The Final Countdown — 89

Just made another mortgage payment tonight that included several thousand in extra principal.

The countdown is now at $89k.

I’m taking this mortgage re-payment every time I hack off another $10k. Guess I like seeing the number to the left go down by one. My goal is to get at $85k by year’s end. It’s possible, but unlikely. I’ll have to see what Black Friday brings. Additionally, with now having to save up for a new central air unit, that’s going to take a chunk out of the budget each month.

Even if I don’t get down to $85 I’ll be content.

Throwing This Manager A Curve

Do I even need to comment on this?

The Pittsburgh Pirates have fired Matt Walbeck, who was chosen as the Eastern League manager of the year while leading the Altoona Curve to the Double-A league’s championship.

Walbeck, 40, has been chosen as his league’s manager of the year four times in six seasons. Altoona had an 82-60 record this season.

The Pirates offered no explanation for the move, but they have disciplined or fired other minor league employees in the past for not following the organization’s strictly enforced format for developing and instructing players.

Walbeck was told there was no other job for him in the Pirates’ organization. He has talked of wanting to manage above the Double-A level.

Here is another more detailed story. I love this quote.

“Kyle just told me that, hey, you’re driven, you have aspirations, you have goals, and we feel it’s best for your development and growth to move on,” Walbeck recalled.

Funny. This is what the Pirates also say to the players they are about to trade every July.

Dude, this is the best thing for you. Go somewhere else and get with a real team.

Motor City Show

So there’s this new show called, “Detroit 187.”

Why the redundancy?

Dueling Economists

Wow.

Hate to admit it, but Keynes had the tighter flow. Guy’s a busta, but I gots to keep it real.

kkk’s Rule Of Life #30

Any politician that wants me to publicly represent his/her campaign will never get my vote.

Down With The King

You know, I defended LeBron for the most part over the years. The only thing I didn’t like about him was acting a fool when his team was winning only to run off when ousted in the playoffs.

Now? Fuck him.

LeBron James and his manager claim that race played a role in negative news coverage of his decision to leave the Cleveland Cavaliers for the Miami Heat in July.

Sure one could say race played “a role;” that role could be tiny, but that’s a cop-out.

James, the two-time reigning NBA Most Valuable Player, and manager Maverick Carter told CNN that they felt the fact James is black played a part in criticism of “The Decision”, an ESPN special where he revealed his choice.

“I think so at times,” James said when asked if race played a role. “It’s always, you know, a race factor.”

So now if the Heat lose in the playoffs and people cheer, I guess race will be a factor in that behavior as well. Ass.

We Already Had The AFL Once Already

Bwahahahahahaha. Does Richard Trumka really think Roger Goodell is an idiot?

The president of the AFL-CIO is offering to mediate the NFL’s labor negotiations.

Oh, and then there’s this.

The league has a very basic problem with that: The head of the NFL Players Association sits on the executive council of the AFL-CIO, a labor union federation.

Parent Gets Failing Grade At School Relations

On the bright side, at least this shitdick never considering home-schooling an option.

A Butler County father was charged Tuesday after police said he threatened to blow up his child’s school and kill the staff.

Unhappy with his son’s performance, James Lee Frank, 49, of West Sunbury, called Dassa McKinney Elementary School and made the threats, police said.

Officials immediately placed the Hooker Road school on lockdown and notified state police.

Police said Frank drove to the school and unsuccessfully tried to enter through a front and side door. Frustrated, Frank then ripped a two-way communication system off the building and left, police said.

According to the criminal complaint, police found knives on the front seat of the car.

Police said Frank told them he was upset with his child’s performance and wanted to withdraw the student from a certain class.

Channel 11 News spoke to a parent whose daughter attends the school.

“I seen all the state police cars,” said parent Rick Yanssens. “Just said they heard it was lockdown. I didn’t know anything until I seen it on the news.”

The Moniteau School District superintendent said letters were sent out to parents on Wednesday.

Frank is charged with making terroristic threats and threatening to use weapons of mass destruction, among other charges.

This county is right above mine and one over to the left. Represent.

Roar You Sonofabitch

I’ve been on a Sharktopus kick the last few days.

And now the ratings are in…

Syfy’s craptacular “Sharktopus” gobbled 2.5 million viewers Saturday night.

That’s a big number for a Syfy original movie, and represents the best-ever showing by a Saturday night creature feature in September on the network.

It’s not as big as, say, August’s “Lake Placid 3” (3.1 million), but that was Syfy’s most-watched original movie since 2005.

Only bringing up the “Lake Placid” comparison because “Sharktopus” received plenty of advance buzz, and is called “Sharktopus,” and it seemed possible the movie could score an all-time high.

“Lake Placid 3”? Oy.

Here’s another trailer for Sharktopus, and there are two things I have to mention.

1) After reading the viewer comments, I’m glad there’s somebody else out there that thinks the Navy Commander looks like Glenn Beck.

2) If you think the “roaring” that Sharktopus does is dumb, you ain’t heard nothing…

Now be honest. Which one of these two films would you rather see in the theaters?

And guess which one I saw at the cinema as a kid?

Foot-In-Mouth Franken?

So I saw on Drudge’s site that Al Franken committed another “gaffee” while presiding in the Senate.

What was this horrible infraction?

Franken, the most famous member of the Senate freshmen class, has logged dozens of hours as presiding officer of the chamber, a duty often given to new senators to help them learn arcane procedural rules.

Franken suffered another embarrassing moment Wednesday morning when he mistakenly recognized Sen. Tom Udall as the “senator from Utah.”

Udall quickly corrected Franken by noting that he’s from New Mexico.

“Oh, God,” Franken boomed into his microphone. “I’m sorry.”

“The senator from New Mexico,” Franken said, emphasizing “New Mexico” to make up for his mistake.

Really — this is that big a deal?

Hell, I’m sure Strom Thurmond and Robert Byrd in their final years probably didn’t always know what state THEY were representing in the Senate.

Gotta give Al a pass on this one.

Eat ‘n Honk

So today I blared the horn three times on the way to work this morning. A new record~!

I hate people.

The only time I lay on the horn so is when motorists could potentially do harm to me with their vehicle. And when I honk the horn, I honk that mo’ fo’.

What were the reasons for my honking? Does it really matter? Some idiot swerves into my lane without looking. Some assclown turns his empty school bus while I’m in the middle of a turn. Some buttmunch has his ass-end out in my lane instead of actually going into the lane he’s trying to turn into. With all that being said, I was at fault for not waiting my turn at a five-way stop sign. Hey, I pounded my chest and said “my bad.” Actually, I was impressed that the other motorist was assertive enough to take her turn. We both got to the intersection in relatively equal time, but I think she was just there just a second earlier. I went before her because I thought if I didn’t we’d be sitting there for moments on end and cause a bigger clusterfuck. My hats off to you, lady.

When the better half and I were headed home, we stopped at a nearby restaurant. We were seated by these two old people. Everything was fine and dandy, and then the old people began bitching about their food. Oh well, this gives me something to do while waiting for my hot fudge sundae.

What was the problem with the food — Who knows, who cares? Well, actually I was able to hear the manager. Apparently the liver wasn’t seasoned and the steamed vegetables had no taste. And they got to take home a pie as a result. Are you kidding me?

Unless something is way undercooked or burnt, you take a risk with ordering food. If the food isn’t flavorful enough for you, it may be flavorful enough for others. Just don’t order the damn thing again. Well, shortly after this our waitress came over us and asked if everything was OK. I said: “This sundae is terrible. Can I have a pie?”

Mrs. kkk sat there in stunned silence — like she’d be surprised I’d say something like this.

The waitress cracked up.

Old people.

kkk’s Rule Of Life #29

In the hands of a trained professional, the CC field in an email message can be a deadly (and quite entertaining) weapon.

One Of “Those” Entries

So the better half and I got home from work. It seemed like a typical weekday. Then suddenly I heard Mrs. kkk SCREAMING on her cell phone outside. Who was she screaming at? The crack-whore niece-in-law.

Sigh.

We’ve now become one of “those” neighbors.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

There are already two of “those” neighbors on our street. One has some high school/college-age kids who used to scream at each other through the night. They also had some 90-year-old Euro-immigrant that didn’t speak a lick of English doing everything from mowing the yard to REPLACING GUTTERS. Our next-door neighbors who I hate are also “those” neighbors. Many a night screaming or drunken ranting can be heard from that residence.

Now we get to join the clique. Goddamnit. And I tried so hard over the years to not give a shit about anything. Well, not give a shit about anything except becoming on of “those” neighbors.

What was the reason for Mrs. kkk to be screaming at the crack-whore niece-in-law? Does it really matter at this point? Funny thing is yesterday Mrs. kkk asked me how I manage not to give a damn about anything in this world other than me. What’s the point of trying to pass along this knowledge down when I know it won’t be absorbed? The better half has 30+ years of Catholic Guilt encased in her being; I’m not even going to try to make a dent in this shit. Besides, if I did, that would mean I gave a damn about something other than myself — and the cats.

In Mrs. kkk’s defense, even if she tried to separate herself from stupid family DRAMUH~!, her mother would just pull her back in with daily calls bitching about the family crisis du jour. And since Mrs. kkk isn’t about to blow up that bridge, there’s nothing I can do but zone out and just pay enough attention to her so that I can mention it here.

Ultimately Destructive For Whose Agenda?

“Ultimately destructive.” Did Roger Ailes issue a jihad on my health insurance?

President Hussein has reopened a long-running feud with Fox News Channel, branding the conservative U.S. cable network as “ultimately destructive for the long-term growth” of the United States.

In an interview published Tuesday by Rolling Stone magazine, the Kenyan Koffee Fetcher took specific aim at Fox’s Australian-born chairman and chief executive, accusing Rupert Murdoch of being more concerned about generating profits than promoting an agenda to improve America’s well-being.

Getting your Muslim ass out of the White House seems like a good-enough agenda to me.

“Look, as a marginally-documented president, I swore to uphold the Constitution…

OK, I have to stop here. No way I can continue. I’ll be repeating Hussein nicknames several times over otherwise.

kkk’s Rule Of Life #28

Psycho-this and analyze-that; whatever happened to just plain ol’ crazy?

Serving Up A Batch Of Wins

So Charlie Batch led the Steelers to a win over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and now Pittsburgh is 3-0 to start the season.

Now begins a full week of yinzers calling local radio stations saying Batch should be the starting quarterback after Week 4 when Ben Roethlisberger comes back from suspension.

Great.

Guess This Is What They Mean By “Jumping The Shark”

I’m in the mood for dumb monster movies, which means you’re in the mood for dumb monster movies.

And here’s an extended trailer.

OK, when you’re the leading actress in a “movie” called “Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus,” does it really matter if you’re credited as “Debbie” or “Deborah” Gibson?

Sharktopus Screening

So after watching the riveting “Dinocroc vs. Supergator,” the SyFy channel teased me with…

And of course I fell asleep during the final 30 minutes, so I’ll never know if Sharktopus gets to Eat Eric Roberts.

Oh for God’s sake.

Now I’m just clicking on random YouTube videos. The hell?

This Reptile Matchup Is No Dinocroc

A line from SyFy’s “Dinocroc vs. Supergator” — “Alligators and Crocodiles are mortal enemies.”

They are?

Guess so; what other reason would the characters have to get the beasties together for the epic climax?

And they actually used that line in the trailer. David Carradine, what have you done?

Cleaning Out The Cobwebs

So today was house-cleaning day. Thankfully, the temperature has cooled and I don’t feel like I’m living in a sweatshop. So while I was cleaning away I got to air out the house.

And oddly enough, the room that needed the most airing out was the basement. These are times I’m ever-so-thankful to live in a neighborhood where I can open up the garage door and air out the basement.

I wouldn’t have done this during my time out in Sappy Valley. No way I trust my possessions being left exposed to a bunch of idiot college students.

I wouldn’t have done this during my time in glorious Middletown, Ohio, because, well, just go out to Middletown, Ohio.

But I will do this here. At least I will do this until the city trash make their way out here. Hopefully, this won’t be for a few more generations. I can only hope for sake of my property values.

And another thing: I really need to clean the basement more frequently. I can be such a bleeding-heart at times. I will suck away the cobwebs with no problem, but I don’t want to such up the spiders with the vacuum. I know this is counterproductive because these spiders will just make more webs, but then again these guy earn their keep by snatching up other types of bugs. God I’m a loon. I don’t even squish bugs; I catch and release. I do have my reasons, most of all being I don’t want to clean up the mess made by insect guts splattered across the wall.

No Full-Service Station Out On The Road For Blue-Hairs

See that 90-year-old two gas pump stations away from you?

See how she can’t pick up the pump handle or understand the credit-card machine?

See how she can’t figure out that you need to push the button which says “87”?

Well that lady is out on the same streets that you are driving and chances are her vehicle is bigger than yours. And there’s no gas station attendant to assist her once she’s out on the road…

Something Stinks In DC — And It Ain’t The Pols

Headline: “Stink Bugs About to Overtake Washington, DC on ‘Biblical’ Level”

The Great Bed Bug Epidemic has been widely covered, but now our nation’s capital is under threat from stink bugs. They smell like sweaty feet and are multiplying fast! According to a specialist, “this is going to be biblical.”

And here I thought they were leaving the Nation’s Capitol early this year to go out campaigning.

kkk’s Rule Of Life #27

The true test of a region’s civility is how its motorists react to a flashing red stoplight at a four-way intersection.

J-Town Really Gets My Goat

You know, there are other things roaming around the fine town of Jeannette that I’d be putting ahead of goats in the ol’ complaint box.

Goats are on the loose in a Westmoreland County town.

The four goats were purchased by the owner of a vacant property on Penn Avenue in an effort to keep control of the growing grass.

Neighbors say the goats wander off the property in search of food and water. In fact, they are often seen wandering across train tracks and through the streets of downtown Jeannette. One resident described it as a “petting zoo.”

A group of angry residents even created a Facebook page, which creates a humorous protest against the goats.

Jeannette City Council passed an ordinance on Sept. 8 that prohibits farm animals in the city. Anyone who violates the ordinance will face a fine ranging from $50 to $300.

Meanwhile, Frank Trigona, the owner of the goats, says he takes good care of the animals. He says they always have plenty of food, water and shelter. He also says he has no plans to get rid of them.

You know, this reminds me of a story. Out here in my redneck of the woods, Jeannette is a town or two away from me. Apparently, the kids in the region call their place “J-Town.” Why am I saying this? Well, years ago on the drive home from work, part of which involves going through some of the … not so nice … places of Pittsburgh, there was some graffiti on a wall that read, “J-Town N*gga.” For some reason I found this really really funny.

kkk’s Rule Of Life #26

If you would get offended by someone “liking” your Facebook status update, then maybe you shouldn’t be posting said update in the first place.

A Blockbuster Bankruptcy Announcement

Crap. I hope the Blockbuster near me doesn’t go under. I go there a few times a year to stock up on $4 DVDs when they go on sale.

The once dominant Blockbuster Video filed for bankruptcy Thursday. It’s a sign that the way many Americans are consuming media is rapidly changing. But while that rental chain is struggling, a vending machine company rented out its one billionth movie early in September.

Then again, if the only reason I spend money with this company is when they are liquidating inventory, that might explain why Blockbuster is struggling.

Funny. I remember growing up people bitching about Blockbuster video driving out local video rental businesses. Makes me wonder what’s going to deep-six Netflix and those red DVD rental machines.

Doubling Down On The “Sex Sells” Idea Then And NOW

I admit I don’t exactly follow the actions of the National Organization for Women, but have these feminazis ever complained about PETA using the sexuality of women to promote their causes?

KFC wants folks to watch its backside.

Or, more precisely, the backsides of female college students it’s recruiting to promote its hot new bunless Double Down sandwiches.

Women on college campuses are being paid $500 each to hand out coupons while wearing fitted sweatpants with “Double Down” in large letters across their rear ends.

The promo comes as KFC is in the doldrums domestically. The world’s largest chicken chain’s U.S. same-store sales fell 7% in the second quarter. Nearly all its growth now is in international expansion.

Last week, the chain confessed that more than six in 10 Americans ages 18 to 25 — the chain’s key demographic — couldn’t identify who Colonel Sanders was in the KFC logo.

Now, it’s turning to cute women parading around campus with “Double Down” emblazoned across their fannies.

The nation’s largest women’s group doesn’t like it one bit. “It’s so obnoxious to once again be using women’s bodies to sell fundamentally unhealthy products,” says Terry O’Neill, president of the National Organization for Women. What’s more, she says, KFC has forgotten something important: Women make more than half the decisions about what to eat for dinner.

Let’s see. What’s more “obnoxious” when using women’s bodies?

This…

Or this…

So I guess what NOW is telling us is that it’s OK to use a woman’s … assets … so long as it’s for the cause they deem worthy.

Tickle This, Katy

Uh, OK.

Katy Perry’s cleavage is fine for Russell Brand—not so for Elmo and Sesame Street. The children’s show says it won’t air a taped segment featuring the “California Gurls” singer and Elmo. The pop star—who is known for her risque outfits—wore a gold bustier top as she sang a version of her hit “Hot N Cold.” But some felt it was too revealing for the kid set.

Sesame Street said in a statement Thursday that in light of the “feedback we’ve received” after the bit was aired on YouTube, they won’t include it on the show. While the show said it was still available on YouTube, it had been removed by the official Sesame Street YouTube channel. Other versions on YouTube have generated thousands of hits.

Well, like any bona fide pervert journalist, I have to see this evidence for myself and determine the risque-ness of Mr. Perry’s outfit.

What the hell did I just watch?

It’s been years since I watched “Sesame Street,” so I can’t compare Perry’s wardrobe to other human characters. If the show’s movers-and-shakers thought Perry’s funbags would be a distraction, then so be it. My question is why didn’t anyone from the show nip this in the bud when Perry arrived on the set? OK, so I can see why the male employees wouldn’t have said anything, but still. I also doubt it was Perry’s intention to corrupt the morals of today’s youth. Well, maybe that is her intention, but not with kids who still watch “Sesame Street.”

I have to admit, after hearing the actual Hot ‘n Cold song and previously listening to her California Gurls track, I have to admit I like Perry’s voice. And I have no idea why.

Oh God, I’m that old guy at the club.

Advice To A Younger Me

So earlier this morning I thought to myself what advice my current-day self would have given the me of 15 years ago.

Other than a few job interview tips, I couldn’t think of a single thing at first. Please note I wasn’t including future Super Bowl winners, stocks to buy or anything like that.

After much thought, here’s what I came up with.

1) Be content with the three Star Wars movies you have already seen. Don’t ask for more.

2) I hope you enjoyed your time at the 1992 NLCS. You ain’t going to experience that feeling for quite some time.

3) Even though you’ll find out more gals found you attractive than your initial estimation of 0, you’re still a social retard and don’t even bother.

I went back and forth with Number 3. After all, had I applied myself I probably would have gotten laid a helluva lot more than I actually did. However, knowing me, I still wouldn’t have finished the deal even with nearly a generation’s worth of game in my back pocket. I was always freaked out of knocking up my partner. Uhhhh, hooray for morals?

Actually, this inability to understand the opposite sex had me boiling when I learned years later after my college stint that there were a number of ladies that had an interest in me. In this age of equality why didn’t they make the first move? Probably because they were just as messed up as me. Hooray for being young and dumb. Not sure what my excuse is now.

Idol-Flavored Kisses

This has clusterfuck written all over it.

It’s official: Randy Jackson, Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez are now American Idol judges.

Idol host Ryan Seacrest introduced the new lineup at a press conference Thursday held at the Forum in Los Angeles, where first-round auditions are being held.

Randy was the one holdover from the original panel of judges, which also included Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell.

I’m not an Idol viewer, but the better half is for some ungodly reason. We had a discussion abut this topic today, and here is what I said on the matter.

I have no clue how these judges will work as a team, but my guess is that Tyler and Jackson will be sympathetic while Lopez will play Simon’s role. In other words, Lopez will be the asshole of the group.

Problem is, I think, that people aren’t going to watch Lopez in this role and go, “ahahahaha — I can’t believe she just said that to that poor contestant.” They are going to watch her and go, “What a bitch.”

And while a contestant who tries to pull this off during an audition would never make the light of day on television…

…you just know news of this would get leaked out.

Vietnam Conflict, 2010 Style

Looks like those wascally tea-baggers are at it again with their race-baiting shenanigans.

Won’t those pointy-heads ever learn their place in society?

In an interview with Jorge Ramos, Univision’s anchorman, California congresswoman Loretta Sanchez, who replaced the great “B-1 Bob” Dornan, discusses the tough November election she faces.

At the 2:20 mark she states (and kudos to this blogger for doing the original translation as the interview is in Spanish):

“ … the Vietnamese and the Republicans are — with an intensity — trying to take away this seat, this seat that we [Democrats] have done so much for our community, take away this seat from us and give it to this Van Tran, who’s very anti-immigrant and very anti-Latino.”

Happy Times Were Here Back In July Of 2009

Say, the HUSSEIN RECESSION has been over since last June.

It turns out the HUSSEIN RECESSON ended more than a year ago.

Feeling better now?

The panel that determines the timing of recessions concluded Monday that this one ended — technically, anyway — in June 2009, and lasted 18 months. The duration makes it the longest since World War II.

It may be over, but you won’t be hearing any cheers from the millions of Americans who are struggling to find a job. Or are worried about the ones they have. Or have lost their homes. Or are behind on the mortgage. Blahblahblahblah.

Actually, if this thing ended six months into the Kenyan Koffee Fetcher’s regime, then why did we need that shit sandwich of a stimulus bill?

Sure I can attempt to be intellectually honest and say that jobs are usually the last thing to rebound from a recession. But after hearing about “jobless recoveries” and reading AP articles that cited historic lows in unemployment as “relatively low,” during the previous administration, why bother to be fair and balanced when I can just re-post stuff like this?

Shame it doesn’t include the “Summer of Recovery.”

University Academic Professional Pinhead

There are times when you read something and have a bunch of one-liners and witty comments just waiting to explode from your fingertips. This isn’t one of those times. The following is a letter to the editor regarding a military plane flyover at Saturday’s University of Illinois football game and the chanting of “USA” by some students. Nothing I could add to this can enhance its hilarity.

The vast majority of 9/11 observances in this country cannot be seen as politically neutral events. Implicit in their nature are the notions that lives lost at the World Trade Center are more valuable than lives lost in Afghanistan, Iraq, Palestine and elsewhere; that the motives of the 9/11 attackers had nothing to do with genuine grievances in the Islamic world regarding American imperialism; and that the U.S. has been justified in the subsequent killing of hundreds of thousands in so-called retaliation.

The observance at Saturday’s football game was no different. A moment of silence was followed by a military airplane flyover; in between, Block-I students chanted “USA, USA.” This was neither patriotism nor remembrance in any justifiable sense, but politicization, militarism, propaganda and bellicosity. The University is a public institution that encompasses the political views of all, not just the most (falsely) “patriotic.” Athletic planners should cease such exploitation for political purposes. They might at least consider how most Muslim students, American or otherwise, would respond to this nativist display; or better, Muslims and others that live their lives under the threat of our planes, drones and soldiers.

The overwhelmingly white, privileged, Block-I students should be ashamed of their obnoxious, fake-macho, chicken-hawk chant, while poverty-drafted members of their cohort fight and die in illegal and immoral wars for the control of oil. University administrators need to eliminate from all events such “patriotic” observances, which in this country cannot be separated from implicit justifications for state-sponsored killing.

David Green,

University Academic Professional

At first I figured this was a tenured professor. Someone else commented that “University Academic Professional” translates into “I work part time in the library.” Who’s right? Who cares. If this letter is legit and not some sort of prank, the guy’s a shitdick.

Actually, I’m still taken aback that a bunch of COLLEGE STUDENTS broke out into a “USA” chant.

kkk’s Rule Of Life #25

We should all be allowed to operate in a “Safe Mode” when the time calls for it … because I’m about ready to throw this piece of shit workplace computer out the window…

Recording The Stars Dancing … Or Just One Star In Particular

So now the better half is taping “Dancing With The Stars” this season because … Kurt Warner is one of the contestants.

She should just start hiding outside his house with a pair of binoculars and get it over with right now.

Actually, there’s a funny post-story to this … story. After I commented on this matter at my Facebook wall, someone made some … not so nice comments about the former NFL quarterback. This of course pissed off Mrs. kkk, and she said to me, “Why would someone want to wish death upon another person. That’s so cruel. Nobody should ever have that wished upon them … unless they are Michael Vick. Because he killed dogs.”

Please note, this is the same woman who is married to a person who has routinely wished pain and suffering upon untold masses of people — and that’s just including those I dated.

Raising A Stink

So with the kkk AC unit in hospice, the better half and I actually have to … open up our windows. How do people live like this?

Sure I hate humidity with a vengeance, but if the upstairs windows remain open overnight this usually cools down the whole house for the next day if we close the windows that morning.

While this cool-down method is all fine and dandy, there’s one little problem with this plan of attack for the remainder of summer/early fall.

We are getting invaded by stink bugs like the Southwest is getting invaded by invaders from south of the border.

What is a stink bug? Hell if I know. Let the Internet educate me.

Shield bugs have glands in their thorax between the first and second pair of legs which produce a foul smelling liquid. This liquid is used defensively to deter potential predators and is sometimes released when the bugs are handled carelessly.

I just noticed these little bastards last night when dozens of them were hanging on various screen windows. The better half told me not to kill any because the local newscast that causes them to stink and attract more bugs. Happy happy joy joy.

And then I noticed Bella and JJ up by the screens trying to EAT these things.

OH HELLLLLLLLLLLLL NO!!!!!

Windows down.

Room temperature up.

I swear this is one of the Biblical plagues or something. Maybe the stink bugs cut the power to the AC unit and are onto Phase 2 of Operation Infiltrate The kkk Manor. I’ve never seen these things before and now it’s “Night of the Living Dead.” Only with stink bugs.

If the CIA can create AIDS to wipe out America’s inner cities, why can’t the current administration launch a stink bug attack on suburbia?

Never thought I’d say this, but winter can’t come fast enough.

Cool With This Equipment Malfunction

So this past weekend I noticed something odd.

Cold air was coming out of the vents at the kkk Manor, but the thermostat was showing no signs of going down.

Oh let’s skip the foreplay. The Central AC unit died.

OMG WHAT AM I GOING TO DO IN THIS HUSSEIN RECESSION THE LITTLE GUY CAN’T GET A BREAK LIFE AIN’T FAIR WHY CAN’T SOMEONE BAIL ME OUT?!?!?!?

I had no idea how this could happen to me. When we got the heating unit replaced two years ago the repair guy said that our AC unit was on its “last leg.” How was I supposed to conclude that “last leg” would mean “two more good years?” Whatever am I going to do? It’s late September. The next time I’m going to really need AC will be in April/May, depending on how much global warming I can create now until next spring. What do you people expect me to do now — find out how much an AC unit costs, SAVE some money every month and then buy a new AC unit in the spring of 2011?

And where do you expect me to put this “extra money” — in an envelope?

And where do you expect me to place this envelope — in a safe found in the closet of the computer room?

And where would I put this envelope in the safe — next to the envelopes that have monthly deposits of cash in them for car and annual life insurance premiums and annual sewage payments?

Actually, it’s supposed to get hot this upcoming week. Guess the last laugh is on me. 😦

Losing Its Cool

Well, it looks like the central AC unit is calling it a career. Coolish air is blowing out but the temperature isn’t going down. The better half and I knew this unit was on it’s last legs ever since we got the central heating unit replaced two years ago. Bright side: the AC unit decided to have one last hurrah this summer and is pooh-poohing out in late September. This will enable us to save a few hundred each month and get a new until in the spring. Yay, I guess.

On Guard

Huh?

The Kenyan Koffee Fetcher, seeking to fire up an important part of his support base ahead of November’s elections, told black leaders on Saturday he wanted their support to “guard the change” he was delivering.

You mean like this?

I know I’m guarding MY change. And my dollar bills.

Putting Shanahan In Timeout

Hahahahaha.

Dr. Mike Shanahan, meet the monster you created.

You’re the one who started the whole “let’s call a timeout right before the ball is snapped before a field-goal attempt” phenomenon. Now it’s come back to bite you in the ass.

The overtime was just as crazy as the rest of the game. The Texans won the coin toss to get the ball and moved to the Washington 34, but coach Gary Kubiak opted to punt rather than try a 52-yard field goal because he didn’t think the breeze was favorable. The punt went for a touchback, giving Washington the ball at its own 20.

The Redskins then drove to the Houston 34 — the same yard line as the Texans — and Shanahan opted to try the field goal. Graham Gano made the first attempt, but it didn’t count because Kubiak called timeout just before the snap. Gano’s second try was wide right, putting the ball back in Schaub’s hands for the winning drive.

I have no problem with this “call a timeout right before the field-goal attempt” ploy. If you’ve got the extra timeouts, you might as well use ’em. The only issue I have is some players may hear the whistle being blown and relax while other players won’t hear the whistle and still be going at full speed. Someone’s going to get hurt. However, as long as this is a legal rule, then there’s nothing you can do about it. Don’t like the rule? Then change it. I’ll also be indifferent if this use of timeouts becomes banned.

But for now, I’m laughing.

Old Hip-Hop Names Never Leave You

So last night I saw “The Departed” once again.

No matter what you achieve in your career Mr. Wahlberg, you’ll always be Marky Mark to me.

I like the guy as an actor. Actually, a more accurate definition would be I’m indifferent to the guy as an actor (it’s still a compliment). But I can’t help but think “Marky Mark” every time I see him in a fictional role. Same goes with Snoop Dogg and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

Sorry, guys. That’s just the way it is.

This pseudo-form of typecasting doesn’t only apply to hip-hop artists. The better half and I also made “Team America” one-lines to fellow “Departed” actors Matt Damon and Alec Baldwin.

I actually think Mrs. kkk and I have an unspoken competition to be the first to say each of these lines whenever Damon or Baldwin appear in a movie or television show.

Here’s A Tip: Keep Opinions To Yourself

Just once when ordering food at a restaurant I’d like the waitress to say to me, “You’re ordering THAT? My God that’s disgusting. How are you still alive?”

You really don’t care what I order. I definitely don’t care what menu items you prefer. This interaction does not affect your tip in a positive way, but forgetting to include the dessert ordered on the final bill will enhance said gratituity (as was the case with this waitress). In the end, I didn’t end up “saving” any money on this oversight because I just applied the cost of the dessert to her tip. Nothing bad happened to our food, and there was no reason to accept this “gift.” So I just did my part in spreading the wealth around.

This rule of mine also applies to store cashiers. I don’t care what your opinion is of what I bought. Ring me up and leave me alone. “Ooooh, this is such a nice item.” Yeah, I got it from YOUR STORE. You can get one, too, you know.

Some Order in The Court

So yesterday afternoon I got the update to the crack-whore niece-in-law’s attempt to get her kid back from the baby’s daddy.

Beat down. On all counts. Even when it comes to unsupervised visitation.

I guess there is some hope for the justice system, after all.

For The First Time In My Life I Am Not Proud Of My Job

As if I didn’t like the Frenchie First lady enough already.

The White House Wookie thinks being America’s First Lady is ‘hell’, Carla Bruni reveals today in a wildly indiscreet book.

Miss Bruni divulges that Mrs Hussein replied when asked about her position as the U.S. president’s wife: ‘Don’t ask! It’s hell. I can’t stand it!’

Details of the private conversation, which took place at the White House during an official visit by Nicolas Sarkozy last March, emerged in Carla And The Ambitious, a book written in collaboration with Miss Bruni.

Yeah, it must really suck traveling all over the world and being a goodwill ambassador. There’s always the chance the First Wookie could have been joking and Mrs. Frenchie didn’t pick up on the sarcasm. But for now…

Blue Over Browns

Shitty day at work. Went to a local eatery called Eat ‘n Park. Had shittier hash browns.

Well that’s one more “food” I have to cross off my list. Getting older sucks. Can’t I have at least ONE greasy guilty pleasure?

Relay Race To The Top

Wait, wha-?

U.S. athletics officials, in a bid to stem relay failures at major championships, have called a summit for next month to discuss the problem.

A SUMMIT? Isn’t that a little … much?

Select athletes, coaches and officials tentatively will meet October 16 in Orlando, Florida, to talk about the good and bad of U.S. relay preparation and execution, USA Track and Field (USATF) chief of sport performance Benita Fitzgerald Mosley told Reuters via telephone from Indianapolis on Wednesday.

“We want to codify things that work well,” she said.

Lately that has been a short list for U.S. sprint relay teams.

Both the men’s and women’s 4×100 meters relay teams were disqualified at the 2008 Olympic Games and 2009 world championships because of dropped batons or other infractions.

Do you really need this kind of gathering just to tell each other, “Don’t drop the relay stick-thing”?

What’s Next — Everybody Burn A Koran Day?

Don’t you know that drawing a picture of Mohammad is one of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male?

No, seriously.

Molly Norris, Artist Behind ‘Everybody Draw Mohammed Day’ Cartoon, Goes Into Hiding

At the urging of the FBI, Molly Norris, the Seattle-based illustrator and cartoonist whose satirical drawing marking “Everybody Draw Mohammed Day” resulted in death threats, global protests and impassioned debate about religion and censorship, has been forced to change her name and abandon her former life as a result of her controversial cartoon.

The news that Morris had, out of concerns for her safety, decided to go into hiding was first reported in the Seattle Weekly today, a paper where Norris’ cartoons had regularly appeared:

“The gifted artist is alive and well, thankfully. But on the insistence of top security specialists at the FBI, she is, as they put it, “going ghost”: moving, changing her name, and essentially wiping away her identity. She will no longer be publishing cartoons in our paper or in City Arts magazine, where she has been a regular contributor. She is, in effect, being put into a witness-protection program — except, as she notes, without the government picking up the tab.”

“True Conservative” In A True Blue State

So how am I supposed to feel about the TEA PARTY EXPRESS making stops in Delaware and N00-Yawk?

Tea Party favorites won two primary elections over more mainstream Republicans on Tuesday, demonstrating again the clout of the conservative political movement on the political right.

Now the question is whether the right-wing candidates can also defeat Democratic rivals in November’s congressional elections, when the stakes are higher and the full electorate is deciding.

Look, these people aren’t going to win. Right now I’d rather have the numbers to take back Congress and give a middle finger to the Kenyan Koffee Fetcher, but if there’s a silver lining to be had it’s hopefully this scares the Grand Old Party’s leadership into looking at more conservative-based candidates rather than RINOs. Does a person have to vote in agreement with me? No. But at least get the big things right — stuff like taxes, cap and trade, immigration, etc. If not, well, then face the wrath of more instances like what happened in Delaware.

Similar shit happened in Connecticut a few years back with Joe Lieberman, who lost in his last Democrat Senatorial primary to some commie. Joe ended up winning the general election as an independent, but the message was clear: the Left was energized in ’06-’08. Now it’s the Righties turn to get all pissed off.

Cleaning The Junk After It Has Been In The Trunk

So it costs $800,000 to teach black guys how to wash their junk.

The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), a division of the National Institutes of Health (NIH), spent $823,200 of economic stimulus funds in 2009 on a study by a UCLA research team to teach uncircumcised African men how to wash their genitals after having sex.

They could have taught white people to do the same thing and the researchers would probably have only needed $600,000 due to not having to use as much soap for the study. And who knows how much of a savings it would have been if this study would have taught Asian men the same thing.

Hey, I get the Internet. I’ve seen the evidence.

Not Most Likely To Get Sick

So that’s why I hardly ever fall under the weather. And here I thought it was because of good genetics.

Think you’re popular? Well, name a friend. It turns out that this person is probably more popular than you, a tendency that scientists might be able to use to predict the spread of disease.

But the popular pay a price: they get flu first, on average two weeks sooner than most others, two experts report in the Public Library of Science journal PLoS ONE.

“Being at the center of the network tends to make you happy but it also exposes you to disease,” James Fowler of the University of California, San Diego, who worked on the study, said in a telephone interview.

Fowler and Nicholas Christakis of Harvard University in Massachusetts said the so-called friendship paradox could be important to working out how a flu pandemic or some other nasty virus is likely to behave.

“This would allow an earlier, more vigorous, and more effective response,” Christakis said in a statement.

This is how the friendship paradox works. If a person is asked to name a friend, that friend is statistically likely to be more popular than the original individual.

That is because if people are asked to name a friend or two, they are more likely to choose someone who connects them to others, Fowler says. An example is a party, where most guests would name the host as a friend as opposed to the wallflowers at the fringes of the gathering.