Not Even God Can Make You Dodge Your Way Out Of This

So after reading this…

Police said a man who smashed a window at a car dealership claimed he was following a higher calling. Police said a 36-year-old man was collared by a security guard at Freedom Dodge before he could get inside the showroom. WLEX-TV reported the man told the guard that God wanted him to steal a Dodge Charger.

…I guess God also wanted the security guard to nab this hoodlum. God can have a wicked sense of humor when s/he feels like it.

Friend Removal In More Ways Than One

So I am quoting a line from the better half’s (now “ex”) friend’s e-mail from this morning:

“I cannot believe you would do this to me, your GODCHILD and my husband.”

And what was the egregious infraction?

Mrs. kkk removing this person from her friends list.

Man this Facebook stuff is some serious business. (For the record, this is the person who the better half was a bridesmaid for at the Wedding o’ Fun a few months ago.

Old Political Bumper Signs Stick With Me

Attention all Blue-Staters: this morning on the drive in to work I saw three more Kerry/Edwards bumper stickers on the backs of vehicles.

It’s been 5 years.

It’s not even that good a design.

Sport your little O’s and be happy.

(For the record, W’s was worse, so this isn’t a partisan thing.)

Needing Aid In Bandage Removal

I know that it hurts less to remove a band-aid with one quick yank but why do I still insist on pulling off these things bit-by-bit? Oh, I remember why.

I’m an idiot.

Fasting Is A Lot Of Bloodwork

So at around 1 pm today I remembered that the fasting for today’s bloodwork began at noon. Here’s hoping the Quaker Valley Chocolate Chunk bar consumed mid-morning has some serious lasting power.

There’s nothing wrong with me. The better half and I got life insurance policies and the eeeeeeevil insurance company needs our blood to see if we’ll last through the 20-year-term policies. So if I suddenly stop posting you’ll know Mrs. kkk cashed that phat paycheck by putting a banana peel by the top of the steps.

Never Going Astray When Rescuing Kitties

So there’s a local story DEVELOPING~! about some white trash in Bellevue with a bunch of dead cats in their basement.

Ten dead cats were found behind a locked basement door in a house in Pittsburgh’s Carrick neighborhood, but the former homeowner said he didn’t leave that many behind when he moved out.

Rather than make another comment about the underclass and the need for forced sterilization, I want to recall a line said by my mother-in-law after we took in another stray (can’t remember which one): “You two can’t save every one out… there.” We don’t (and won’t) try to save every one — just those that show up at our front door.

Am I Social? That’s A Stretch

So I was asked for the third time in a month by a stranger at a grocery store if I could get something for them on the top shelf. No idea what this means, other than the fact I am 6’0″ (or 6’1″, depending on the day). Maybe I should ask short people if they could get items for me from the bottom shelf. But then again I guess that what oafs like me are for.

Funny thing is earlier that evening the better half was going on about how unsocial I was with the PetSmart cashier. (OK, so it was with PetSmart cashiers and people in general.) I don’t like talking to cashiers. When I worked these jobs I didn’t talk to the customer; I don’t want cashiers talking to me. Just ring up my shit and let me be on my way.

It’s The End Of The World As The History Channel Knows It

So the better half was watching one of those stupid “Could this be the end of the world?” shows on the History Channel. Good God how can anyone watch this crap? It was one of those shows with the storyline: COULD THE APOCOLYPSE BE UPON US? LET’S LOOK AT THE SIGNS!

What were the signs? “The troubled times we live in…” Like every other generation pranced around in chocolate rivers with gumdrop smiles. Then again they may have a point about a Muslim rising to power in the West … OK, so the show didn’t mention that last part.

One thing they did talk about was the Anti-Christ and people trying to figure out who this bad person would be. I’m a heathen and all so I may be wrong on this, but I thought were were not supposed to know who the Anti-Christ is going to be? So if I call someone the Anti-Christ, doesn’t that automatically rule them out? OK now I’ve gone cross-eyed.

Three Rivers, One Show

So there’s this new show on called “Three Rivers.” It’s based in Shittsburgh and it’s about doctors transplanting organs, or at least that’s what the commercials tell me. Well the better half started watching this show. Here’s a conversation we had during this show when I walked through the living room. You can figure out who’s who.

“What are you watching?”

“This show called ‘Three Rivers.'”

“Why?”

“It’s based in Pittsburgh. Someone from the Hill District was just in a drive-by shooting.”

“This is supposed to be fiction, right?”

Nothing like some local humor that 99 percent of the audience won’t get.

Quality Football For A Quality Stadium

So Arnold wants to build a football stadium in Los Angeles.

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger (R) signed a bill permitting the construction of a stadium that would house an NFL team in the Los Angeles area.

I couldn’t find the article online, but there was another story that contained the following quote: “Many residents hope to see quality professional football played in LA in the next couple of years…”

One team that’s to be courted: the Raiders (again).

“Quality professional football,” you say?

Are You A Student That Commutes, Drinks Water And Needs A Hospital Visit? Open Up Your Wallet

So Pittsburgh’s mayor Boy Luke wants to tax college students, all-day Downtown parkers, hospital patients and water customers.

Pittsburgh residents could face a few new taxes that Mayor Luke Ravenstahl is currently considering.

Parking, hospital stays, going to a university or trade school and even turning on the water. These are all ideas Ravenstahl has considered imposing taxes on to make payments on an $800 million pension plan deficit. Bill Peduto, chairman of city council’s finance committee, complained that the mayor has a mystery tax plan.

“I find it convenient the detail of what taxes are going to be raised,” said Peduto. “The public won’t really know until after election day.”

The tax hike plan includes what Peduto called a penalty for people who park all day in downtown Pittsburgh, and a tax on water.

A tax on tuition doesn’t sit well with some local college students.

“I don’t think students should be paying any more money than they already are,” said Pitt student Amanda Juretic, who pays for her tuition.

Or in other words: reasons #4580, 4581, 4582 and 4583 why I love living in Westmoreland County. That’ll teach someone to get sick in Stillers country.

Actually, I’m surprised he isn’t just slapping evil commuters with another occupational privilege tax increase. After all, why tax your voters when you can go after evvvvvvvvvvvvvvil commuters. The city has an easy way to increase this stupid tax. A few years ago, due to the whining of people who said they couldn’t afford having $52 dollars taken out of their paycheck every January, the State now just takes out this tax at a rate of $1 per week. This of course means whenever Shittsburgh would want to increase it all they have to say is, “Come on, it’s only $1.25/$1.50/$2 per week,” (etc.)

City Of Sisterly Hate

So I am now second-guessing having the better half watch any Philadelphia-related sporting events. Her hatred of the City of Brotherly Love is more than evident whenever McNabb gets sacked or whenever the other team scores a touchdown. At first it was amusing, but now it’s getting downright scary. As she said yesterday after hooting and hollering from a McNabb sack, “Every time they hit McNabb, it’s like they are taking down Fat Ass (Ed Rendell) as well.”

I’ll never forget last year’s NFC Championship game; she was practically foaming at the all throughout the first half (she is a HUGE Kurt Warner fan, too). Now while she’s also cheering any team facing the Philles in the postseason, at least with football I don’t have to explain to her that substituting a pinch-runner is not considered cheating. Although I don’t think she will ever understand the concept of a safety (the two points, not the position).

Baseball In October/November Isn’t Cool

Consider me now on the MLB-needs-to-start-the-playoffs-sooner bandwagon. You shouldn’t have postseason near-wintry weather conditions for a game that takes place during the summer. If this was football, cold-weather conditions should play a factor with a California team visiting a New York team. However, it’s not the same with baseball.

Shorten the season. Or have more double-headers. I don’t care.

FibHis And FibHer

So earlier today I realized that the kkk household has “His” and “Her” fiber bars. FiberPlus for the “His.” FiberOne for the “Her.” I’m now thinking about my Tabasco sauce entry and considering just pouring the whole bottle into both eyes, with or without the contact lenses still in.

Niagara Fails With This Ad

So I was driving home from work tonight and saw a billboard for First Niagara Bank, which is now setting up shop in my neck of the woods. When PNC Bank bought National City, PNC had to sell some of the National City branches to promote competition or some shit. Enter First Niagara. Whatever. I hate PNC, and I liked National City. Not sure if I feel like moving my money out of PNC — again. God I’m lazy.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. First Niagara’s billboard.

The billboard was a white billboard with the word “Creativity” in large font and something like “You deserve it from your bank” in a smaller font below it. One of the LEAST creative ads I’ve ever seen. Even my idiot ex-boss could do better with his cartoony clip art fetish.

Keeping An Eye On Hot Sauce

So last night I was making dinner and I fiddled with Tabasco sauce.

Oh shit.

I forgot to take out my contacts. I then got to play the game of “let’s wait until the next time I put in my contacts to see if I thoroughly washed my hands before taking out my lenses.”

The last time I played this game I failed. Bad.

Fortunately, the half-dozen squirts of liquid soap before taking out this recent set of contacts seemed to be enough to get the job done. W00t~!

My CD Is ALive

So the other day I went to the used CD store and got one of the million greatest hits albums put out by Kiss. Not hating on the band, but one thing I noted was that this 21-track album features 20 studio tracks and one “live” song. A Judas Priest two-disc album has a similar feature. This makes me wonder why some albums have all studio-recorded songs except for one or two “live” tracks. “Live” albums don’t have pre-recorded songs in the middle of the track list. Well maybe they do and I’m oblivious to the phenomenon. OK now I’m thinking way too much about this than I intended…

Catholic Guilt Makes Me Sick

So The better half, who may have to call off a whopping two consecutive days of work, just said, “I feel so guilty. I never get sick and now I’ve been sick TWO TIMES in the past SEVEN MONTHS.” Man did the Catholic Church ever get its money’s worth with this one.

On a somewhat related note, I always made sure to be sick about 5-6 times per year, depending on how much sick time I got at my ex-job. Each year I received a set amount of “vacation” days and “sick” days. The vacation days had to be used up within the calendar year or else they would be lost forever. The sick days can be “banked” from year to year. I guess if I worked there for 20 years and got cancer, I could take a month or two off work, although I’m sure there was some way this place would fuck you over. Now if you banked all these sick days and decided to quit or got fired, you were able to cash out your sick days at a rate of $20 per day.

What a joke.

Once again, this is why I always managed to get “sick” a few days each year, especially on a Monday or Friday. Weird.

And on another somewhat related note, guess who just posted on her Facebook page the following: “Just turned on the a/c in my office. Maybe my hubby was right and I should have stayed home today…”

Because Of 1492 I Can Easily Commute The Ocean Blue

God I love Imperialist’s Day. Not because it celebrates Columbus and the beginning of the end for North America’s native peoples, but rather because with so many people off of work my morning/afternoon commutes are great.

Forget about this multi-cultural crap. I want to celebrate more New World genocide conductors.

ESPN Not My Sports Center Anymore

So I’m just one week into my diet and I’m doing pretty good so far.

But instead of counting calories and lifting weights, this diet involves my TV viewing habits.

A few weeks ago I simply had it with SportsCenter. I’m not sure if there was one definitive moment; it was more like a “why am I watching this crap?” moment. I hate the SportsCenter anchors and the PC garbage they broadcast. I Still DVR Jim Rome/ATH and PTI, though, but those are opinion shows. Plus I get to fast-forward through all the Noo-Yawk/Boston/Tim Tebow subjects and interviews.

What am I doing to get my highlight fix? I’ve been watching NFL/MLB/NHL/NBA network programming for news and scores. Well, actually, it’s mostly the NFL and NHL networks, but that might change when winter comes along.

But with every good diet, you must take everything into moderation. In addition to the above-mentioned ESPN programs I still watch, I Still tune into College Gameday. As for what I miss about SportsCenter, I do miss Lou Holtz, but nobody said this was going to be easy.

Pittsburgh “In,” Not “At,” Detroit

Holy cow, I didn’t know the Steelers were playing nine regular-season home games. I wonder if the Rooneys are getting a cut of the stadium gate, considering about half of the fans at Ford Field are wearing black and gold.

Tebow This And Tebow That

Good God. Are the CBS commentators going to comment on EVERY acton Tim Tebow makes tonight? If a hard sneeze could re-scramble his noggin then he shouldn’t be out there.

Halloween 3D-umb

So this evening I was at a local big-box retailer and saw quite the Halloween DVD Three-Pack:

Curse of Michael Myers
H2O
Resurrection.

How this sought-after piece of commerce is managing to stay on the shelves is beyond me.

The Better Half’s C-Cup Runneth Over

So the better half came back from getting her bridesmaid dress fitted, or whatever it is they do at these stores. The following conversation took place. You can figure out who’s who.

“They said I can’t wear cups with my dress! Do you know what the excuse was?”

“Your tits are too big.”

“How’d you know?”

“Why do you think I’m with you?”

Well, at least this isn’t going to be like the last wedding she was a bridesmaid for. This one is coming up later this month, and it’s her best friend’s wedding. The guy she’s marrying is a schmuck, but whatever. It’s not my life. Did I comment on this guy before? *Runs search on KK’s Korner.* Nope. Meh. You’re not missing much. The better half and I went to see some stupid musical that his one friend was in. We were then supposed to go out to dinner afterward. He took his woman and went to his friend’s house, a place in which his woman didn’t want to go to. Of course, his woman (aka Mrs. kkk’s best friend) loves being around controlling/abusive/psychotic men, so of course she did nothing. And that was that. I can safely say that there will be no more “double dates” with that duo ever again. For that matter, I doubt I’ll ever say another thing to him.

Anyway, last Saturday the bachelorette party was a Larry the Cable Guy concert. Much to my surprise, the snooty bitch of the bridal party didn’t like Larry’s act. Never saw that one coming. IT’S LARRY THE CABLE GUY. Now here’s what I don’t get. Said snooty bitch and another person who was at this event got pissy because the bride-to-be didn’t want to go to a bar/strip club afterward. I never understood why certain people in these groups want to do what they want to do rather than the wishes of the person who’s supposed to be at the center of attention.

To further prove this point, Mrs. kkk’s “bachelorette party” only had two of her bridesmaids with her. The others didn’t go because the better half didn’t want to go to a bar. And for the record, I didn’t have a “bachelor party.” Reason One: all but one of my groomsmen were from out of state. Reason Two: I didn’t want one. What’s the big deal? At the time I was with Mrs. kkk for 8 years. Go out to a strip club? N*gga plz. I spend enough money with just one woman.

Where the hell was I going with this?

I Have To Sort This Issue Out

So today my assistant took note of my filing system at work. I have a lot of files. I look into them often. I don’t bother with putting them in order by day. The following conversation took place. You can figure out who is who:

“Where’s *name of file*?”

“It’s somewhere in the October 2009 section.”

“How am I supposed to find it?”

“It’s there.”

“How do you find anything?”

“They’re divided up by month. It’s close enough.”

God I’m a mess.

This Pain In The Ass Has A Pain In The Head

So I hear people talk about getting migraines. I’ve always wondered what one felt like. I think I experienced it last night. Good God.

I’ve had bad headaches in the past, and I just figured they were bad headaches. But this one kicked my ass. Profuse sweating. Feeling the need to vomit (didn’t do so) and an aversion to light (although I did wake up at midnight, so maybe my flinching was due to the sudden brightness). I just thank Christ that when I woke up this morning it was gone. The worst feeling is when you go to bed with a headache and you wake up with the same head pain. Ugh.

Dateline: Somewhere Near Me?

Here’s a game I like to play when perusing the wires. If there’s a messed up story that indicates it took place in Pennsylvania, I try to guess where it took place.

Here’s the headline: Police: Pa. woman put stolen check in church plate

Did this take place in my redneck of the woods?

Police said a woman put a forged $50 check in a church offering plate and stole a woman’s wallet from a pew in the same western Pennsylvania church. Police Chief Charles Van Fossan said Tuesday that police were still searching for a 20-year-old woman. She allegedly committed the crimes at First Presbyterian Church on Sunday.

Police said the offering check was from a previously stolen checkbook.

The woman used a credit card from the stolen wallet to buy about $200 worth of merchandise from a dollar store and a convenience store. Police said the woman also tried to use a credit card stolen from another church to get a $16,000 cash advance that a bank refused to issue.

Drumroll please.

New Brighton is about 25 miles northwest of Pittsburgh.

Not quite but close enough.

Erin Andrews (Alleged) Peeper Caught Rosy-Palmed

Woo-hoo. Here’s another story about that Erin Andrews nude tape. That means my hit count is going to quadruple with people searching for the “visual evidence” in this case.

A man accused of taping surreptitious nude videos of ESPN reporter Erin Andrews while she was alone in hotel rooms appeared in federal court Saturday and was ordered returned to California.

Michael David Barrett made an initial appearance before U.S. Magistrate Judge Arlander Keys, who ordered him returned to Los Angeles, where charges against him were filed. Keys set another hearing for Monday to determine if Barrett will be freed on bond to return or must go in custody.

Barrett, 48, was arrested Friday night at O’Hare airport as he arrived from Buffalo, N.Y., the FBI said. He faces federal charges of interstate stalking for taking the videos, trying to sell them to celebrity Web site TMZ and posting the videos online, the FBI said.

Some blahblahblah then follows, but here was my second-favorite part:

Asked how Barrett had gotten interested in Andrews if the allegations are true…

Gee, I wonder why he got “interested in Andrews. Does he have cable televison? Does he have a penis?

Now here’s my favorite part of the article:

FBI agents said seven of the eight videos posted online were taken through a modified door peephole while Andrews was alone and undressed in hotel rooms in Nashville, Tenn., in September 2008.

Agents said they believe Barrett called many hotels to find out where Andrews was staying and requested a hotel room next to hers. Investigators said the eighth video was likely taken at another hotel, which Andrews couldn’t identify.

I wonder if hotel employees get this type of shit all the time whenever celebrities are going to be in a city for an event/taping/etc. My God that must be one creepy phone conversation.

If You’re Dying Of Boredom, Don’t Call Your Mummy

So earlier tonight I was channel surfing between about a dozen sporting events and my Comcast channel menu informed me that “Mummy/Emperor Tomb” (The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor) was currently playing on HBO. And what was the name of the HBO program following this movie?

“Bored to Death.”

You aren’t kidding. One of these days I’m going to go off on this piece of shit, but not tonight.

A Grande Win For Rio

The 2016 Olympics in Rio with the games played on the sand?

It took beating three other cities before getting to the promised land.

Now the Summer Games will be making an appearance at your shore.

Oh Rio Rio in seven years I’ll pretend to care more.

Rio de Janeiro has won the race to host the 2016 Olympics, beating Madrid in the final round of voting.

Wow, that was bad. Even for me.

I could go on some LOLPRESIDENTHUSSEINSUCKS spiel, but in all seriousness I was pulling for Rio out of the four bidding cities once I heard what places were in contention. I think it’s cool that the Summer Games will be in South America for the first time. I still won’t give a shit about the actual Olympic games, but whatever.

Hey, when South Korea and Japan hosted the 2002 World Cup, I enjoyed the viewing experience. Then again, when it comes to the World Cup, I actually watch that sport — even though I have no idea who’s actually playing on the field.

Top KK’s Korner Searches For 10/1/09

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

the girl with no belly button
female bellybutton fingering
girls deep belly button

Not-So-Sweet Study Results

Who comes up with this shit? Seriously.

Willy Wonka would be horrified. Children who eat too much candy may be more likely to be arrested for violent behaviour as adults, new research suggests.

British experts studied more than 17,000 children born in 1970 for about four decades. Of the children who ate candies or chocolates daily at age 10, 69 per cent were later arrested for a violent offence by the age of 34. Of those who didn’t have any violent clashes, 42 per cent ate sweets daily.

The study was published in the October issue of the British Journal of Psychiatry. It was paid for by Britain’s Economic and Social Research Council.

Story Topic Paved The Way For This Lead

It’s just a crappy local article about road construction, but damn did this lead make me laugh.

North Huntingdon’s summer road program is getting under way in autumn.

Singing A Sad Tune About Cuba Cancellation

And just how long has this embargo thing been going on with that commie island down south?

The New York Philharmonic said Thursday it was indefinitely postponing concerts planned in the Cuban capital Havana because of the US embargo on the communist-ruled island.

Concerts had been penciled in for October 30 to November 2.

However, the plan was shelved “due to existing US government restrictions on travel to Cuba which would affect project funders and supporters, without whose financial support the trip is not possible,” the orchestra said in a statement.