17 Weeks Is Like Halloween For Me

What is my costume this Halloween?

A middle-aged white guy watching the NFL Red Zone Channel. I even showered for the occasion.

Now get off my lawn you damn kids.

Actually, the Trick-or-Treating ritual is rather a comical one for the kkk household. The better half mills around the front door desperately looking for people approaching our front porch. When someone does, she opens the door and hurriedly throws the candy in each of their buckets. It’s quite comical; I’d compare it to the pit crew at a NASCAR race.

This year we got a 30-pack of candy bars at Sam’s Club for this Halloween. Out of the six previous years we’ve been at the kkk manor, we have only had one year in which we came close to getting 30 trick-or-treaters. Most years we’re lucky to get 10 visitors, which is odd because I know we’ve got more kids in the neighborhood than that. Oh well. Just more calories for me to consume afterward. Of course, whenever I eat any of this candy during the 6 pm – 8 pm trick-or-treating window, the better half throws a fit. Yeah, like we’re going to get a rush of 20 kids from 7:45 pm – 8 pm.

Out Of My District

So earlier today I watched District 9.

This has an 8+ rating on IMDB and was nominated for best picture? LOL.

Waaaaaay overrated.

If you don’t know what this movie is about, well here you go.

I’m not sure what’s overrated more — this or “Children of Men.” I’ll probably go with “District” because it was up for a “Best Picture” award.

With all that said, I will admit I liked the fact you didn’t get much of a backstory with the aliens. Where did they come from? Why were they here? None of that is really explained, and I think it made the movie better that way. You got to make your own conclusions. Didn’t quite back the same punch as the open-ended “Did evil win or lose?” question in the “Exorcist,” but it was perfectly acceptable.

When Did Politics Ever Become Civil?

So, as usual, I’m starting to hear about how this election cycle’s crop of attack ads and all that are making this the WORST TIME IN AMERICAN POLITICS EVER FOR CIVIL DISCOURSE. Of course it’s always interesting to note this whining typically takes place when Republicans look to win/retain seats, or ads like “black churches will buuuuurn if Republicans are elected” typically get ignored by Medium-Large Media’s critiques, but I digress.

Whenever I start hearing this crap, I ask the question, “When was politics ‘civil’?” It’s rhetorical, of course.

Oh, yeah. The point of this entry. I found this video and laughed. And to think the video’s producers didn’t even include the smear merchants going after Andrew Jackson’s wife or Honest Abe.

Greed = Good; Questionable Ad Placement = Bad

In my state this year there’s a Senate election in which the Republican *gasp* has a very good chance to win.

This of course means the political ads are running fast and furious.

I mentioned this a few days ago, but I need to give an update.

There is this one radio ad running seemingly nonstop on my local HATE RADIO~!!! station. I can’t find an audio clip, but it’s one of those “let’s throw everything up against the wall and see if any of it sticks” last-gasp measures. Here’s some more info on the ad, which features a sound clip from Gordon Gekko saying, “Greed is good” a bunch.

Here’s someone else talking about this ad.

Here in Pennsylvania, the National Education Association has saturated the airwaves with an ad comparing GOP senatorial candidate Pat Toomey to the infamous fictitious Gordon Gekko, complete with dubbed clips of actor Michael Douglas’ line “Greed is good”. It’s a slick ad-very well produced. And it’s a political hatchet job, pure and simple.

So you see, I’m NOT making this up.

Anyway, when I first hearing these ads and there wasn’t much of a response by the Toomey campaign, I said the following:

Toomey’s had a lead that has since been narrowed. Now I’m getting these stupid ads on TV and equally dimwitted radio commercials playing nearly nonstop. So far I have not heard any response from the Toomey camp, which tells me one of two things.

1) Internal polling shows these aren’t doing a thing.

2) Toomey’s campaign doesn’t know what to do.

If it’s the latter, then the shitdick Democrat deserves to win.

Turns out my first hunch seems to be the case.

New polling data indicates that Pennsylvania Republican Senate hopeful Pat Toomey has regained the lead he held for months, thanks largely to continued strength among independent voters.

After Democratic Rep. Joe Sestak closed the gap recently to take a narrow lead in the competitive race, Toomey surged back ahead this week, according to the state’s two largest polling institutes. A Franklin & Marshall College survey released Wednesday morning showed Toomey leading by seven points among likely voters, 43 percent to 36 percent.

That finding substantiated movement in the Muhlenberg College daily tracking poll, which swung 11 points in the span of a week—from a 3-point edge for Sestak last Wednesday to an 8-point lead for Toomey on Tuesday. That advantage leveled out to five points in the tracking poll on Wednesday.

By all accounts, the race remains close as the candidates enter a homestretch packed with furious retail campaigning. A Reuters poll earlier in the week showed the race tied, with each candidate winning 46 percent of likely voters.

But taken together, the latest polling data seemed to signal that Sestak’s surge was in large part due to solidified support among his own party, and that Toomey was still performing well with the critical bloc of independent voters.

“There was no sudden movement in the polls benefitting Sestak,” Toomey pollster Jon Lerner wrote earlier in the week, in a memo obtained by POLITICO. “Rather it was the common and expected phenomenon of strong partisan Democrats moving back to their party’s candidate.”

But what is my favorite part about these stupid ads? They are being aired, often in multiple times during one commercial break, on my local RIGHT-WING RADIO station. The local host has torn apart these ads during his show at least three times already, and I’m sure the listeners are getting more and more pissed off every time they hear this ad aired.

To the geniuses responsible for this stupid “Greed is good” ad — you’re definitely encouraging people to go out and vote on Tuesday, I’ll say that.

Hung Up About Cameo Callback

So let I get this straight.

Todd Phillips wants to set the record straight once and for all: Mel Gibson’s proposed cameo in The Hangover 2 didn’t work out – but the actor was never “fired.”

“No one was ever fired,” the film’s director said at the press day for his new movie Due Date. “It’s a term that is so obscene to me.”

Phillips says the move to replace Gibson with Liam Neeson was business as usual.

“Someone was doing me a favor to come in for a two-minute cameo, and we changed it,” Phillips says. “It wasn’t like we fired somebody. [Gibson] was just doing a favor from the beginning.”

But the back-and-forth certainly caused a stir. Shortly after news of Gibson’s cameo as a Bangkok tattoo artist emerged, Phillips announced the appearance was cancelled. Then there was speculation that Hangover star Zach Galifianakis was leading the call for Gibson to be cut from the movie after the comedian gave an interview to a comedy podcast suggesting there were problems on the Hangover 2 set.

The “Hangover 2” people axed Mel Gibson from its “WTF cameo,” but in its previous installment they welcomed a convicted rapist who went to prison.*

OK then.

The first Hangover movie did nothing for me. Now I have even more of a reason not to get “2” once it shows up in the DVD bargain bin.

*= Not that I really cared about Tyson appearing in the first Hangover movie.

Special Delivery

So earlier today I received an uber-important envelope.

I was expecting its contents to be a lame political ad asking me for money. I’ve received those things in the past. They give you a “survey” to complete then ask you include a check in with your response.

Look at how important this envelope is — it even tells the mailman not to fold its contents.

But what I found when opening up this letter was much worse than a political donation pitch.

MUCH worse.

Royal Mailbox-Clogging Material

So a while back I made a remark about my state representative being named the “Per Diem King~!!!”

Look what was waiting for me in my mailbox today.

Here’s the entire mailing.

Good Lord.

Fortunately These Commercials Will Be Over Soon

So the Senate race in my state has busted out one of my all-time favorite political television ads.

While it’s the standard b.s. that comes out every other year, the fortune cookie’s frownie face is what endears this otherwise run-of-the-mill commercial.

And honestly, now. Who the hell gets influenced by this stupid shit?

Toomey’s had a lead that has since been narrowed. Now I’m getting these stupid ads on TV and equally dimwitted radio commercials playing nearly nonstop. So far I have not heard any response from the Toomey camp, which tells me one of two things.

1) Internal polling shows these aren’t doing a thing.

2) Toomey’s campaign doesn’t know what to do.

If it’s the latter, then the shitdick Democrat deserves to win.

Muslim Of The White House Halts Wage Increases For Chicken Of The Sea Workers

I read this in my local Right-Wing Saturday fishwrap. I laughed.

Having at last learned that minimum-wage laws reduce employment, Congress needs to make that basic economics lesson stick — halfway around the world and at home.

Today’s Democrat-controlled Congress last month quietly passed — and the Muslim Wookie Fucker quietly signed — a halt to annual 50-cent increases that were to continue in two U.S. territories until wages there reached the $7.25-an-hour federal minimum.

Mandated by another Democrat-controlled Congress in 2007, the increases now are on hold for two years in American Samoa and one year in the Northern Mariana Islands, where they’ve caused thousands of job losses.

Just in American Samoa, StarKist Co. of Pittsburgh has reduced its tuna plant’s work force by thousands. Chicken of the Sea closed its tuna plant in 2007. And if the new holds on wage hikes aren’t made permanent, more jobs will be lost when they end.

With wages far lower in Thailand and elsewhere, the hikes made canning tuna in American Samoa prohibitively expensive — and job cuts inevitable. From that utterly predictable outcome, Congress must learn that it can’t suspend basic economics anywhere — and that minimum-wage laws are equally bad for employment at home and on the other side of the globe.

Going Deep Into Brett’s Bank Account

So whether or not Jenn Sterger meets with the NFL to discuss the Ol’ Gunslinger’s boorish behavior is the size of Favre’s … checkbook.

While we await the decision by Jenn Sterger as to whether or not she will meet with NFL official over the Brett Favre investigation, it seems we have some insight into Brett Favre’s interview with the NFL. According to Jay Glazer of FOX Sports, Favre told officials that while he did leave voicemails for Sterger, there were no images involved.

Some have said that Jenn Sterger’s decision on whether or not to meet with the NFL hinges on whether or not she comes to some sort of financial agreement with Favre. Such an agreement would, of course, have a confidentiality clause.

We’re all whores — the only difference for each of us involves the price. Hmmm, perhaps this should have been one of my “Rules of Life.”

Storm The Field Because You Played A Role In The Big Win

So when Missouri defeated top-ranked Oklahoma last night in college football, the idiot fans ran out onto the field in celebration.

I’m sorry, but watching this always pisses me off. If you want to go out on the field to celebrate your school’s win, then join the team. I wish there were automatic machine gun sentries set to go off whenever these assclowns decide to enter the field of play. Same applies for professional sports, too.

It doesn’t have to be machine guns. Flame-throwers would work.

Philly Not Immune From Mrs. kkk’s Wrath

So the Va-Giants beat the Phillies last night to go to the World Series. And naturally the better half decided to watch the last inning-and-a-half of the game. Why? Because she revels in the failures of this city. As I said before, she will watch a major sporting event involving the City of Brotherly Love just to give that team the finger and shoot out a barrage of expletives. Last night was no different. Below are some of the more choice comments she had:

— On a fan breathing into a Phillies rally towel: “Like that’s going to do any good, you dumbfuck.”

— On another fan who had fingers crossed on both hands up by her face: “Oh I hate you people and I don’t even know you.”

— When a double play was made, ending the 8th inning: “Why don’t you all just create your own nation with fatass (Ed) Rendell as your president?”

— After the last out was recorded in the game: “Look at what all that towel-waving got you — HAHAHAHAHA!”

Please note I’m only recording the comments she made directed at actual people shown on television. I’m not counting all the “Fuck you, fatass” chants, or similar terms of affection toward the city and our state’s (soon to be term-limited) governor.

And, as always, whenever she watches baseball, she has a question for me about the actual aspect of the game. When the Phillies were intentionally walking a batter in the 9th to get to the team’s pitcher, the following conversation was had. You can figure out who’s who.

“Why are they doing that?”

“Because they want to get to the next batter, who’s the team’s pitcher.”

“Why?”

“Because pitchers aren’t usually good hitters, and they have a better chance of getting him out.”

“That’s dumb.”

One final note. The quote about Philadelphia becoming its own state is somewhat work-related. Mrs. kkk deals with the city of Philadelphia, and her department is unable to do anything about its cohorts from the southeastern part of the state. Why? Because the Philadelphia branch wants to be held unaccountable for whatever it is they are supposed to do for the better half’s employer. There’s some exemption Philadelphia has that stems from when this city used to be our nation’s capital. I’m not going to go into detail, but just think of the “diplomatic immunity” guy from “Lethal Weapon 2.”

Note that “not going into detail” translates into “whenever she starts bitching about this during our drive home from work I begin to tune out.”

McCarvertary

I’ve got the Giants/Phillies game on now and some guy just hit a lead-off double in the bottom of the sixth with the score tied 2-2.

Tim McCarver just said, “it could be a very, very important hit for the Phillies.”

Ya think?

EDIT: Turns out it wasn’t. I have no idea which team I want to see advance to the World Series. San Francisco or Philadelphia? Ewww.

Damn Juan

Silly Juan. Didn’t you get the memo that you are supposed to bash only Christians on National Progressive Radio?

NPR terminated the contract of Juan Williams on Wednesday after comments the veteran journalist and news analyst made about Muslims on Fox’s “The O’Reilly Factor.”

Fox News host Bill O’Reilly stirred up controversy last week on “The View” after making the blanket statement that “Muslims killed us on 9/11,” a comment that led to co-hosts Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg walking off the set.

On Monday, O’Reilly asked Williams if there is a “Muslim dilemma” in the United States. The NPR analyst and longtime Fox News contributor agreed with O’Reilly that such a thing exists, and added that “political correctness can lead to some kind of paralysis where you don’t address reality.”

“I mean, look, Bill, I’m not a bigot,” Williams continued. “You know the kind of books I’ve written about the civil rights movement in this country. But when I get on the plane, I got to tell you, if I see people who are in Muslim garb and I think, you know, they are identifying themselves first and foremost as Muslims, I get worried. I get nervous.”

Nevertheless, congrats on the job promotion. OMGFAUXNEWSLOL2010~!! is going to give you a more prominent role and more money.

I like Williams. He’s a liberal for sure, but he seems to be an independent thinker who usually gives his opinions rather than just basic talking points. Back in 1995 I attended this “young journalists” convention in Washington, D.C., and Williams was co-hosting a workshop. Did I have some meaningful chat with him afterward? No. I just wanted to tell this story.

Oh, and I have to wonder if ol’ NPR has ever had the race-baiting poverty-pimp Jesse Jackson on its airwaves after he said this little gem?

“I hate to admit it, but I have reached a stage in my life that if I am walking down a dark street late at night and I see that the person behin…d me is white, I subconsciously feel relieved.”

Per Diem King For A Day

Dang, my State Representative James Casorio is getting blasted more in this election cycle than the previous three election cycles combined. There are even snazzy TV commercials and daily mailings.

The guy’s still going to get re-elected, but it’s hilarious reading that he’s the state’s PER DIEM KING~!!!!

I have to wonder if this local media blitz is partly because of this conversation I had with a survey taker a while back. Hmmmm.

What Does This Internet Archive Have In Store For Me

From across the Pond. I’m sure the Muslims there will claim some sort of “Sharia Technology” and will be exempt from this should it come to fruition.

Every email and website to be stored

Every email, phone call and website visit is to be recorded and stored after the Coalition Government revived controversial Big Brother snooping plans.

It will allow security services and the police to spy on the activities of every Briton who uses a phone or the internet.

Moves to make every communications provider store details for at least a year will be unveiled later this year sparking fresh fears over a return of the surveillance state.

The plans were shelved by the Labour Government last December but the Home Office is now ready to revive them.

It comes despite the Coalition Agreement promised to “end the storage of internet and email records without good reason”.

Any suggestion of a central “super database” has been ruled out but the plans are expected to involve service providers storing all users details for a set period of time.

That will allow the security and police authorities to track every phone call, email, text message and website visit made by the public if they argue it is needed to tackle crime or terrorism…

That’s a whole lotta porn. Wonder who gets to archive that?

If the Brits need some help, I’ll be more than happy to do my bit. Just direct me to CollegeFuckFest.com.

kkk’s Rule Of Life #37

They are called the “dumb-masses” for a reason.

kkk’s Rule Of Life #36

“Taco night” always sounds like a good idea … at the time.

Putting The “Fun” In “Funeral Home”

So how was today?

Another busy-ass day at work where I put in 9 hours and felt like I got shit done. Then it was off to the funeral home where the grandfather of Mrs. kkk’s friend was laid out. So how did that experience go?

Well, about a year ago we bought a shitload of plastic spoons, knives and forks for this friend’s bridal shower. Because we bought these things at Sam’s Club, we had about 1000 of ’em left over. They’re taking up space in the fruit cellar; we were only more than happy to pass these things off to the friend’s family for the upcoming wake. There was one problem. We forgot to bring the plasticware to the funeral home.

No problem. I drove back home and brought them to the funeral home. Now because Mrs. kkk’s friend is currently VERY pregnant, I offered to put the forks/etc. in her vehicle. She told me her car was a black Caravan with the license plate “F… something-or-other.” No problem. I can find it.

Yeah.

I wandered around the lot and found a … dark Caravan with a license plate that began with “F.” The car keys given to me didn’t fit in the keyhole. The hell? It was the wrong vehicle. I then wandered about some more hitting buttons on the key chain. Sure enough, I then heard a horn honking. I found the vehicle. I also remotely started the thing.

And I couldn’t get it to stop.

As I scurried over to the right Caravan, I frantically began hitting all the keychain buttons again. Nothing. I had the key in the ignition, but it wasn’t turning the vehicle off. I then did the only thing I could think of — I put it in reverse, moved about two inches and tried shutting everything off. Mission accomplished.

Fortunately, the funeral home must have thick walls because nobody came out into the parking lot and nobody looked at me oddly as I re-entered (well, no more oddly than people normally do whenever I make an appearance). Seriously though, that horn was blaring for a good 30 seconds. I’m surprised this didn’t draw a crowd.

After leaving the funeral home and telling Mrs. kkk of my exploits with modern technology, we had to go the grocery store. Why? Because the better half was making some sort of dessert for the wake.

If you don’t read my posts regularly, you wouldn’t know that I’m a compulsive coupon clipper. I don’t get anything at the grocery store that’s not on sale and I don’t have a coupon to redeem. Now I’m going into this place to get a bunch of shit that’s NOT on sale.

My God. It was like dropping off a germaphobe at the local dump.

Graham crackers are HOW MUCH?

Do you know how much that Cool Whip was on sale for two weeks ago?

THAT’S the final cost of pudding mix when the red sales tag isn’t covering up the regular price tag?

Sure the final bill was $15, but I was too busy thinking about how much this shit would have cost had I gotten this shit on sale. It would have been $9.50, and I’m NOT including coupons into the mix. We’d be talking $5-6.

Yeah, I’m a tightwad. And a lunatic.

Goin’ Be A Bad Day, Tater

So how was my day at work? I don’t know if I built up boatload of karma today or if I had to cash some in. If it’s the latter, I really have been a bastard.

Kicked To The Curb

So here’s another workplace commute story.

This morning as I was driving through the ghetto portion of my commute, there were two old people walking their dog — in a stroller. OK then.

But the REAL highlight was when we were driving through the hippie/yuppie part of town. Today was “garbage collection” day for this left-wing haven and what did she see? A Muslim Wookie Fucker yard sign out with the rest of the trash on the curb.

Now THAT is some change I can believe in.

I don’t really follow polls that much, and I don’t consider myself one of those, “How did my candidate lose — everyone I knew voted for him” types. However, I have taken notice that there are several Pat Toomey signs up in a few yards this election cycle. Now the Democrat Senate candidate will still win this part of town by a health margin, but ever since I began this commute routing back in 2004, there has NEVER been a Republican sign in ANY of these yards. I’m not exaggerating.

Is this going to mean a huge shift in power two weeks from now? God I hope so, even though nothing will change except that we will be two years clower to possibly electing someone who’s an actual citizen of this country. Dunno. But it is something that got my attention.

BcS Rankkkings

I think the BcS is stupid, and having watched ESPN’s first BcS ranking show-thing yesterday only solidified this opinion.

My God. Not all these teams are going to stay undefeated. Why even bother discussing this stuff now?

Here are the current rankings:

1 Oklahoma: 6-0
2 Oregon: 6-0
3 Boise State: 6-0
4 Auburn: 7-0
5 TCU: 7-0
6 LSU: 7-0
7 Michigan State: 7-0
8 Alabama: 6-1
9 Utah: 6-0
10 Ohio State: 6-1

OK, now here are my rankkkings.

1 Auburn: 7-0
2 Oklahoma: 6-0
3 LSU: 7-0
4 Oregon: 6-0
5 Michigan State: 7-0
6. Missouri: 6-0
7. Oklahoma State: 6-0
8. Boise State: 6-0
9. TCU: 7-0
10. Utah: 6-0

There you have it. All undefeated. Auburn is in the toughest conference, so they go first. Oklahoma is in a BcS conference and will have to play a title game. They get #2. LSU… well, you get the point. Want to know how much research I did? You’re looking at it.

Look, most of these teams are going to lose. Whoever is left undefeated moves on. Of course, there will probalby be a few undefeated teams — well those teams like Boise State will just get screwed over again like they always do. What’s the point of debating this anymore? It’s all glorified exhibitions outside of conference play.

Will Past Acts Hang Over Mel’s Cameo?

I didn’t care much for “The Hangover.” I liked the idea, but I just didn’t find it all that funny. Hey, comedy’s tough.

With that said, I will watch this once it gets to Comcast OnDemand or in the discount DVD bin.

It worked with Mike Tyson in “The Hangover.” But can director Todd Phillips make a celebrity cameo uncomfortably funny with a much more, er, complicated figure?

The New York Post reported this morning that Mel Gibson will play a Bangkok tattoo artist in “The Hangover 2.” Two people close to the production confirmed to The Times that Gibson — who’s maintained radio silence since recordings apparently capturing his violent rants against ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva surfaced this summer — will play an American expat living in Thailand. (The gang goes to Southeast Asia in the new installment for the wedding of Ed Helms’ character to a Thai-American woman; the movie has begun shooting in Southern California and will head to Thailand in several weeks.)

Fwank Debate

LOL wut?

Upon exiting the most recent debate with Barney Fwank, located at WGBH studios in Boston, MA, Republican Congressional candidate, Sean Bielat, gets heckled by a Barney Fwank “supporter” while talking to the media. While watching this video, we realized that we recognized this “supporter”. We received confirmation from two eyewitnesses that the mysterious cameraman was none other than Barney Fwank’s pot-growing boyfriend, James Ready.

How anyone can keep a straight face while debating this pecker is beyond me.

kkk’s Rule Of Life #35

If you don’t want to hear my commentary then don’t write out a check in the express lane.

Chick Congregation

So one of my co-workers is getting hitched. Yay. Well, I guess she finally picked out her wedding dress this weekend and I heard a bunch of chick-squealing down the hall. Gag.

I don’t get the deal with wedding dresses. They are way overpriced and don’t really look all that different from one another. This is one of those times I’m glad I’m a guy. I got to the tux store. Rent the thing for a day or two and turn it back in, never to be seen again.

But here is where the SWERVE~! takes place. Turns out the chick-squealing wasn’t for the dress but rather another reason. My other co-worker’s kid is knocked up.

Oh I’m going to have so much fun asking her what she prefers to be called: “Grandma” or just plain ol’ “Grams.”

kkk’s Rule Of Life #34

Rule #33 also applies to porno movies that try to contain some sort of plot device.

kkk’s Rule Of Life #33

Always fast-forward 90 percent of a Godzilla movie just to get to the parts with the monsters fighting/demolishing model buildings.

Campaign Season: The Salesman’s Black Friday

I think I just found the easiest job in the world: Being a TV/radio ad salesman during election season in a contested state. They have to be turning away ad requests at this rate. Holy Guacamole.

Do salespeople still get commissions for each of these commercials they put on the air?

Big Ben’s Big Opening Drive

So I’m taking a break from the Red Zone Channel to actually watch the Browns/Steelers game on network television. I’m curious to see the opening drives for both teams.

I want to see how Colt McCoy does as well as Big Ben’s initial drive.

Roethlisberger. Opening drive. Interception in the red zone.

OK, I don’t think it’s the end of the world. I still think the Steelers will cover the 13-point spread. However, I can hear Yinzer Nation right now:

[YinzerNation]Charlie Batch would have made that throw and Dennis Dixon would have run it in for six.[/YinzerNation]

Philadelphia Praise

For as much as I hate Philadelphia, the cat-calling their fans did to the San Francisco Giants Game 1 starting pitcher whenever he was called out at first was hilarious.

Just Another Saturday At The Office

It never fails.

I wake up on Saturday morning going, “Do I REALLY want to go into the office today to catch up on stuff?” and think of every reason not to do so. Then after about an hour or so I get my groove on and want to stay the entire day and get every last thing accomplished.

All in all, a good day. I got all the stupid things out of the way, which will make me able to work on the important things Monday. Hopefully, I will get a few hours Monday morning to be able to accomplish this goal before I get handed a bunch of new stupid things to do.

Putting Sam’s Club Items In Proportion

So tonight was Sam’s Clube night. What did I see? Some jumbo-sized bag of something-or-other that had the term “Sensible Proportions” printed on it.

I laughed.

That’s all I got.

Actually, I lied. I compared the big bags of Baked Lays at Sam’s with the mini-bags that are sold in boxes of 30. Surprisingly, the value is pretty much the same — usually the mini-bags are more expensive. The weight content of the combined mini-bags was pretty much the same of two big bags, and the price was nearly identical. I’m not sure which is the better value because there were too many fractions involved and I wasn’t THAT curious to know. Knowing that I can limit myself with one bag of chips at a time rather than trust my restraint with an open bag of that baked goodness and only getting enough for one serving, I am going to pick the former option. Plus there are several different flavors in the multi-bags case.

Now that’s all I got.

Wrong Right-Of-Way Technique

So this morning the better half and I were making our morning commute. We spend a good chunk of the drive on this state road. About a quarter-mile on this road there’s this crapola four-way intersection. It’s one of those intersections that if you are waiting at a red light, you are going to be waiting. With that said, there is a way you can avoid this intersection if you decide to exit out of a shopping mart. The downside? Oh, if you are trying to go eastbound on this state highway you have to cross at least three lanes of (usually busy) highway traffic. Some dildo tried doing this.

The assclown I’m taking about was trying to pull out of a shopping center’s lot, and instead of waiting until there was an opening he flashed his high beams and just went out. Of course, he did this in front of me and another motorist and when we didn’t stop he went out anyway. Shocked, the other motorist and myself slammed our brakes. He then gave us the Arm Wave Of Doom because we were oblivious to the new driving rule that a motorist flashing his high beams gets the right of way. Of course, when he sped out across the two westbound lanes that were stopped due to this douche-nozzel, the cars headed eastbound weren’t aware of this new right-of-way rule. It’s always fun being witness to a potential car collision. I would have minded tending to things before the EMTs arrived. Of course I wouldn’t have checked to see if the asshole who caused all this potential carnage was OK — he could bleed out for all I care.

Some Friendly Advice

Well I’m happy to report that I just got my first “Never in a million fucking years” Facebook friend request.

I’m not kidding. I saw the name and my jaw dropped and I blurted out, “Ohhhh FUCK NO!” before whipping out the Ban Hammer.

It amazes me that some people don’t remember the past. I’m not going to say what happened, but let’s just say I have several years’ worth of documentation that I will be keeping with me for the rest of my days or until the paper rots away from the atmosphere.

Freedom Of Choice Comments

So every now and then I get into a Devo groove. Tonight is one of those nights.

sank, swam, go down with the ship
but use your freedom of choice

Awesome.

But you want to know what’s more awesome? Reading some of the comments to SongMeanings.net. Here is what one person said about the meaning to “Whip it.”

I think when he says “Whip it good” he is speaking of one of the late and great Arnold’s, you know that kid from the Nick-a-lodian TV show… I would love to whip that kid 40 or even 50 lashes… thats what I think this song means

Here’s another one.

Actually your all wrong, I’ve actually talked with Devo in the late 90’s about this song. It is actually written about a Artie from the TV show Pete and Pete. Because he can whip anyones butt.

I hope these people are kidding. Either way, when you read something this stupid for the first time you can’t help but laugh and/or shake your head.

You know, kinda like when you visit this place.

kkk’s Rule Of Life #32

Why does Big Chocolate call those mini-candy bars “fun size” when they’re anything but?

Chew On This Primary Ingredient

So this morning I was chewing on some Mentos “Pure Fresh,” gum when the better half noted this product’s primary ingredient: “Xylitor.”

The hell?

I’d expect something sounding like that to be near the end of a product’s ingredient lineup with all the other made-up words like “sucrose esters of fatty acids,” “polydextrose” and “natural flavors,” but first? “Xylitor” sounds like something a tribal group worshiped back in the day before tossing a few virgins into the nearest volcano.

Come to think of it, why did ancient tribes off the virgins? Because they were “pure” or because they didn’t put out?

Controlled Expressions Of Rage Aren’t Phoney

So yesterday was … quite the fun day at work. No need to go into details, but I did end up chucking my pen up against the wall and having it shatter into several pieces. But that wasn’t the best part. I still was feeling uber-pissed so what did I do next? Did I punch or kick a wall or other surface which would have won a battle of one-on-one with me? No.

I grabbed a phone book, went outside and smacked the shit out of a tree in front of the building.

Hey, I felt better afterward and no bones were broken.

Yeah, I’m psychotic. But I’ll argue that I had enough control to know that doing something like punch a wall would be stupid so I sought out a healthier alternative.

For years when people asked me if I ever had an operation (yeah, the jokes write themselves on this one), I would reply that I underwent arthroscopic surgery on my right knee due to an old football injury. I then bring out the punchline, “I got it from kicking a wall after the Steelers lost to the Broncos in a playoff game.”

It was the 1989-90 playoffs for those keeping score at home.

Getting A Workout Over Replacement Parts

So I have had this exercise bike since 2005. A few weeks ago this metal bar linking the left pedal to the front of the machine broke off. No worries. I bought this thing for about $70 and it has served me well.

I then went to order a replacement part.

I did what I thought was the logical thing and called the number on the owner’s manual. The automated lady then told me that to order a replacement part I had to go to their website: www.staminaproducts.com.

I sent off an email saying that I needed a replacement part for my product. I stated the product number and said that according to the manual this part was titled “linkage.”

A day or two went by and I received the following message (in ALL CAPS): PLEASE PROVIDE THE PART NUMBERS/DESCRIPTIONS FOR THE PARTS YOU NEED AS THEY APPEAR AT THE BACK OF YOUR OWNER’S MANUAL.

I did that, with the exception of providing a part number. It’s all good, though. I’m sure that’s what “Diagram Number” meant on the online form I filled out. I gave that information and then another day or two went by. I received the following message (this time with NO caps):

thanks for your order the total cost will be $8.99. you can send a check or call with credit card and pay for the order.

Wha-? I’m going to have to CALL this place after all. What was the point over going through that whole on-line journey?

I called, paid for the order, and I should be getting the part in a few days.

I’m not uber-angry or anything like that, but the email correspondence to get the replacement part took over a week to accomplish. Granted I don’t check my email every day, and I wasn’t in the biggest hurry to get this part, but still. One simple phone call to order the part with a brief conversation to an operator would have remedied this entire situation. Instead, I had to deal with two separate customer service representatives over the course of a week-plus. How is that efficient?

In the meantime, I hope my Gazelle doesn’t fall apart. Actually, a year or three ago I had to order a replacement part for that thing. From what I remember, that ordeal also took a few email exchanges and a phone call. So far so good with the nine-year-old Soloflex. The only correspondence I had with these people was an email exchange over them forgetting to take off the shipping charges — that was quickly remedied.

My ex-treadmill? Well, let’s just say I’m never buying a big-ticked item at Sears ever again. And I let their customer service representatives know this each time I go into a store to price their goods so I can compare them to other stores in the region.

What happened?

Well, we got a treadmill back in 2000. We got the uber-super-extended warranty. This was supposed to bring out a repairman whenever the thing busted. The warranty was good for four years. Fast-forward to 2004. Mrs. kkk and I moved into our house and the treadmill moved into the basement. It flourished there for a month or so and then it just quit. It would start up for 5 minutes or so and then just die out. Well, we wanted to know if the motor was going — believe me, I used the shit out this machine. When I went to call the Sears hotline to get someone to look at this machine,

THEY REFUSED.

The operator said that it was likely the power outlet wasn’t strong enough to keep the treadmill going. Bitch, it was working fine for over a month before it started doing this. I purchased your uber-super-extended warranty so that whenever something like this happened I could get someone to look at machine and determine if something needs replaced. The operator kept saying I should try another power source. Bitch, I CAN’T GET THIS CONTRAPTION UP TO THE FIRST FLOOR TO TEST OTHER POWER OUTLETS! After dealing with this for 10-15 minutes I got pissed, hung up and swore never to purchase another big-ticket item from Sears every again. A few weeks later I got the Gazelle and later the exercise bike and the treadmill collected dust for several years. The funny thing was I couldn’t even give this thing away — nobody wanted to take the risk of hauling it away and discover that the motor was kaput.

Do I still shop at Sears? Once in a blue moon — I bought a few pairs of jeans which were on sale the day after Christmas. However, I will NEVER purchase something more than $10-20 from that place every again. And like I said above I don’t hesitate to let the customer service representatives know about my experience. I don’t get angry when telling this story, but I let them know that for the cost of sending out a repairman this company will now not be on my list of potential suitors when it comes to getting a big-screen television, a new washier/dryer, a new refrigerator, a new lawnmower or the other items on my list of “stuff I’ll need to replace when my current household goods call it a career.”

God I can really love the free market at times.

Getting Oneself Into A Pickle

Someone who is afraid of pickles is a waitress? Can’t fire her, either; that would violated the Americans With Disabilities Act.

The chicken “trap” is something I would do. Awesome.

Name That Tune

So the better half and I had the following conversation over my frequent use of YouTube as my playlist.

“It seems like you’ve been listening to music with YouTube lately.”

“Lately? I’ve been doing this for years.”

“I don’t see how you can do that. It’d be too much of a pain.”

“Huh?”

“Well first you have to know the song and who sings that song…”

“Yeah, it’s always good to know the name of the song you’re listening to.”

“You know what I’m talking about.”

“No I don’t. How the hell would you find the CD to a song if you don’t know who made the CD or the title of the song you’re looking for?”

“Shutup.”

Advantage me.

Seriously though, Mrs. kkk is TERRIBLE at knowing the name to a song or its artist. If I had a dollar for every time she asked me, “What’s the name of that song by that guy,” well, I’d have some money. Not enough to retire, but maybe enough for a few used DVDs or something.

Gap Brand

Huh?

Gap is back to blue. The casualwear chain said late Monday it will keep its decades-old white-on-navy blue logo after all. (AP) –

THE CONFUSION: Last week the company swapped in a new logo online without saying a word. The new logo—a white background with black letters—irritated fans, who then complained online.

THE MISTAKE: Gap North America President Marka Hansen said the company realized how much people liked the old logo. She also said Gap didn’t handle the change correctly and missed a chance to have shoppers offer input until it was too late.

Don’t companies usually make a big deal out of changing its brand look?

Here’s the old, err, new logo.

Here’s the new, err, old logo.

Wow. I think the people who complained online have a point. That’s awful.

Commuter-Class Citizens

So I saw this story in the fishwrap and laughed. (This is where I got my one piece of paper stating I’m smart and all that.)

The U.S. Department of Education is reviewing how Point Park University applies for and distributes federal grant money for students in the wake of claims by a fired administrator.

“Once this initial review is complete, we will determine whether an on-site or off-site review is warranted,” said Jane Glickman, a department spokeswoman.

Betty L. Davis of Washington County last month sued Point Park and two university executives, accusing them of illegally firing her after she reported school officials were breaking federal law by systematically excluding commuter and part-time students from receiving federal grants.

Davis worked as Point Park’s senior director of student financial services from Nov. 10, 2008, until she was fired July 2.

University President Paul Hennigan did not respond to multiple requests for comment.

“The university is always subject to examination and review by the Department of Education,” spokeswoman Mary Ellen Solomon said in an e-mail. “We welcome its review and input.”

Solomon said that university officials would not respond to claims made in the lawsuit.

“Because it is audited annually, the university is comfortable that its method of distribution is in compliance with the law,” she said. “Any suggestion that there is ‘fraud’ involved is totally inaccurate.”

Is the school guilty? Sounds like a disgruntled employee to me. But I’m sure commuter and part-time students are probably regarded as second-class citizens. After all, these students aren’t on site 24/7 like full-time dorm students. When I was a student, this place didn’t give a shit about my financial issues. Then again this place didn’t like me a whole lot. That’s fine, though, because the feeling is more than mutual.

Charles Godart, 24, a Point Park senior and a commuter student from Shadyside, said he’s received every grant for which he applied. But the broadcast major wonders if he could have gotten other money that school officials never told him about.

“I have been to financial aid numerous times,” Godart said. “No one ever said you may be eligible for this, too, or that, also. And I’m eligible for everything.”

He learned about Davis’ lawsuit from newspaper reports.

“It makes me a little mad,” said Godart, who pays about $11,250 per semester. “Living off-campus is cheaper.”

ELEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS PER SEMESTER — lol wut?! My tuition was half that ten years ago! And this is a commuter student — no dorm expenses.

Thank Allah I paid off these school loans years ago and not have to deal with them ever again, even though I am on their Alumni list. Oh well, it’s just costing them more in postage to send me stuff that goes straight in the trash.

So I saw this story in the fishwrap and laughed. (This is where I got my one piece of paper stating I’m smart and all that.)

The U.S. Department of Education is reviewing how Point Park University applies for and distributes federal grant money for students in the wake of claims by a fired administrator.

“Once this initial review is complete, we will determine whether an on-site or off-site review is warranted,” said Jane Glickman, a department spokeswoman.

Betty L. Davis of Washington County last month sued Point Park and two university executives, accusing them of illegally firing her after she reported school officials were breaking federal law by systematically excluding commuter and part-time students from receiving federal grants.

Davis worked as Point Park’s senior director of student financial services from Nov. 10, 2008, until she was fired July 2.

University President Paul Hennigan did not respond to multiple requests for comment.

“The university is always subject to examination and review by the Department of Education,” spokeswoman Mary Ellen Solomon said in an e-mail. “We welcome its review and input.”

Solomon said that university officials would not respond to claims made in the lawsuit.

“Because it is audited annually, the university is comfortable that its method of distribution is in compliance with the law,” she said. “Any suggestion that there is ‘fraud’ involved is totally inaccurate.”

Is the school guilty? Sounds like a disgruntled employee to me. But I’m sure commuter and part-time students are probably regarded as second-class citizens. After all, these students aren’t on site 24/7 like full-time dorm students. When I was a student, this place didn’t give a shit about my financial issues. Then again this place didn’t like me a whole lot. That’s fine, though, because the feeling is more than mutual.

Charles Godart, 24, a Point Park senior and a commuter student from Shadyside, said he’s received every grant for which he applied. But the broadcast major wonders if he could have gotten other money that school officials never told him about.

“I have been to financial aid numerous times,” Godart said. “No one ever said you may be eligible for this, too, or that, also. And I’m eligible for everything.”

He learned about Davis’ lawsuit from newspaper reports.

“It makes me a little mad,” said Godart, who pays about $11,250 per semester. “Living off-campus is cheaper.”

ELEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS PER SEMESTER — lol wut?!

Holy shit. My tuition was half that ten years ago! Good Christ. And this is a commuter student — no dorm expenses.

Thank Allah I paid off these school loans years ago and not have to deal with them ever again, even though I am on their Alumni list. Oh well, it’s just costing them more in postage to send me stuff that goes straight in the trash.

Book ’em

So someone threw the book at the Muslim Wookie Fucker.

This is the astonishing moment a book was apparently hurled at the head of President Hussein during a campaign rally in Philadelphia.

The flying missile narrowly missed hitting the Kenyan Koffee Fetcher yesterday.

It is not clear what the book was, where it came from in the crowd, or why it was thrown at America’s Top Imam – who did not appear to notice the danger.

I hope it wasn’t the Constitution; he might have combusted if that made contact.

But I guess that’s better than having his Health Care Deform legislation catapulted at him; forget death panels, that sucker will kill someone upon impact.

1492 And Sailing The Ocean Blue

To all the Mighty Whiteys out there — Happy Imperialist’s Day.

The following conversation took place on my Facebook wall. You can figure out who’s who:

“Glorified genocide.”

“I was always partial to Pizarro. Now that man knew how to topple a civilization.”

“Do you and Mrs. kkk get the day off for Happy White Man Day?”

“Funny enough, we don’t. We’re getting held down by the Man, too!”

“Down with the Man.”

“I often wonder if back in those days there were native peoples telling their fellow citizens, ‘Aw, come on. They just want to trade the goods we don’t want to trade. What harm can these pale-faces do?'”

Silver And Black Attack

Big-ups to the Raiders Tyvon Branch, who played through the Phillip Rivers fumble and scored the final TD of the game. Many players would have assumed it was an incomplete pass and either left the ball rolling on the ground or just fall on top of the pigskin. Branch picked up the ball and took it 60+ yards for a touchdown to put the Raiders up by 8 with a minute or so left in the game. I’m surprised Oakland players actually knew how to do stuff like that.

And while I’m talking about the Silver and Black, I have to admit I have a strange infatuation with the person who dresses up as Darth Vader at Raider home games. It’s like playing the football edition of “Where’s Waldo?”

Good lord. Well, they paid for the ticket. If that’s within the dress code, then it’s all good.

HA. I love this picture from the above video. The kids are embarrassed.

I Watch, They Score

So I have this “talent” of tuning into a Pittsburgh Penguins game and watching the team implode. I’ve had this talent for years. A few years back the were playing Toronto (or was it Montreal? I can’t remember) and they had a two-goal lead going into the third period. I turned on the game and suddenly that two-goal lead became a one-goal deficit in a matter of minutes. I wasn’t even in the room when two of these goals occurred; I’m that powerful.

Well last night I tuned into the last 5 minutes of the Penguin game…

(Mike) Cammalleri and Scott Gomez scored in a 24-second span over the final 2:12 and the Montreal Canadiens came back for a 3-2 win over Pittsburgh on Saturday night, keeping the Penguins winless through two games at brand new Consol Energy Center.

…and I’m glad to know I still haven’t lost my touch, what with the team switching ice rinks.

Ol’ Gunslinger Whipped Out One Pistol Too Many (Allegedly)

So I wonder how many games the Ol Gunslinger will be getting suspended for by the NFL; I doubt this sort of thing is found in the player’s conduct manual.

The NFL is reportedly reviewing allegations regarding Brett Favre’s possible inappropriate interaction with a Jets reporter while he played in New York two years ago.

The website deadspin.com recently disclosed voice mails and several graphic pictures that were reportedly sent by Favre, now currently with the Vikings, to former Jets employee Jenn Sterger.

“I’m not getting into that,” Favre said at a press conference on Thursday when asked about the controversy. “I’ve got my hands full with the Jets and am trying to get some timing down with our guys, so that’s all I’m going to discuss.”

According to multiple media reports, however, the NFL is now investigating the matter.

I can’t wait to see the media coverage to this story. When I watched ESPN’s Friday’s edition of PTI, Michael Wilbon and Bob Ryan briefly discussed this topic. Wilbon said we didn’t know for sure if it’s Favre, and him and Ryan then spent the rest of time complaining about having to cover stories like this. LOL.

And then there are the hard-hitting Sunday pregame shows, which I never watch. Ha at the “Brett Favre will get off easy…” headline.

Heard the story about Brett Favre allegedly hitting on TV host Jenn Sterger via text messages and below-the-belt (literally) cell phone images when he was a Jet?

You know, the story – complete with audio and video – posted on Deadspin last week. The one, which the website initially posted (minus audio/video) in August, also alleging Favre’s pickup play was assisted by a Jets PR operative?

Another question: Will this story be reported Sunday on any of the NFL pregame shows?

After all, Fox’s “NFL Sunday” has Jay Glazer, whom the Foxies bill as a fearless super sleuth. He’s a tough guy who will have no trouble shining a light on a sleazy angle involving an NFL legend.

Then there’s Peter King on NBC’s “Football Night In America.” For years, he’s indicated his track to Favre (“I just got a text message from Brett”) is an inside one. So he can really tell us what did, or did not, go down here.

ESPN’s Bristol Clown Community College faculty claims its two reporters, Chris Mortensen and Adam Schefter, are the best in the biz – a two-headed scoop machine. They should have no trouble nailing down the intimate details of this story and exposing it to the fullest on “Sunday NFL Countdown.”

CBS’ “The NFL Today?” It has Norman Julius Esiason. On Friday, he had no problem discussing the Favre story on the radio. He even laughed about it with his pet Cockroach. So Esiason will get into it Sunday, right?

Wrong. It would be stunning if any of these shows touch this Favre story. Favre has been protected, treated like football royalty, by the NFL’s TV partners, some of whom want to hire him when he finally hangs it up.

More importantly, network suits have a built-in out. They will say their people can’t report on the Favre story because they don’t know if the “contents” of the photos actually belong to Favre. Or if it’s really his voice on the “message.”

Nonetheless, here’s what they can and absolutely should get into. They should discuss, extensively, if the publicity attached to this Favre story will serve as a distraction going into Monday night’s game with the Jets. This is purely a football issue. Favre has not exactly been burning things up with the Vikings. Is Minnesota paying all that money for someone who could be turning into a head case?

Will dealing with this Sterger thing, and any ramifications it may be having with his wife, affect his preparation and performance? Get it, Favre’s state of mind could impact the outcome of the game (duh).

Vikings-Jets is on ESPN’s “Monday Night Football.” The network will air approximately 2,350 hours of football-related TV/radio programming leading up to the tilt. That leaves them plenty of time to discuss this Favre thing.

I wonder if Terry Bradshaw is going to going to get FIRED UP about the Ol Gunslinger?