’s the FIRST BLACK DRIVER TO QUALIFY FOR A NASCAR RACE IN 20 YEARS SINCE WILLY T. RIBBS.

And while we’re at it – where are all the NFL white cornerbacks? Surely there are some people of my race that can blanket a wide receiver in man-to-man coverage.

Great, now they brought up how NBA attendance is down and if it is due to today’s THUG BALLERZ that the white ticket buyers don’t want to see. Also, is the newly installed NBA dress code RACIST as well? Oh, no. Stephen A. Smith is on the Sports Reporters, as well as Dan LebaRetard and Mitch Album? What in the hell happened to this show that I used to watch when I was a kid? I have to turn this shit off, now.

Owens Off TO Dallas

So the Dallas Cowboys are going to take a chance on T.O. – man is this going to be a fun year. Also, the Miami Dolphins gave up a second-round pick to acquire Daunte Culpepper from the Minnesota Vikings. Personally, I think it was a good move on the Dolphins part. Even though Culpepper has been inconsistent at times and suffered a season-ending injury last year, a second-round pick seems like a reasonable gamble for a quarterback that has shown to be of MVP-caliber in the past.

These Two Comedies Are As Good As They Get — For Different Reasons

Today was movie day for me, considering I am in the midst of battling a cold given to me a few days ago by the better half. Now laying around doing nothing is usually par for the course on a Saturday, but because I am sick I now have an excuse. The first movie I popped in was one of my favorite “spoof” movies of all time. Now many people will associate Shawn and Marlon Waynes with “Scary Movie,” but before they hit it big with that, they did a similar feature that was, in my opinion, much better. Titled, “Don’t Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood,” this 1996 gem goofed on a number of “life in the ghetto” movies. If you’re a fan of “ghetto” movies, or you thought “Scary Movie” was funny, see “Don’t Be A Menace” now.

The second part of this double feature was another comedy, “As Good As It Gets.” This is one of my favorite comedies, although it is a bit on the long side for me. However, this movie has some of my favorite movie lines, such as “People who talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch,” “I got JEWS at my table” and the following exchange:

“How do you write women so well?”

“I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.”

Dungeons And Child Rapists

Some guy in South Carolina who recently kidnapped and raped two teen-age girls in a ready-made “dungeon” (all allegedly, of course) was finally caught. And what a surprise, he has been convicted of sexual assault before (this victim was 12 years old) and only spent nine years in jail for the crime. I guess it could have been worse; he could have been in Vermont and only needed to spend a weekend in counseling. I was watching cable news this morning and heard that the judge who issued this “harsh” sentence blamed prosecutors for not building a better case the first time he was caught raping – nice spin, asshole. I wonder if Bill O’Reilly is going to go after the red diaper doper baby judge who locked this guy up with a light the first time? I certainly hope so; it’s fun to watch these bitches get called on their bullshit judgments.

Bootstrap Libs

Last night I caught the end of a Hannity & Colmes segment where Sean was yelling at some hippie bowtie-wearing politician from Oregon. Although I normally skip past these exchanges because they are nothing more than “Why do you hate our country and not support our troops?” sound bites, this liberal putz actually said something that made me keep this channel on for longer than a few seconds. He was complaining about how it was time for U.S. troops to leave Iraq and that this country’s people need to be more self-reliant. Woah, I think this is the first time I’ve heard a lib say that some person/group needs to stop being coddled and pull themselves up from their bootstraps. Now all I need to hear is how Republicans are for small government and fiscal responsibility.

Respect To Russ

I must say that even though Russ Feingold does not believe in the First Amendment (campaign-finance reform), made an ass out of himself with that recent hippie call for censuring George W. Bush, and would make me go on medication if he was ever elected president, there is something I will always give him props for. Even though he voted against the Iraq war, when it came time to fund the war, he voted for that $80 billion that John Kerry famously voted for, too, before voting against it. Although I will probably never agree with Feingold on anything, I’d rather have him as a political opponent than some piece of shit like Ted Kennedy, Patrick Leahy or Charles Rangel.

Jess Gets A W(in) From Me With This One

I normally don’t have a problem with pop stars that seem fashionable to hate if you’re not a teenybopper. The Backstreet Boys never cut me off in traffic. Justin Timberlake doesn’t hold up a line at the store by counting change in the express lane. Hanson didn’t cause me to stab my mother 100 times and leave her in a car that had a one-way trip to the bottom of Lake Erie. So whenever the better half complains about how someone can like Jessica Simpson, I just bite my tongue. I’ll never listen to her music, nor have I ever seen an episode of that show her and the ex were on, but I have no reason to hate her, unlike so many other people in this world. And after what she did at a recent fundraising event (or should I say, didn’t do), I think I like her even more. After recently declining a seat at a Republican fundraising event, she said her reason was because she wanted to lobby for her nonprofit foundation that offers free plastic surgery to disadvantaged kids with facial deformities. Attending this GOP fundraiser would have injected politics into her nonprofit, and I can respect that.

Premature Congratulations

Last night I had the NCAA tournament playing, and while it was mostly on for background noise, I was somewhat following the Xavier/Gonzaga game. With a few minutes left, I noticed Xavier was up by six points. One of my old friends from Ohio had went to Xavier and blindly followed his beloved Musketeers. Since the better half got me sick with her cold, along with the fact I wake up at 4:45 a.m. to get ready for work, I decided to go to bed early and I called my friend up to congratulate Xavier on pulling off a first-round upset. Even though I thought Gonzaga would win the game, I had a feeling this match up could result in an upset scare.

After looking up his number from my hotmail account, I called and left a message on his answering machine. When I hung up the phone, I replaced some garbage liners and took out the trash for Friday’s weekly pick up. When I came back inside I walked by the living room television that had the Xavier on; Gonzaga was now up by one.

Oops.

I think subliminally I wanted Xavier to lose and by giving a premature congratulation I cemented the underdog’s fate as being another close-but-no-cigar story.

Brackkketology

Below are my picks for the 2006 NCAA Tourney. My method? There was none. I don’t follow college athletics. My only sources were a few conference tournament games I watched and sports talk radio that mostly bitched about how Shitt guard Carl Krauser is going to go 4-for-30 in the second round.

ATLANTA BRACKET
First Round
Duke/Southern = Duke
George Washington/N.C. Wilmington = George Washington
Syracuse/Texas A&M = Syracuse
LSU/Iona = LSU
West Virginia/Southern Illinois = Southern Illinois
Iowa/Northwestern State = Iowa
California/N.C. State = California
Texas/Pennsylvania = Texas

Second Round
Duke/George Washingon = Duke
Syracuse/LSU = Syracuse
Southern Illinois/Iowa = Iowa
California/Texas = Texas

Third Round
Duke/Syracuse = Duke
Iowa/Texas = Texas

Fourth Round
Duke/Texas = Duke

OAKLAND BRACKET
First Round
Memphis/Oral Roberts = Memphis
Arkansas/Bucknell = Bucknell
Shittsburgh/Kent State = Shittsburgh
Kansas/Bradley = Kansas
Indiana/San Diego State = Indiana
Gonzaga/Xavier = Gonzaga
Marquette/Alabama = Alabama
UCLA/Belmont = UCLA

Second Round
Memphis/Bucknell = Memphis
Shittsburgh/Kansas = Kansas
Indiana/Gonzaga = Gonzaga
Alabama/UCLA = UCLA

Third Round
Memphis/Kansas = Kansas
Gonzaga/UCLA = UCLA

Fourth Round
Kansas/UCLA = UCLA

WASHINGTON DC BRACKET
First Round
Connecticut/Albany = Connecticut
Kentucky/UAB = Kentucky
Washington/Utah State = Washington State
Illinois/Air Force = Illinois
Michigan State/George Mason = Michigan State
North Carolina/Murray State = North Carolina
Wichita State/Seton Hall = Seton Hall
Tennessee/Winthrop = Tennessee

Second Round
Connecticut/Kentucky = Connecticut
Washington/Illinois = Illinois
Michigan State/North Carolina = North Carolina
Seton Hall/Tennessee = Seton Hall

Third Round
Connecticut/Illinois = Connecticut
North Carolina/Seton Hall = North Carolina

Fourth Round
Connecticut/North Carolina = Connecticut

MINNEAPOLIS BRACKET
First Round
Villanova/Monmouth = Villanova
Arizona/Wisconsin = Wisconsin
Nevada/Montana = Nevada
Boston College/Pacific = Boston College
Oklahoma/Wisconsin-Milwaukee = Wisconsin-Milwaukee
Florida/South Alabama = Florida
Georgetown/Northern Iowa = Georgetown
Ohio State/Davidson = Ohio State

Second Round
Villanova/Wisconsin = Villanova
Nevada/Boston College = Boston College
Wisconsin-Milwaukee/Florida = Wisconsin-Milwaukee
Georgetown/Ohio State = Georgetown

Third Round
Villanova/Boston College = Boston College
Wisconsin Milwaukee/Georgetown = Georgetown

Fourth Round
Boston College/Georgetown = Boston College

FINAL FOUR
Duke/UCLA = Duke
Connecticut/Boston College = Boston College

NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP
Duke/Boston College = Boston College

A Bigg’s Problem With A Little Divider

Since there was some talk about southwestern Ohio grocery stores in yesterday’s entry, I figure now would be a good time to talk about why I can’t stand Bigg’s. Well, it’s not really a good time, but I’m feeling too lazy to talk about much else.

For those that don’t know, Bigg’s is kinda like Wal-Mart, only not yet ready to take over the world. At the job I worked at in Ohio, many times I trekked over to the nearby Bigg’s and bought some grub during my lunch break. I did this for several reasons. 1) It was a nice little walk, and I needed to stretch my legs after sitting down for a 4-hour work interval. Oh who am I kidding – I spent most of the time goofing off, but it was a nice walk nevertheless. 2) Going to a grocery/retail store instead of heading toward Wendy’s or Burger King gives you a wider, and healthier, selection of food to choose from. 3) These lunches were cheaper, and more filling, than a value meal. The only problem with going to Bigg’s several times a week was that most of the cashiers who worked there were full-timers, so I saw them just about everyday. This got annoying because many of them got on my nerves. However, I usually just zoned out during my transactions and tried to avoid the retarded chitchat many customer service representatives try to engage you in.

One day I had a friend with me who wanted to try out the “kkk lunch run;” we got a few items each and headed to a checkout lane. Now at every checkout lane there are these rubber sticks that are used as dividers in-between the orders of different customers. I call them the “Great Dividers.” Now, I use these things just like any other reasonable person would, however, on this day I didn’t. You see, the customer in front of me had his order rung up by the cashier, and as my friend and I approached the register there was nothing on this conveyer belt. I put my apple and a few other munchies on this belt and turned to say something to my companion. When I turned back, the cashier was weighing my apple as the customer in front of me just stood there. When I let the cashier know that apple was mine, she said “Well why didn’t you use the divider?” Because, bitch, I thought I’d be insulting your intelligence by using the Great Divider when there WAS NOTHING ELSE ON THE FUCKING CONVEYOR BELT.

I can’t remember what I said back to her, but it wasn’t offensive (if it was, then I would have remembered it verbatim). However, the encounter must have been tense enough for the person I was with because she took the Great Divider and separated her 2-3 items from my several things, which were on the other side of the conveyor belt next to the scanning device. The cashier then said something that made me laugh out loud. She picked up the Great Divider, pointed to my traveling mate’s stuff and snapped, “Are these yours?”

Well of course, bitch. Don’t you see the Great Divider?

I was only in Ohio for a few months after this encounter, but whenever I went to that Bigg’s I made it a point to always use the Great Divider every time I went into a checkout line. It was gratifying to go to the aforementioned bitch’s lane and whip out the Great Divider when I went to pay for my bagel, beverage and fruit, especially so if the person in front of me already had his or items items scanned and there was nothing else on the conveyor belt. Hey bitch, don’t question the power of the Great Divider.

I wish I could say this was the only time I had trouble with cashiers in the southwest Ohio region, but sadly it wasn’t. There was also the time I told a bag boy to get cancer, but that’s another story for another time.

Targeting Crappy Grocery Stores

You know what pisses me off? When certain businesses that do nothing to improve their product over the years suddenly blame the Wal-Marts and Targets of the world for their misery. In my area there are three “major” grocery store chains: Foodland, Shop ‘n Save and Giant Eagle. My local Giant Eagle store is so much better in terms of price, cleanliness and variety of products than a nearby Shop ‘n Save. I shopped at the latter a few times and vowed never to return. (I don’t have a Foodland within a short driving distance from my house, so they’re out of this story.)

Now that my community is starting to grow, and bigger retail chains have begun to set up shop. Earlier this month a Target opened up next to Giant Eagle, and there has been a local controversy with a Mega-Wal-Mart trying to get built in the same area. After some legal battles, the Wal-Mart has been approved and will probably begin construction sometime in the near future. Because of this Wal-Mart being built, the Shop ‘n Save store has announced it will be closing at the end of April. Representatives from the store have cited the upcoming Wal-Mart as the main reason why they are folding up their tent.

Good.

Fuck you Shop ‘n Save. You aren’t being run out because of big, bad Wal-Mart. You’re being run out because your prices suck, your brand selection leaves something to be desired, and you have made no attempts to upgrade over the years. Giant Eagle has acknowledged the competition and is meeting it head on. The store has lowered prices on a number of items and has introduced a “personal shopper” program. I’ve talked about this system before, but for those that haven’t heard me describe it here we go.

You have to be a Giant Eagle “advantage card” member, and what you do is scan your card at this machine and pick up a scanning device. Basically what you do is ring up and bag your order as you go. I have said before that although you spend more time shopping due to scanning and putting stuff in your grocery bags, I love this system for a number of reasons. 1) You get to see how much your running tab is as you shop. 2) You can bag items that you normally store together; this saves a lot of time at home unpacking. 3) You don’t have to wait in line, and you don’t have to hear the cashiers complain to each other about how much longer their shift is.

Another thing Giant Eagle has introduced in the last year or so is a line of convenience stores. For every $50 you spend in groceries, you get 10 cents off a gallon of gasoline on an upcoming fuel purchase. Is there a huge savings? Not really. But every couple of months, it’s nice to get $1 off per gallon of gas when filling up at one of these “Get-Go” stations.

Will this Giant Eagle survive with the increased competition from Target and Wal-Mart? I hope so. I don’t hate Wal-Mart, and I do some shopping there, but I don’t shop for groceries. I think one of the reasons I refuse to is because I don’t want to wait in line for an hour just to buy food and other products that I can’t get at a grocery store. As for Shop ‘n Save (and I’m sure Foodland will go under, too, considering those stores are worse than Shop ‘n Save), good-bye and good riddance.

March Madness: Who Should Be In/Out?

Well, the March Madness brackets have been devised, and now it’s time to bitch about all the teams that didn’t make it into the field of 65. I don’t follow college basketball, so I have no idea who got hosed and who did not, however, the one team that made me go “wha-?” was Air Force; how’d they make it in?

This brings up an interesting argument about which teams should be allowed in. Do teams from conferences like the Big East and ACC that have mediocre records get the last few spots, or should teams from the Never-Heard-Of-It Conference get a bid for going 29-5 against universities that you didn’t know existed? I can see the argument from both sides. After all, take the fighting Colonials of Widget State Tech University, put them in the Big 10 and watch them get slaughtered. However, I say let these 15- and 16-seeded teams play. After all, schools like Maryland will surely make it back to the NCAA Tournament in a year or so, but how often will many of these school get the chance to be considered for the greatest tournament in all the land?

If Maryland made the postseason and lost in the first round, the fans and players would just go “eh” and move on. But a school like Southern U, who will undoubtedly get crushed by Duke in the first round, will look back at their tournament experience and revel in it. Players will talk about when they kept Duke’s lead to single digits, or if they held JJ Redick to under 40 points. If some of the bigger schools whine about not getting in the tournament, then they should have won a few more games. This isn’t Division One Football, where one loss puts a team out of so-called “National Championship” contention.