Using My Smarts — For Once

And to think during my formative years I used to annually buy the latest Madden/NHL/NBA/MLB/NCAA video games. I swear the depreciation on these games is worse than that of buying a new car.

If I only took that money I wasted during those years and invested it … well, it probably would have vanished in one of the stock market dips since 1994. At least with Lakers v. Celtics you could beat Michael Jordan in the playoffs. Take that, Blue Chips.

I still play sports games, but now I just buy a used copy of Madden/MLB/etc. and keep it for the life of whatever console I have. Besides, being a “franchise” freak, it’s not like I’ll go through 10 seasons of whatever sport I’m playing at the time in a weekend.

Test For Echo

Why is it I (and the rest of the first floor at my workplace) can hear my Hate Radio and Kill Whitey music just fine down the hallway thanks to the echo this hallway produces, but I can barely hear the same music/talk when I’m actually inside my office? Stupid sound dynamics.

No Way To Get Around Me Blasting My Horn

Sorry city crossing guard, but if you are going to direct someone to back up into me then I am going to blare my car horn nonstop. It’s not my fault the dumbass is blocking the intersection. You gonna pay ma’ bills?

Thing is this particular crossing guard I deal with during my morning commute is stationed on a busy intersection and isn’t a complete waste of space, unlike the other dozen or so crossing guards I encounter on a daily basis. But the minute you start infringing on my space/property, you will get the Car Horn of Doom.

Back In The Black, But Not By Much

The monthly budget looked much better before the four car tires, new garage door opener and visit from the bug man.

We still in the black, but now we’re Michael Jackson minus the sleepovers. I wanted to be Wesley Snipes. 😦

Cats Think Vacuums Suck

Today was cleaning day at the kkk Manor. This of course meant busting out the vacuum cleaner, much to the chagrin of the four-legged brood.

After cleaning the first floor, I proceeded upstairs to vacuum the spare bedroom and computer room. As I began in the spare bedroom, various members of the four-legged brood that were hiding in there suddenly ran for their lives as the vacuuming sequence began. Where did they go for refuge? Why to the computer room — the next place I was going to vacuum.

And they wonder why they are being “hunted.”

Like To Trade In This “Personal” Message

What was waiting for me in the mail today?

A letter from the local car dealership that ruined my previous automobile. This was another “personal” message to me from the asshats at the Kenny Ross Dealership (Rt. 30 in Irwin), stating that they were in “dire need” of “quality pre-owned vehicles.” They even said, “We might be able to reduce your monthly payment (if you trade-in your car).”

Considering my car is paid-in-full, if your monthly payment is currently $0, do they just give you money?

Not Slamming The Achievement, Just The Reaction

To all you Yankee fans having simultaneous orgasms over the whole three-grand-slams-in-one-game thing…

No team in major league history had hit three grand slams in a game before Yankees center fielder Curtis Granderson strode to the plate in the bottom of the eighth inning Thursday, the crowd at Yankee Stadium having been thinned, but the bases loaded one more time.

…remember that in the 1960 World Series the Yankees won three games by a combined score of 38-3 and lost four games by a combined score of 17-24. No matter the score, a win counts as 1 win and a loss counts as 1 loss.

Not hating on the pinstripes, mind you. Just want to keep thing in perspective.

Can’t Have Your Cake And Eat It, Too

The better half just got scolded at by a Ph.D. pencil pusher for having the audacity to take leftover cake from the university’s student lounge after some stupid student social event. At least now I know what the conversation will be on the drive home from work this afternoon.

Hello Dolley

So yesterday at work I had to move a bunch of heavy air conditioners, among other items. And I did it with no problems thanks to that wonderful contraptions called a dolley.

Funny how something called, “dolley” can make even the biggest girly man like me feel rugged.

At Least The Honeymoon Lodging Will Be Free, Although The Cells Will Probabaly Be Separate

One-thousand dollars? I don’t even spend that in three month’s worth of grocery shopping. Then again, I doubt these people were looking for sale items.

Oh, and I used to live in the region a decade-plus ago. Nice to know there’s a Wegmans there. Eh, it may have been there before. I didn’t pay much attention outside of the Weis store that was down the street from my apartment.

A couple of Pennsylvania newlyweds are behind bars after police say they were caught shoplifting food from a supermarket for their wedding reception.

The Centre Daily Times reports 32-year-old Arthur Phillips III and his bride, 22-year-old Brittany Lurch, were arrested Saturday after taking more than $1,000 in merchandise from a Wegmans supermarket in State College.

Patton Township police say the couple was captured on surveillance footage loading a shopping cart and leaving the store without paying.

The Centre Daily Times report (http://bit.ly/nlijHG ) says the Centre Hall couple admitted taking the items when arrested. Police say the newlyweds told officers they’d been married a couple days earlier and took the food for their wedding reception that afternoon.

They are charged with misdemeanor counts and are being held on $2,500 bail.

Liking A Restaurant Show? It’s Possible

So I was watching this new show called “Restaurant: Impossible” on the Food Network.

This could have potential.

From what I gathered, some guy visits struggling restaurants and instantly transforms them in a few days. What drew me in to the episode-and-a-half of what I watched wasn’t the food aspect of the show. Instead I was interested in the human element of the show and why these businesses were in dire straits. Many of the problems — failure to update, micromanaging owners, etc. — can also be found in other types of businesses.

In the episode I saw, this guy owned a restaurant for 30 years and refused to change. During most of the show he kept commenting on how all these changes are throwing away all his hard work. While I felt for the guy, the fact he was unwilling to change for all these years put him in his current situation. During the show, he said that he spent 20 hours out of your 100-hour workweek cutting meat. You think you could spend those 20 hours being a bit more productive regarding your store? Let your cooks do the basic prep and focus on other issues affecting your store.

Once again, while this is a “food show,” it’s also an interesting look at small businesses and some of the reasons they fail. And the business does not have to involve food.

Not Going To Bat With This Promotion

I’ve heard of minor-league teams holding crazy promotions. This doesn’t seems like one of those instances. It’s just … stupid.

The Newark Bears have scrapped plans to donate $2,000 to Mothers Against Drunk Driving on behalf of former New York Yankees World Series star Jim Leyritz.

The planned donation had sparked controversy because the team planned to announce it Thursday, the same night as a team-sponsored beer pong tournament promotion.

The team said Wednesday that it canceled after MADD said it would not accept the money.

Leyritz served as pitching coach for the Bears, who play in the independent Can-Am League. He’s leaving to spend more time with his family.

He was acquitted of felony drunk driving manslaughter charges stemming from a 2007 crash in Florida, but was convicted of drunken driving.

Leyritz told The Star-Ledger of Newark that he didn’t want to be connected to any event that promoted consumption of alcohol.

Will He Just Be Known As Joe?

No snide remarks here. Was never a big fan of Fat Joe’s work, but good for him.

Fat Joe is done being fat.

After losing seven friends last year to heart attacks – all in their 30’s, and six of whom were overweight — Joseph Antonio Cartagena has lost over 100 pounds.

Through a revamped diet and a rigorous exercise program, the Bronx native has lost a monumental amount of weight. But he is not yet done.

When asked if he had reached his goal, Cartegena said: “I’m not even nowhere near. I’m gonna go from the guy you know as Fat Joe for 16 years to a whole different, transformed person.”

Conspiracy Of God And Mother Nature?

To the conspiracy-minded people around the Internet: if God really wanted to destroy our government via earthquake, I think s/he would have done this when Congress was in session.

Then again, the Kenyan Koffee Fetcher wasn’t in DC when the earth moved…

And on a side note, here’s the current occupier of the White House preparing himself for a meeting with George Soros.

More Outrageous Kids Parties

So earlier this year I tuned into a show called “Outrageous Kids Parties.” Guess what’s back?

Maybe this will be the season where a parent mentions maxing out her kid’s Coverdell ESA before spending $30k on little Bobby’s Monster Truck Rally-themed preschool graduation spectacular.

Then again, maybe not.

And Here I Thought That Rumbling Was From My Stomach

So there was some sort of earthquake earlier today.

A 5.8 magnitude earthquake centered northwest of Richmond, Va., shook much of Washington, D.C., and was felt as far north as Rhode Island and New York City.

The U.S. Geological Survey said the earthquake was 3.7 miles deep. Shaking was felt at the White House and all over the East Coast, as far south as Chapel Hill, N.C. Parts of the Pentagon, White House and Capitol were evacuated. The quake was in Mineral, Va., in Louisa County.

Meanwhile, the strongest earthquake to strike Colorado in more than 40 years shook awake hundreds of people, toppled groceries off shelves and caused minor damage to homes in the southern part of the state and in northern New Mexico. No injuries were reported as aftershocks continued Tuesday.

Did I feel the vibrating sensation? Of course not. But my other co-workers who were in the office said they did. Guess that shows how much in-tune to my surroundings. Then again, the boss said she just thought her dog was scratching her desk or something and didn’t think anything of the earth moving.

How did I find out about this natural disaster? By noticing my Facebook news feed blowing up with earthquake status updates. It’s funny to think that 30 years ago the only way a person would know something happened is if he turned on the news or radio. I learned of this events just minutes after it happened.

Another something-something I noticed was that several people on my friends’ list were complaining about people calling into their offices/businesses and overloading the phone lines. What made me laugh was that phones calls were unable to be made yet Facebook updates were working just fine. Maybe a “post on your wall if you are still alive” emergency system would be more effective than I first thought.

Now did the kkk Manor survive the impact? Seems like it did. Of course it’s a pity the cats didn’t realize that they could have gotten away with knocking anything in the house onto the floor. They would have had an alibi for the day.

Moving Day In The City

Out-of-state license plates, commie bumper stickers, 20-30 added commuting minutes.

Gotta love college move-in week.

I have been driving into Pittsburgh dropping off and picking up the better half since 2004, so I’m all too familiar with when the college students arrive for spring and fall semester classes. Thankfully Mrs. kkk has been across the state this week on a work-related matter, so I haven’t had to drive into the city while the students are moving in. But the better half will be home in time for Wednesday through Friday.

Fun.

Only Three Injured? Well, This Is The Preseason

Didn’t Ray Lewis tell us that the crime rate would go up if the NFL would shut down due to labor strife?

And another thing, is it really worth getting all riled up for this year’s the Raiders or 49ers teams? Heck, they’re not even divisional rivals.

Police are investigating after fans at a preseason 49ers versus Raiders game turned violent in a series of incidents that included two parking lot shootings and a bathroom beating that left a man unconscious Saturday.

Two of the three men initially had life-threatening injuries but today were upgraded to fair condition, according to San Francisco General Hospital.

YouTube videos showed other rowdy fans captured at the event — an intense, multi-person fist fight occurred in the stands, and a man holding a beer and wearing a Raiders jacket yelled an obscenity at 49er players as he stood in the front row.

Guess Someone Watched A “Parking Wars” Marathon

So the kid two houses down from me wrote the better half a $5 littering ticket because somebody threw an empty pack of cigarettes onto our front yard.

Now it’s time to attach tape a similar citation to his bike parked in my next-door neighbor’s front yard.

Now If They Used Middle-Earth Elephants…

Dear Deadliest Warrior:

Genghis Khan vs. Hannibal may be an even worse reenactment than IRA v. Taliban. This is meant as a compliment, btw.

So far I’ve correctly guessed all the match-ups this season. Go me.

kkk’s Rule Of Life #85

If there is any possibility of you appearing on the Maury show as a guest, please don’t name your kid after one of the men accompanying you to the taping.

Backyard Factory Farming

Question: What do you call a vehicle with a bumper sticker titled “Eat Your Backyard” turning into a McDonald’s?

Answer: Just another observation during the work commute.

Spread The Grades Around

I can appreicate the thought, but with grade inflation everybody gets A’s anyway.

I think a better avenue to take would be to have all the students with scholarships help pay the tuition of the students without scholarships.

Then again, maybe if I was given the OK to “donate” a part of my gpa score to somebody, I may have done so. When I was in college, I often earned above a 3.5 gpa. So what if a dock off a few points? It’s my gpa; I do what I want — so long as the price is right. Free market, baby.

A California college student is conducting a social experiment where he’s trying to get his peers to sign a petition in favor of distributing grade point averages to show how the federal government distributes wealth.

Oliver Darcy, a recent college graduate, proposes that students with good grades contribute their GPA to their academically sluggish friends. He argues that this is how the federal government takes wealth from the country’s high wage earners and distributes it to the low income earners.

“They all earn their GPA,” said Darcy in an interview with “Fox and Friends.” “So we asked them if they’d be interested in redistributing the GPA points that they earned to students who may be having trouble getting a high GPA.”

Darcy, who films his encounters with teachers and fellow students, doesn’t have much luck selling this theory.

A Cool Bill

I’m a bit of an oddball. Yeah, big shock.

I don’t hate my bank. I like my cable service provider. And I’m actually … happy … about paying my highest electric bill of the year.

Living in southwestern Pennsylvania, the electric bill usually spikes during the months of July, August and September — mostly from the central air unit. This isn’t anything new to me. Since 2004 the electric bills have always followed this pattern.

Fast-forward to this summer. For the last month, it has been sweltering in the region. The AC unit which was recently purchases has been getting one helluva workout. So I have been curious to see what the bill would be this month, which is typically the highest of each year.

Well the bill finally arrived in the mail, and I was pleasantly surprised. I was way off in my bill prediction by more than 30 percent. And this was an actual meter reading, not an estimated one.

You know the feeling you get when you find a $20 bill in your coat pocket or in your jeans? Yeah, it was kinda like that — only multiply by five.

I gladly wrote out the check and mailed it in. With the weather being as hot as it has been, I will happily pay the piper if it means being comfortable in the house.

Chocolate City Thinning Out

If the government jobs start geting cut for real, I wonder if Chocolate City will make a comeback?

Months after the District’s “Chocolate City” moniker was melted by census figures showing that blacks’ share of the population fell to half as the white population reached one-third, detailed numbers released Thursday show that among young adults, whites outnumber those of all other races combined.

The new white residents are breeding, quite literally, another group, the numbers show: babies. With widespread gentrification in many parts of the city entering the better part of a decade, those who moved here as recent college graduates are beginning to have children and are increasingly staying put.

“Some of the things that made the neighborhood appealing for a young not-married couple, then a married couple here are still appealing to parents,” said Robin Leon, 34, as she walked her 10-month-old in a stroller near 14th and D streets Southeast.

Among 70,000 residents between 25 and 29 years old, 51 percent are white and 30 percent are black, census statistics released Thursday show, a higher percentage than in both Fairfax and Montgomery counties. Whites outnumber blacks of every age between 22 and 34 years in the District.

Though three-quarters of children 10 and up in the District are black, among those younger than 5, nearly a quarter are white, while 56 percent are black and 13 percent are Hispanic.

What remains to be seen is how many of the wealthy young adults who have embraced the District as their new home will stay when their children age. In the past decade, the District added 10,000 women and 7,000 men between 25 and 29, overwhelmingly white, and increasing numbers have remained and sent children to public school. The majority of these children, despite optimistic pledges by their parents, are just now approaching school age.

Here We Go In The Preseason

Seriously, do we really need to post on Facebook “Go *insert local team*” for an upcoming NFL PRESEASON GAME?

I can understand saying something like, “Here’s hoping nobody gets hurt,” but will your week really be shot to hell if your team’s second-stringers aren’t able to pull out the win against the other team’s second-stringers?

I Can Resist, But Sometimes There’s Nothing You Can Do To Keep Spoiler-Free

I’m not a person who buys video games upon immediate release. In fact, I don’t usually buy games until they are considerably marked down at a used CD/DVD/game store. When I was younger, I had much more time to play these things. Now that I’m older and wiser … older, I find my method of game-playing to be much more different than before.

Back in the day, I would play a half-dozen or so games all at once. Now I tend to go through one or two games at a time. And I really take my time in doing this. Usually, I just play on the weekend, which is fine. I’m supposed to be an adult, after all.

However, there are some downsides to playing games that are several years old. For example, I learned last night that via an off-hand comment on a G4 television show about what happens at the end of Resistance 2.

Guess which game I was just about to start playing?

Let’s Make It A Rule Not To Overregulate

I sure can’t wait until my health care is free.

At Wednesday’s town hall in Atkinson, Ill., a local farmer who said he grows corn and soybeans expressed his concerns to President Hussein about “more rules and regulations” – including those concerning dust, noise and water runoff — that he heard would negatively affect his business.

The Muslim Wookie Fucker, on day three of his Midwest bus tour, replied: “If you hear something is happening, but it hasn’t happened, don’t always believe what you hear.”

When the room broke into soft laughter, the occupier of the White House added, “No — and I’m serious about that.”

Saying that “folks in Washington” like to get “all ginned up” about things that aren’t necessarily happening (“Look what’s comin’ down the pipe!”), Osama’s advice was simple: “Contact USDA.”

“Talk to them directly. Find out what it is that you’re concerned about,” the Muslim Wookie Fucker told the man. “My suspicion is a lot of times they’re going to be able to answer your questions and it will turn out that some of your fears are unfounded.”

Call Uncle Sam. Sensible advice, but perhaps the president has forgotten just how difficult it can be for ordinary citizens to get answers from the government.

When this POLITICO reporter decided to take the Kenyan Koffee Fetcher’s advice and call USDA for an answer to the Atkinson town hall attendee’s question, I found myself in a bureaucratic equivalent of hot potato — getting bounced from the feds to Illinois state agriculture officials to the state farm bureau.

Here’s a rundown of what happened when I started by calling USDA’s general hotline to inquire about information related to the effects of noise and dust pollution rules on Illinois farmers:

Wednesday, 2:40 p.m. ET: After calling the USDA’s main line, I am told to call the Illinois Department of Agriculture. Here, I am patched through to a man who is identified as being in charge of “support services.” I leave a message.

3:53 p.m.: The man calls me back and recommends in a voicemail message that I call the Illinois Farm Bureau — a non-governmental organization.

4:02 p.m.: A woman at the Illinois Farm Bureau connects me to someone in the organization’s government affairs department. That person tells me they “don’t quite know who to refer you to.”

4:06 p.m.: I call the Illinois Department of Agriculture again, letting the person I spoke with earlier know that calling the Illinois Farm Bureau had not been fruitful. He says “those are the kinds of groups that are kind of on top of this or kind of follow things like this. We deal with pesticide here in our bureau.”

“You only deal with pesticides?” I ask.

“We deal with other things … but we mainly deal with pesticides here,” he said, and gives me the phone number for the office of the department’s director, where he says there are “policy people” as well as the director’s staff.

4:10 p.m.: Someone at the director’s office transfers me to the agriculture products inspection department, where a woman says their branch deals with things like animal feed, seed and fertilizer.

“I’m going to transfer you to one of the guys at environmental programs.”

4:15 p.m.: I reach the answering machine at the environmental programs department, and leave a message.

4:57 p.m.: A man from the environmental programs department gets back to me: “I hate to be the regular state worker that’s always accused of passing the buck, but noise and dust regulation would be under our environmental protection agency, rather than the Agriculture Department,” he says, adding that he has forwarded my name and number to the agriculture adviser at IEPA.

On Thursday morning, POLITICO started the hunt for an answer again, this time calling the USDA’s local office in Henry County, Ill., where the town hall took place.

9:42 a.m.: Asked if someone at the office might be able to provide me with the information I requested, the woman on the phone responds, “Not right now. We may have to actually look that up — did you Google this or anything?”

When I say that I’m a reporter and would like to discuss my experience with someone who handles media relations there, I am referred to the USDA’s state office in Champaign. I leave a message there.

10:40 a.m.: A spokeswoman for the Illinois Natural Resources Conservation Service calls me, to whom I explain my multiple attempts on Wednesday and Thursday to retrieve the information I was looking for.

“What I can tell you is our particular agency does not deal with regulations,” she tells me. “We deal with volunteers who voluntarily want to do things. I think the reason you got that response from the Cambridge office is because in regard to noise and dust regulation, we don’t have anything to do with that.”

She adds that the EPA would be more capable of answering questions regarding regulations.

Finally, I call the USDA’s main media relations department, based here in Washington, where I explain to a spokesperson about my failed attempts to obtain an answer to the Illinois farmer’s question. This was their response, via email:

“Secretary Vilsack continues to work closely with members of the Cabinet to help them engage with the agricultural community to ensure that we are separating fact from fiction on regulations because the Administration is committed to providing greater certainty for farmers and ranchers. Because the question that was posed did not fall within USDA jurisdiction, it does not provide a fair representation of USDA’s robust efforts to get the right information to our producers throughout the country.”

So, still no answer to the farmer’s question.

Couch Potato = Dead Spud?

Well if this were the case, I’d be dead already.

In case you needed more proof that watching excessive amounts of TV is bad for your health: new research shows that there is a correlation between the amount of time you spend in front of the TV and how long you live.

A study by researchers at the University of Queensland has concluded that, for every hour of television watched after the age of 25, the average human lifespan drops by 22 minutes. A person who watch six hours of TV a day will, on average, live five years less than people who spent less time on the couch and in front of the television screen. Those are some scary numbers.

The study tracked data from 11,000 Australian participants over the age of 25. It was published earlier this month in the British Journal of Sports Medicine.

I wonder if there are certain programs that worsen this ratio. I’m sure those who watch the news die sooner.

Of course, the real reason for the decreased lifespan is found in the next paragraph, but why let that get in the way of my news quip?

This study does not prove that TV is quietly killing us. It’s more likely that lack of exercise and bad eating habits are shortening the lifespans of TV couch potatoes.

Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due — Thanks God

There has only been one headline from The Onion that made me laugh and that was called, “Athlete Blames God For Loss.”

And now there have been two.

God Urges Rick Perry Not To Run For President
Describing Texas Gov. Rick Perry as grossly unqualified for the position, God, the Creator and Ruler of the Universe, urged Perry not to run for president of the United States Wednesday. “I prayed last night and asked the Lord to support my candidacy, and He said no,” Perry told reporters outside the Texas Capitol, explaining that God had cited the governor’s rejection of federal stimulus funds to expand state jobless benefits, his irresponsible speculation about Texas seceding from the union, and his overall lack of concrete solutions to the nation’s problems as reasons why He could not endorse a Perry presidential bid.

Eh, the actual article wasn’t all that good. “Overall lack of concrete solutions to the nation’s problems?” Guess Allah doesn’t have that problem with the current occupier in the White House.

But it’s the headline that people remember.

Oh, and while reading that article, I was immediately whisked away to this…

Neck A Tat-Tat

I’m not a big fan of tattoos. However, I don’t hate on them … much. I figure I have put enough permanent marks on my body over the years and don’t need to pay someone to do it for me. But if someone wants to brand himself, then yay.

However, neck tattoos. I don’t get them.

I’ve made jokes in the past to people who sported ink by saying, “Well there go any hopes of you getting a banker’s job.” It’s all in good fun. I actually do think tattooing is an art — at least for those that design creative images on people. But I just don’t get neck tattoos.

Call me a prude. Call me a puritan. Call me whatever. I just hope you enjoy being a Sandwich Artist.

Suh What?

So after the Lions/Bengals game, some national media talk centered around Ndamukong Suh and his hit on Bengals QB Andy Dalton.

Wednesday afternoon, the NFL fined Detroit Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh $20,000 for his hit on Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Andy Dalton. A few hours later, Suh reacted incredulously and then accepted a suggestion that he is the NFL’s version of Shaquille O’Neal.

“Shaq had the same problem when he was in the NBA,” Suh told Detroit-area reporters. “He kept playing. NBA Hall of Famer soon to come, one of the greatest big men I’ve ever seen, so I hope to follow in his footsteps.”

Unlike most of the commentary I have been hearing, I thought the hit WAS dirty and this could (and should) make Suh a target for the refs.

Here’s the video.

Now if Suh played back in the 1970s, that hit wouldn’t have been noticed. However, this is 2011. I guess what annoys me most about the, “he’s just playing the game how it’s meant to be played,” is I wonder if Suh would get the same fine amount had he done that to Tom Brady or Peyton Manning?

I think not.

Then why is it OK to do it to a lesser-known rookie quarterback?

A Hurricane’s Comin’

So it looks like Miami U is in a wee bit of trouble.

Former University of Miami booster Nevin Shapiro, now serving 20 years in federal prison, claims he treated athletes, primarily football players, to sex parties, nightclub outings, cash, cars and other gifts.

Shapiro told Yahoo Sports he provided improper benefits to 72 Miami athletes, mostly football players, from 2002-10. He also claims that at least seven coaches from the basketball or football programs had knowledge of his actions.

As I saw some of the ESPN coverage on this issue today, I had to laugh when just about every talking head I watched gave the players a free pass on the issue. I love the “they’re just kids” argument. These “kids” are 18-22 years old. Do they deserve all the blame? Heavens no. Do they deserve SOME blame? Yes.

I’m pretty much indifferent to the whole thing. It’s not like there is a actual champion in NCAA Football, anyway.

Not So Shore ANF Will Be On A Certain Program

I have never watched “Jersey Shore.” Well, actually, I did for about 5 minutes once and turned it off for good.

Mike “the Situation” Sorrentino may have to find some new attire for his “gym, tan, laundry” routine.

On Tuesday, clothing retailer Abercrombie & Fitch (ANF) said it would offer “substantial payment” to MTV’s The Jersey Shore’s cast members to stop wearing the brand on air.

“We are deeply concerned that Mr. Sorrentino’s association with our brand could cause significant damage to our image. We understand that the show is for entertainment purposes, but believe this association is contrary to the aspirational nature of our brand, and may be distressing to many of our fans,” an Abercrombie & Fitch spokesperson said in a statement. “We have also extended this offer to other members of the cast, and are urgently waiting a response.”

The reality show, currently in its fourth season, features hard-partying and hookups in locations ranging from the show’s origin, the Jersey Shore to the current season in Florence, Italy.

And then I got to this part.

The castmates have coined terms like “grenade”– to refer to an unattractive woman — and has come under fire for their liberal usage of words like “Guido” and “Guidette,” which many have argued as adhering to Italian-American stereotypes.

So I guess this means Abercrombie & Fitch sends out similar letters to rap artists whenever their products are featured in videos.

Are they? (I can’t remember the last time I watched a contemporary rap video.)

On a side note, if Covington ever tried stopping me from wearing its short-sleeved shirts, I’m in trouble.

Sort Of … A Rock God

This story carries the same weight for me as articles about politicians using American flags/poltical signs made in China.

Then why am I posting this?

So I can say the following: maybe the Kenyan Koffee Fetcher could get Michael Moore to film an online documentary of this Blunderbus Tour and outsource the editing/production north of the border.

President Hussein is barnstorming the heartland to boost US jobs in a taxpayer-financed luxury bus the government had custom built — in Canada, The Post has learned.

The $1.1 million vehicle, one of two that Quebec-based Prevost sold the government, has been tricked out by the Secret Service with state-of-the-art security features and creature comforts.

It’s a VIP H3-45 model, the company’s top of the line, and is used by major traveling rock bands.

“That’s the more luxurious model,” Christine Garant of Prevost told The Post.

Not Enough Justice In The World For This One…

And just think, if this guy (allegedly) committed this crime in Norway, he’d get 10-20 years at the most.

The mother of a 7-year-old boy whose dismembered body was found outside of her home tearfully recalled the joy she said he brought to her life.

Her remarks come a day after police charged a man, now identified as the boy’s father, with killing him.

Thibodaux Police say the boy’s father and their chief suspect has no history of mental illness. In his confession, he gave no explanation for why he killed his son, leaving his dismembered body on the side of the road.

Through tears Jesslyn Lirette remembered her son, a 7-year-old defenseless boy with cerebral palsy confined to a wheelchair known for his smile.

“He was my star,” she said.

A makeshift memorial now sits near where Jori Lirette’s dismembered body was found Sunday.

His father, 30-year-old Jeremiah Wright, was standing on the porch when police arrived. They say Wright told them the boy’s head was that of a CPR dummy.

“He was stoic. Emotionless. Non-confrontational,” said Thibodaux Police Chief Scott Silverii.

Showing Blistering Restraint

So remember that burn blister I got on my right pinky finger?

Well, it’s pretty much healed now. But most importantly, I think this is the first time I ever dealt with a blister without ripping it apart. The fact it was on my right pinky tip makes this achievement all the more impressive. It’s weird not having to deal with an uber-tender piece of ripped flesh with all sorts of ooze everywhere. It was quite the new experience.

But now comes a bigger test of my will. Last night I bought two bags of Chocolate Peanut Butter Bugles (sale and coupon of course), and I opened up a bag planning to have just one serving at at time.

Having consumed my first serving earlier tonight, this is going to make my lifelong battle with blister molestation a walk in the park.

Rehashing Rhetoric

So …where was the rhetoric?

President Hussein came face-to-face with the Tea Party last night in Iowa, clashing with a member during and after a town hall last night.

Ryan Rhodes, a group leader in the Hawkeye State, stood up and shouted a question during a town hall, asking the president how he can call for more civility when “your vice president is calling people like me, a Tea Party member, a ‘terrorist.'”

Osama, who had not called on the man, said the town hall wouldn’t work “if you just stand up when I asked everybody to raise their hand. … I didn’t see you. I wasn’t avoiding you. … Please.”

After calling another person, the Muslim Wookie Fucker circled back to address Rhodes’ question: “First of all, in fairness to this gentleman who raised a question, I absolutely agree that everybody needs to try to tone down the rhetoric.

“Now, in fairness, since I’ve been called a socialist who wasn’t born in this country, who is destroying America and taking away its freedoms because I passed a health care bill, I’m all for lowering the rhetoric.”

LOL, yeah. You weren’t avoiding him. Guess his question wasn’t on your teleprompter.

While I’m on the subject of the bucket of anal seepage currently occupying the White House.

The White House denounced Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry on Tuesday for his threatening remarks toward the head of the U.S. Federal Reserve that represented some of the most inflammatory rhetoric of the 2012 election campaign.

Campaigning in Iowa on Monday, the Texas governor said he would consider it “treasonous” if Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke “prints more money between now and the election” in November 2012 — a fresh sign of the political heat the central bank faces as it tries to right the stumbling U.S. economy.

“If this guy prints more money between now and the election, I don’t know what y’all will do to him in Iowa, but we would treat him pretty ugly down in Texas,” Perry said to laughter from supporters in Iowa.

“Printing more money to play politics at this particular time in American history is almost treacherous, treasonous in my opinion,” he said.

The White House responded by saying it is important for the Fed to remain independent, and jabbed back at Perry, who on Saturday entered the race for the Republican nomination to face Democratic President Barack Obama. Perry is already considered one of the strongest candidates for the Republican nomination.

“I certainly think threatening the Fed chairman is not a good idea,” White House spokesman Jay Carney said.

“When you are president or running for president, you have to think about your words,” Carney said in Iowa, where Obama was on a campaign-style bus tour.

This is the same administration whose second-in-command called Tea Partiers “terrorists” and whose Top Shitdick in charge that made a Nancy Reagan “Seance” joke during his first press conference as Occupier of the White House. Or how about this little gem from early this year?

Mobster wisdom tells us never to bring a knife to a gun fight. But what does political wisdom say about bringing a gun to a knife fight?

That’s exactly what the Kenyan Koffee Fetcher said he would do to counter Republican attacks “If they bring a knife to the fight, we bring a gun,” Obama said at a Philadelphia fundraiser Friday night. “Because from what I understand folks in Philly like a good brawl. I’ve seen Eagles fans.”

How uncivil.

Flash In The Pan

Behold, Lyndon B. Johnson, your Great Society in all its splendor.

Seriously, this store owner needs to close up shop and move to a more appreciative business district. Let this ghetto trash flash mob the local welfare office.

And LOL at the 0:50 mark with someone knocking an item onto the floor and another person picking it up and putting it back on the shelf.

Montgomery County police are investigating a robbery of a 7-Eleven in Germantown by more than two dozen people.

Police say the so-called “flash mob robbery” happened around 1:45 a.m. Saturday.

The group of about 24 people entered the store, stole snacks, drinks and other items and left after about one minute.

Police have identified several of the suspects through surveillance video.

A police spokeswoman says she doesn’t know how the robbery was organized.

He Shoots, He Scores?

Nate wasn’t the person who got called to take the shot. He should absolutely not get the cash prize. The only thing that would make me change my mind is if there is a clause in the contest rules that state someone my shoot in the place of the person who was originally called due to unavailability.

Between periods of a charity hockey game Thursday at Shattuck St. Mary’s, fans could buy a ten dollar raffle ticket for the chance to win $50,000.

The catch? Make an improbable shot. Shoot a puck from center ice into a 3 and a half inch hole in the goal. An 89 foot shot!

“A hockey puck is three inches wide and an inch high,” says Vinar, the organizer of the charity game. “The odds are like making a hole-in-one.” 11-year old Nick Smith from Owatonna was the lucky name drawn and the shot was made. One fan described the crowd as “louder than a Stanley Cup game.”

The amazing shot isn’t the entire story.

“I was outside when my name was called,” says Nick Smith. “So Nate took the shot in my place.”

No one suspected anything. Nate and Nick are twin brothers.

“I walked back in and my friend told me my brother made the shot,” says Nick. “I was shocked.”

Both brothers have played hockey since they were 3 years old, but both admit the shot was pretty lucky.

“I just lined up and yeah…made it,” says Nate. “I was pretty stunned.”

Nate and Nick’s dad came forward Friday and told event organizers that it was the other brother that made the shot. He told KARE-11 simply, “that’s the right thing to do.”

That Nate-for-Nick swap may mean they forfeit the cash prize, but either way the amazing sports memory has been made.

“If we get the money, we’ll save it for college,” laughs Nate. “It was pretty cool.”

kkk’s Rule Of Life #84

Only eat Dolphins that were caught in Tuna-safe nets.

Cutting A Rug And Chewing The Fat

So yesterday I was cutting a rug with the 14-year-old from the jobs/works program. No, seriously. We were literally cutting a rug. My office was getting a hardwood floor installed over the weekend and the boss told me to move out all my furniture and cut out the carpet.

While cutting up the carpet, we got to talking about some of my previous workplace experiences. I mentioned that during my high school years I used to work the closing shift to fast-food restaurants. The 14-year-old’s eyes lit up and said, “So you got to keep all the left-over food? That’s so awesome! I can’t wait until I’m old enough to do that.”

The youth emanate such a sweet nectar of naivete.

I also added that I used to do things to the food of customers who would piss me off. Yeah, I really shouldn’t have added that part. I can’t wait until she tells her mother what she learned at work that day.

Planning This Shopping Trip Is A Real Riot

So the looters, moochers and parasites of England are having their way with rioting.

A wave of violence and looting raged across London and spread to three other major British cities, as authorities struggled to contain the country’s worst unrest since race riots set the capital ablaze in the 1980s.

In London, groups of young people rampaged for a third straight night, setting buildings, vehicles and garbage dumps alight, looting stores and pelting police officers with bottles and fireworks into early Tuesday. The spreading disorder was an unwelcome warning of the possibility of violence during London’s 2012 Summer Olympics, less than a year away.

Instead of pointing out the feral underclass or going into great detail about the societal implications of these public disturbances, I’m going to address the big pictures.

If you decided to take part in a looting mob, what stores do you hit and what items do you get in compensation for your years of being oppressed by the Man?

First off, I would NOT venture into a local Walmart or Target store. My experiences at Black Friday shopping have shown me these are the LAST stores you should be near in these situations. I also would steer clear from electronics stores. Well, I might go into Best Buy if I wanted to take as much of the smaller merchandise as possible in the hope of selling it. But taking a big-screen TV? Don’t think so. I’m not walking down the street lugging this; it could get stolen from me or broken by the dumbmasses out and about.

While the thought of going into a Barnes and Noble to stock up on my CDs/DVDs is tempting, especially since I doubt looters would really go into a bookstore, I’m going to Kohl’s. Below are my reasons why:

1) There’s something for just about every room of the house. I probably wouldn’t get any clothes, but there are some household items that could come in handy. In addition, Kohl’s has some basic electronic items. I’m not a huge gadget geek; I’d glady get some of these items now if they weren’t so overpriced.

2) Because I believe in being as elusive as possible, Kohl’s big shopping bags will provide me with the opportunity to collect as much bounty as possible.

3) Much like Barnes & Noble, I doubt the looters, moochers and parasites would break into this store. If they did, my gut is telling me they would probably spend some time taking clothes. Because I would not be in this area of the store, the spill-off of leeches will help me when I’m looting in my own departments.

The saddest thing about all this? I’m using the same insight to this as I do with my Black Friday shopping excursions.

Breaking Taboos Between Vampire/Werewolf

So on the drive home from work earlier this week, the better half explained to me what happens in “Breaking Dawn.”

SPOILERZ AHEAD~!!!

So after Mrs. kkk was telling me about the “final batter” between … well whoever she was talking about … I asked her if Jacob (the werewolf) ends up with any booty. He does.

The baby between Edward (the EMO vampire) and Bella.

Que?

“He imprints her,” Mrs. kkk explained. Basically, this means Jacob found his soulmate. On an infant. The better half then went on to say that the baby vampire will grow up and when she’s old enough Jacob and her will be an item, or something like that. I don’t remember.

And you women accuse men of being into some weird shit.

Instructions Were The Destruction Of This Student

So I just learned that the 17-year-old who was at my workplace compliments of a local works program is illiterate. How was this discovered? Her inability to read an instructional manual aloud. Well, the first clue was she was trying to read the form from the Spanish portion of the manual. When we moved the manual over to the English section, she tried reading the instructions again. I don’t think she would have fared much better if the instructions were actualy in Spanish.

Now here’s what has me perplexed: how was she able to text for most of her time spent here?

Seriously.

Now granted “text-ese” can be classified as a language unto itself, but the cell phone keypads contain the same letters. Maybe there ought to be a “text language” section included with instructional manuals and similar documents.

Constitutional Checkpoint

The guy had the Constitution written on his torso. Of course he was deemed a security risk. The authorities did their job. Pretty open-and-shut if you axe me.

Authorities involved in the arrest of a protester who removed his shirt and pants at a security checkpoint at Richmond International Airport were doing their jobs and acted appropriately, a government attorney argued Wednesday in Richmond federal court.

Carlotta P. Wells, an attorney for the U.S. Department of Justice, argued in favor of a motion to dismiss Aaron B. Tobey’s lawsuit, which claims his constitutional rights were violated. Wells said Tobey had made his point by removing his shirt to display words from the Fourth Amendment written on his torso but went too far when he disobeyed a command to pass through a security scanner.

But Anand Agneshwar, an attorney representing Tobey in his lawsuit against airport and federal officials, said the 21-year-old Charlottesville man obeyed the commands of authorities. Agneshwar said it was the authorities who went too far by detaining Tobey for 90 minutes or longer with his hands cuffed behind his back.

“This was one long process to determine if this gentleman was a security risk,” Agneshwar told U.S. District Judge Henry E. Hudson.

Tyler Perry’s Station Of … ?

Tyler Perry is getting his very own network. I will gladly give up one of the 20 Jesus/public access channels on my Comcast lineup to quarantine all that quality programming.

Lionsgate is looking to follow Oprah Winfrey and launch a new cable TV network anchored by Tyler Perry.

‘Browns’ film is next pairing for Perry, Lionsgate5 Facts About Tyler Perry’Tyler Perry’ special promotes new film“Tyler is one of those rare resources that one could launch a channel with. We have a lot of options if we choose to go down that path,” Lionsgate CEO Jon Feltheimer told financial analysts Wednesday after posting a surprise first quarter profit on Tuesday.

Now let’s see how much of an audience he has.

Lionsgate has a first look deal with Perry and ten of his films that the mini-major has released since 2005 have grossed around $520 million at the North American box office.

Perry’s films, stage plays and DVDs have also sold more than 40 million DVD and digital units.

God bless him.

Recall Results Badger Some

Six badgers had guns pointed at their heads by Hobbit terrorists with $30 million to spend. When the smoke cleared, four were left standing and the defenses held.

Democrats failed late Tuesday in their effort to gain control of the Wisconsin state senate as Republican incumbents won four of six recall elections.

The outcome was a big setback for Democrats, organized labor, and progressive groups who’d sought retribution against six GOP allies of Gov. Scott Walker, who earlier this year enacted a labor law overhaul that ended collective bargaining rights for many public sector workers.

The recall elections attracted millions of dollars of investment from both liberals and conservatives across the nation.

Most at risk as voting started Tuesday appeared to be three Republicans, Alberta Darling, Randy Hopper and Dan Kapanke, all of whom had barely won their races in 2008.

Good job, Wisconsin. Now give at least one of those two fleebaggin’ fleebaggers the recall ban-hammer next week.

From First To Almost-Worst

Talk about a fall from grace.

After that 19-inning loss to the Atlanta Braves, the Pirates have been in a free-fall of epic proportions. From first-place to 9.5 games out.

I hate to say it, but it seems like that loss in Atlanta, coupled with that terrible game-ending call at the plate, took the wind out of their sails.

On the bright side, the Pirates did make a few trades before this collapse to make an effort to be more competitive. On the brighter side, from what I read, the team didn’t give up much to acquire Derrek Lee and Ryan Ludwick.

The team made (at the least) a token effort to upgrade the team for a division run and didn’t foolishly give away any of their prospects. For someone like me that has continually bashed the Pirates for dumb moves over the years, I have to give them credit.

Now was this surprising time atop the division a fluke or is the team getting better? Guess the answer will be more clear this time next year.

Natural Gas Endorsement

Well at least Barney Fwank let the better end of him have a say for once.

Live television has its drawbacks. A big one is that you never know when an accident might happen.

Exhibit “A”: Monday night’s “The Rachel Maddow Show” on MSNBC.

While talking to Madcow’s audience about jobs and unemployment, Rep. Barney Fwank, the Massachusetts Democrat, might have accidentally let one rip, so to speak.

You be the judge:

Rachel, I think we have to figure out what we do from here and you’re right, we’ve got to get some jobs

[… noise …]

And we have to deal with the debt and there’s one way to do it …

Fwank could not be reached for comment.

I think what makes the noise even more unique is that usually this particular orifice is plugged up.