Pumped Up About Commie Judges

So Andrea Yates is getting a new trial, but hey, look at this. A man charged with kidnapping, raping and killing 9-year-old Jessica Lunsford just had a judge say that his confession isn’t admissible in court because the cops didn’t grant him a lawyer. Although this guy will still “probably” (you never know with juries nowadays) be found guilty, shit like this only re-affirms my stance that if someone harms your family in any way you kill the fucker before some robed pinko decides that a “life” in “life sentence” means the lifespan of a fruit fly. And while I’m on the subject of judges, what the fuck?

A Creek County jury late Thursday convicted a former judge who was accused of exposing himself by using a sexual device while he presided over court cases.

Although it’s nice to know that WASPy professionals aren’t the only ones in trouble for whipping it out (allegedly, of course).

On March 30, Minnesota Timberwolves center Eddie Griffin was drunk and masturbating when he crashed his luxury SUV into a parked Suburban outside a store in Minneapolis, according to a lawsuit filed Thursday by the man whose Suburban was hit in the crash.

Picture This Religious Figure In Textbooks

So I watched O’Reilly the other day for the first time in a while, so I figured what the hell and turned on Hannity & Colmes last night. The topic they were bitching about for this particular segment was some hick school putting up a picture of Jesus. This of course brings the Separation of Church/State Nazis and my buddy the Fascist Barry Lynn. I swear to Christ (no pun intended) if I ever see this guy in real life I might take a shovel to his noggin. Anyway, what got my attention was when Alan Colmes said, when defending the Fascist Barry Lynn, the usual talking point of “what if other religions did this?” Alan then posed the question of whether or not Christians would be so accommodating if a picture of Mohammad was posted instead. Actually, I think that would be great if this…

…got posted in our government schools. And if any offended Muslims are reading this (and I doubt you are because one of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male is present him with any technology that was created after 400 A.D.), remember, this isn’t your sacred prophet. It’s Larry. So save your jihad for something else, like those people that molest produce in the grocery store for 20 minutes before putting the shit back down and leaving.

Swiss Cheese Defense On Penalty Kicks

I’m starting to tune out of the World Cup, but I found it funny that Switzerland, of all countries, had one of the top defenses in the tournament, not allowing a goal during its World Cup run. At least not during the regulation/stoppage time. Penalty kicks were another matter.

Don’t Double Down March Madness

This idea to double the number of teams playing in the March Madness Tournament is a really stupid idea. It’s bad enough many universities offer second-rate educations; they don’t need to have their second-rate basketball programs queering up everybody’s brackets. You want in the dance of 64 +1? Don’t lose during the regular season. This isn’t college football, where one win usually eliminates you from BcS consideration. Well, maybe if you’re one of those small conferences where only the conference tournament champion gets in. Then again, if you’re the top seed in the Colonial-West-Tech Conference and lose in your tournament’s championship game to a sub-.500 school, then what makes you think you’ll do any better against a Duke or Kansas?

2006 NBA Draft Observations

I haven’t watched the NBA Draft in years, but this time around I decided to give it a shot. Wow was it great, but for all the wrong reasons. Not only did we have Screaming A. Smith and friends telling every draft pick why they suck right when these players were living their life’s dreams, but we also had the New York Knicks draft a player who wasn’t even at this event, which was hosted at Madison Square Garden. I’m still trying to decide what I liked better: David Stern asking Dan Patrick when the ESPN crew will have something nice to say about one of the draftees, or the crowd’s reaction to the Knicks’ first-round selection. I don’t follow college basketball, so I have no idea which team “drafted best,” but it seems that the Trailblazers tried to give themselves a makeover with two top 10 draft selections. Also, how funny is it that a senior from Duke is going to be, according to the ESPN experts, the “leader” of the Atlanta Hawks?

Superman Isn’t So Super To Me

The new Superman movie is now playing, and the film’s actors and actresses are making their rounds on the talk-show circuit pimping it like any good spokesperson does. I must admit I’m not a big fan of Superman, or of comic book characters in general. I’m not going to diss comic books, but they’re just not my thing. I bought some as a kid, but found video games to be more of a priority with my limited resources. I must say though that I have always been partial to Batman, and I used to own a few of his comic books as a kid. Another character I liked was the Punisher. I read somewhere that Frank Castle was the only Marvel “superhero” who was a normal human being; no superpowers – just lots of guns. Whether or not that’s true, I don’t know. There was another comic book character I read some of when I was a kid, and that was Sgt. Rock. Basically, this was a WWII character and he killed lots of Krauts and had some pseudo-fling with a French chick. The reason I remember this guy is because the one time I went to a comic book fair/convention as a kid I was able to buy a dozen or so of his older editions for just a few dollars. Oh, and if you haven’t seen this Web site before, I recommend it wholeheartedly; be warned, you won’t see Superman the same way ever again.

Defense Lawyer Being Hard On A Defendant

I haven’t watched Bill O’Reilly’s show in a while, and last night I tuned into a segment where he was talking with two defense lawyers about Rush’s latest, err, run-in with the law. While it’s the typical formula for a cable news program to have guests with differing points of view, I found it funny that one of the defense lawyers was basically saying Rush was totally at fault and how he was responsible for the whole predicament, tossing away any idea that the local Palm Beach powers-that-be might be on a witch hunt of sorts. Now I don’t care about this story; I don’t even care what your opinion is of this incident. What I found hilarious was that a DEFENSE LAWYER was putting the blame on the DEFENDANT in this situation; it was odd hearing from one of these bottom-feeders to say that a “law-breaker” got what he deserved.

Wedding Cake Consumption

If your better half wants to take a portion of your wedding cake, stick it in the freezer and consume it on your one-year anniversary, do yourself a favor and don’t swallow. Trust me on this one.

Preferred Workday Absence Runner-Up

I said a while ago about how if I had my choice to take a workday off it would be Monday. This is because it’s nice to have the three-day weekend and arrive to work with only four more days until the next break. However, I think my second choice of days would be Wednesday. This is because it nicely breaks the workweek up into a couple of two-day parts. Why do I mention this? Take a guess.

Bullshit Arrest

Some guy could face jail time for writing “BULL (expletive) MONEY GRAB” on the memo line of a check he sent to pay for a parking fine.

Crap.

Every once in a while I write something stupid on my check’s memo line. Most of the time if I’m paying my local quarterly tax it’s usually something dumb like, “Making sure the Man doesn’t throw me in jail,” but there have been a few instances when I’ve been quite rude, especially when I was paying for some bullshit fee, service charge or hidden cost I was hit with. It’s times like this when I look back on and realize if I ever decide to run for public office I wouldn’t last more than a week in the public spotlight.

Should The DH Be A Full-Time All-Star Position?

Over at another blog there was a discussion that the designated hitter position should be kept for All-Star games. Having spent about 4-5 seconds thinking about this topic, I think the DH rule should be used depending on where the All-Star game is being held. If the game is being played in an American League field, use the extra bat. If the game is held on a field from the Senior Circuit, make the pitchers earn their keep. Personally, I think the Designated Hitter is nothing more than a way to keep beefy ballplayers with bad knees from having to earn their paychecks out in the field, but that’s what you get with unions. While I’m on this subject, one thing that has to go is this hippie “the winning league at the All-Star game gets home-field advantage in the World Series.” All-Star games are meant to be an exhibition. If you really don’t want to have one of these contests run out of pitchers in extra innings, then don’t feel obligated to play every person on your roster within the course of nine innings.

Attacking The NY Slimes

I’ll tell you what. After listening to W. tear into the N.Y. Slimes for publishing a program that monitors international banking transactions, I wish he got pissed off every time he spoke in public.

President Bush on Monday criticized newspapers for exposing a secret U.S. government program that monitors international banking transactions, calling the disclosures a “disgraceful” act that could assist terrorists.

Bush made his remarks during a White House meeting with organizations that support the war in Iraq, echoing comments Friday from Vice President Dick Cheney and conservative commentators. They had condemned the reports last week in the Los Angeles Times, the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal and other media outlets.

I can’t wait for the next terrorist attack to hit this country, if only to hear the Slimes and other Medium-Large Media allies wonder why the government didn’t do more to gather up intel that could have prevented the attack. Better yet, hopefully Abdul will blow himself up inside the Gray Lady’s headquarters.

Dropping The Democrat, If In Name Only

The Johnstown Tribune-Democrat, in the midst of a design change, might drop the “Democrat” from its name.

Johnstown’s newspaper has been officially called The Tribune-Democrat for decades, but that name could be trimmed to simply The Tribune as part of a new design being introduced next week.

Some readers and employees object to dropping the word “Democrat” from the masthead, saying the possible change smacks of politics, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reported Sunday.

In a recent internal memo, publisher Chris Voccio listed several reasons for changing the name, including an effort to avoid any appearance of political party affiliation.

There has been confusion over the paper’s name for years, with many people calling it The Tribune out of habit or as a kind of shorthand, he said.

The official name of the newspaper has been The Tribune-Democrat since 1952, when the afternoon Tribune merged with the morning Democrat. The two papers were previously competitors.

Voccio downplayed the name change Friday, saying it was “really not a political thing,” and that the paper would be returning to its “ancestral name” by dropping the word “Democrat.”

A decision about the name will be made this week. The new design is scheduled to be unveiled next Sunday.

Hopefully, this won’t be the only Democrat in the region dropped this year -– Johnstown, Pa., is home to John Murtha.

In A Rush For An Erection

Rush, Rush, Rush, what am I ever going to do with you? I guess I should be grateful that you weren’t caught with Oxycontin.

Rush Limbaugh could see a deal with prosecutors in a long-running prescription fraud case collapse after authorities found a bottle of Viagra in his bag at Palm Beach International Airport. The prescription was not in his name.

Limbaugh was detained for more than three hours Monday at the airport after returning from a vacation in the Dominican Republic. Customs officials found the Viagra in his luggage but his name was not on the prescription, said Paul Miller, a spokesman for the Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office.

Oh well, I might as well get this one out of the way: “I always knew he was a member of the hard Right, but this is taking it a bit too far.”

Normal Mode(m) Of Workplace Idiocy

You know one of the things I love about the workplace? When you interview for a job, get a rundown of your duties and agree on a wage, only to discover that your employer neglected to inform you of the thirty other job responsibilities assigned to you. Better yet, they let you know of these newfound duties when whatever you’re responsible for breaks down. This happened to me the first time our office DSL service went kaput. You see, because I don’t fear computers (much), I’m the official IT guy. Of course, I didn’t learn of this until after the first time the DSL stopped working. Now, after many months of intensive study and rigorous training, I have developed a way to fix the many instances when our organization’s Internet setup goes haywire. You ready? Well, here’s what I do. I hope you’re sitting down for this.

I unplug the modem. Wait a few seconds. Replug.

That’s it.

And I’m the only person capable of doing this.

I swear to fucking Christ I don’t understand how our place stays in business. Whenever the Internet/e-mail is down for more than 30 seconds, I get a phone call saying, “OMG THE INTERNET IS DOWN~!” I then have to drop everything I’m doing, walk up two floors to the main office, unplug the fucking modem, wait a few seconds, and then replug it back in, all the while everyone else just sits there not having a fucking clue as of what to do. I’ve tried explaining to these people that every time I call Verizon DSL tech support, the first thing they tell me to do is unplug the modem and see if service gets kicked back on. EVERY FUCKING TIME I have had to call Verizon regarding this matter, this is what they tell me to do, and 99.9% of the time it has worked. When I ask why this happens, I don’t get a coherent answer. Of course, nobody else in our organization is capable to performing the technical magic I can. I have even offered to show people, free of charge, the complex task of UNPLUGGING AND REPLUGGING THE FUCKING MODEM. However, since this is “my job,” nobody else is able to shoulder this burden.

The last time I called off work our precious Internet service went down during my absence. I heard the next day that the Internet service was down for more than FOUR HOURS, all because nobody bothered to UNPLUG AND REPLUG THE FUCKING MODEM. I guess I should feel grateful that I’m such a valuable part of the team, but trust me hearing “OMG THE INTERNET IS DOWN~!” and having to walk up two stories just to UNPLUG AND REPLUG A FUCKING MODEM can get a little tedious, especially when I have actual work that needs to be done.

Why am I talking about this? Because this shit happened today. I was away from my office for about 45 minutes putting together a mass-mailing project. Now even though we have a midget who is supposed to be in charge of all postage matters, let’s just say I’ve learned to live by the saying of, “if you want a job done right do it yourself.” (And also because one time when he took several weeks to mail out something I needed sent ASAP due to the fact he was too fucking lazy to move a piece of equipment that weighed less than 10 lbs to get the thing that needed mailed, I was told to “go fuck myself.”) So there I was doing my thing, and after 45 minutes of work I went up to the third floor to weigh all the parcels I was sending out. Suddenly, I heard it. “OMG THE INTERNET IS DOWN~!” I was then informed that the Internet had been down for 40 MINUTES. I said that I’m already in the midst of another “crisis,” and that I can only handle one earth-shattering moment at a time. I promised that after I was done with what I was working on I’d get right onto the Internet catastrophe. After driving to and from the post office I took a 20-minute poop. Well the actual act of pooping only lasted about 30 seconds. The rest of the time was spent reading the rest of my Sunday Tribune-Review that I brought with me to work. You’ll be pleased to know that, after nearly 75 minutes of downtime, I was able to fix the precious Internet. How did I do it? Why, I UNPLUGGED AND REPLUGGED THE FUCKING MODEM.

Thank God I’m two floors away from just about every one of my co-workers.

Not Horsing Around

First soccer players are head-butting opponents. Now jockeys are head-butting their horses.

Jockey Paul O’Neill was given a one-day ban Thursday by the sport’s governing body for head-butting his horse before a race.

The Horseracing Regulatory Authority reviewed TV footage of the incident at a race in Stratford on July 23 before reaching its verdict.

TV replays showed the horse, City Affair, being unruly in the parade ring, ultimately throwing O’Neill. The 26-year-old Irish jockey got to his feet and grabbed the reins, before lowering the butt of his helmet into the horse’s nose.

A Seinfeld/Customer Service Moment

Well I had a Seinfeld moment yesterday. The better half and I decided to take our separate bank accounts and merge them into one. When we went to her bank to close out her account, and withdraw the whopping $1.50 from her savings account (OK, she also had her most recent paycheck in there, too), we approached this bank teller who looked to be in her early 20s. As this relatively thin woman nervously typed in some numbers on her computer, one thing above all else stuck out at me. She had Man Hands. God damn were they Man Hands. How these sausages managed to push down only one key at a time were beyond me. The reason I noticed these Man Hands was because we were at her station for at least 10-15 minutes. The reason? She didn’t know the first thing about closing an account and had the old “Customer Service Representative in headlights” look. I’m not complaining, mind you, because this “headlights” feeling is one of the worst things anyone can experience, outside of unsuccessfully trapping a soccer ball with your inner thigh without wearing a jock strap. It’s funny when I hear some people who have never worked a customer-service job in their life complain when a cashier took longer than four seconds to give out proper change. Look, I know there are dipshits out there ringing registers, but not every cashier is a high school dropout who can’t perform basic match. My theory as to how normally bright people can suddenly clam up in situations like this isn’t because they can’t do the job, it’s that they aren’t used to be put on the spot like this. It’s like having to perform improv in front of an audience, and many people, especially if they’re new to something, just aren’t cut out for that sort of thing.

Believe me, I know this feeling. There’s nothing like thinking you can answer just about anything a customer asks you, and then getting thrown for a loop with the first customer of the day who asks you something. The only way to deal with these types of experiences is to live through them. For me the most aggravating of these situations is when you are giving a customer change and they throw the old “here’s a few extra dollars, now give me a $10 bill instead of $5 and three $1s. Like I said before, the actual math of this equation is simple enough, but when you’re into hour seven of your shift, have four other people waiting in line, and have another customer asking you a question about something else, it’s easy to get flustered. And when you pause for a few seconds to get an idea of what’s going on, the spotlight suddenly shines brighter on you, and your every action and reaction is being judged by a bunch of people who think you’re not worthy of earning your $6/hour wage. For the record, my way of dealing with this is to not let the customer’s “extra $2” get anywhere near the $8 in change I was about to give him. Once that transaction was complete, I would then take the $10 in loose bills, put it in my register, and give out a $10 bill. Simple, effective and foolproof. And the only way I learned this was by trial and error, and then even more error.

Back to the bank. So when this teller looked around for someone to help her out with a procedure she probably never had to do, and was only trained on for a few minutes when she started this job, what did I do? I stepped aside and worked on something else, trying to make her uncomfortable situation a little more bearable. I don’t know if it helped any, but it had to have been better than if I were to stand over her and impatiently tap my fingers on her counter.

Hard Times For Penile Implant Customer

I can’t opine on this article, because I cringe every time I start reading the story. Sorry.

A former handyman has won more than $400,000 in a lawsuit over a penile implant that gave him a 10-year erection.

Charles “Chick” Lennon, 68, received the steel and plastic implant in about two years before Viagra went on the market. The Dura-II is designed to allow impotent men to position the penis upward for sex, then lower it.

But Lennon could not position his penis downward. He said he could no longer hug people, ride a bike, swim or wear bathing trunks because of the pain and embarrassment. He has become a recluse and is uncomfortable being around his grandchildren, his lawyer said.

…

The implant consists of a series of plastic plates strung together with steel surgical wire, almost like a roll of wrapped coins. Springs press against the plates, creating enough surface tension to simulate an erection, D’Alessandro said.

ACLU Double-Speak

It’s nice to know that the ACLU, the supposed defenders of the freedom of speech, sue school boards when they remove books about the happy life of Commie Cubans, stating that “the school board should add materials with alternate viewpoints rather than remove books that could be offensive.” But yet the ACLU wants to impose a speech code forbidding its individual directors from publicly stating their disagreement with an ACLU decision or policy.

The American Civil Liberties Union is weighing new standards that would discourage its board members from publicly criticizing the organization’s policies and internal administration.

“Where an individual director disagrees with a board position on matters of civil liberties policy, the director should refrain from publicly highlighting the fact of such disagreement,” the committee that compiled the standards wrote in its proposals.

“Directors should remember that there is always a material prospect that public airing of the disagreement will affect the A.C.L.U. adversely in terms of public support and fund-raising,” the proposals state.

Given the organization’s longtime commitment to defending free speech, some former board members were shocked by the proposals.

My Editorial On A Left-Wing Rag

Remember a while back when I was torn between which local publication to get my weekly coupons from — the Shittsburgh Post-Gazette, which is a liberal rag; or the Shittsburgh Tribune-Review, who pissed me off regarding my subscription. Well, a recent editorial by the Post-Gazette has once again given the Trib a few more points in the “keep and re-subscribe” category. For those that don’t know, there’s this guy in Philadelphia that has a cheese steak shop which has the sign: “‘This is America. When ordering, ‘Speak English.’ “

Apparently, the Post-Gazette, with a headline titled “On immigrants, Santorum sends a worrisome sign,” sides with the chairman of the Pennsylvania Human Relations Commission, who said, “Even though this may not have been the intent of Geno’s, the presence of the sign harkens back to a time when signs stating, ‘no colored allowed,’ ‘Whites only,’ ‘no Jews,’ or ‘no Italians or Irish need apply,’ often greeted patrons of public places.” Whatever, you fucking dipshit. What also made me laugh was the Gazette’s comment of “Mr. Vento remains defiant, while conservative commentators and others upset about the presence of illegal immigrants rally to his cause.” Yeah, those wacky extremists that think people coming across the U.S. border is a bad thing.

Deport This Depot Ad

One radio commercial that has been annoying me lately are these ads for the Home Depot. The people in these ads talk about how great it’s going to be to get a new BBQ set or some refurbished room. When they list the reasons why this is going to be great, the last, and “most important,” thing they say is, “Best of all, I won’t have to pay a thing for it until 2007.” Yeah, and then when 2007 comes around you still won’t have the money for pay for whatever you purchased and fall even deeper in debt. Just because spending money you don’t have works in the public sector doesn’t mean you’ll be able to get away with it in the real world.

Adjusting Gameplay Is The MVP Of This Game

So I’ve gotten to the last week of April for my MVP 2005 franchise, and I’m really digging playing every game in my organization, from the A-Lynchburg Hillcats to the Shittsburgh Pirates. When I play Madden or NHL’06 I wait until the end of the season to tweak sliders, although with MVP I’ll be doing this every month of the season. The games are realistic for me except for the fact I can’t hit a home run if my life depended on it. For instance, the “slugger” on my Pirates team with one (maybe even two!) dingers is Benito Santiago. However, last night’s win with the AAA-Indianapolis Indians showed me who my newest slugger could be: Pitcher Joe Roa, who last night belted a three-run homer. Oh well, I’ll take any round-tripper I can get. I’m also going to have to tweak the pitching and base stealing sliders a bit, but the lack of home runs are really what’s killing me. Although my games are tilted toward 3-1/5-2 contests, I’ve always been partial to pitching duels rather than home-run derbys anyway.

The Underbelly Of Inter-League Play

Once again ESPN is showing its bias toward the heartland of this country. This network pops wood every time the Yankees and Red Sox meet up, and I’ve had it with this preferential treatment. I mean, the Pirates and Royals just wrapped up their inter-league series and I didn’t see a blip of coverage on this clash of the Titans. Ohhhh, Roger Clemens is pitching in Houston again. Fuck that. You can have your “Rocket Returns,” storyline; give me Freddy Sanchez fielding a ball and throwing it to first base. Give me Paul Maholm pitching 4.3 innings while only giving up seven runs. Damn you East-Coast bias.

And Speaking of baseball, here’s the neat thing about the sport. The Chicago White Sox just swept the St. Louis Cardinals. The first two games they won 20-6 and 13-5. The third they won 1-0. You never know what you’ll get with each game. UPDATE: Just heard the Cards accused the Sox of stealing signs for the first two games, lol.

Neighbors Are For The Dogs

The other day I talked about my groundhog-killing neighbor. Now time to talk about the other residence next to me. When it comes to neighbors I’ve learned that it’s best to just keep to yourself and leave them alone. If they want to be friendly and chat every now and then, that’s fine, but it’s been my experience that most people don’t want to be bothered. Anyway, ever since these people moved in about a year or so ago I haven’t said two words to them. Their dog, on the other hand, won’t shut up any time I come in within 200 feet of her; the dog’s name is Clowly, so I’m guessing it’s a female. So last night I was watering this portion of the back yard that has recently been re-seeded, and Clowly gets let out on her chain. Of course she barks the entire time I’m out there, which doesn’t bother me. However, as I was wrapping the garden hose up and taking it into the garage, these neighbors start yelling at the dog for barking and take her back in. Uh, you did NOTHING for the 10 minutes I was out there when your dog was yapping away, and now that I’m done you decide you can’t take the noise anymore and bring the dog back in? If you would have waited another minute or two, your dog would have quieted down, and you wouldn’t have had to try and pretend like you give a shit about your pet, or what she does outside.

Hogan Passing The Torch To Another Home Owner

Back when I used to watch professional wrestling, I remember that Torch Web site had this feature when Wade Keller would let us all know how wrestling had been accepted into the mainstream every time some actor bodyslammed a villain on TV or when some kids at a local mall would tell girls walking by to “suck it.” I have no idea where I’m going with this but Hulk Hogan has just put his mansion near Tampa on the market for $25 million.

Son Of Former Governor Is A WMD For Santorum’s Re-election Chances

Rick Santorum, I love you and all (in a non-homo way, of course), but letting us know that there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq isn’t going to erase that 18-point lead Bob Casey, Jr. has on you in the ’06 election.

During Wednesday’s debate on Capitol Hill on whether to resolve to remove U.S. troops from Iraq by a time certain, Sen. Rick Santorum, R-Pa., resurrected the Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD) issue, pointing out the claim by several Senate Democrats that no WMD had been found in Iraq is disproved by a declassified document – according to a Fox News report.

Face it, there’s no way you are going to beat the son of a popular former governor. Not only did you piss off your base by supporting Arlen Spector in the 2004 GOP Primary over conservative Pat Toomey, but the moderate Democrat voters are going to side with Junior because he calls himself pro-life, which I guess passes as being “moderate” enough to be a moderate Democrat, even though I’m sure he’ll just tote the party line in any abortion-related vote to reach the Senate. Add to this mess that Ed Rendell will be bringing up the dead in his ’06 re-election bid and you’re looking at a recipe for an election-night loss. You served two terms. Good job. Now go out, get a more lucrative job, and feed your 20 kids while this state continues to go down the shitter by electing Democrats.

They Are The Champions

All good things must come to an end, and around this time every year a little piece of me dies inside because the NBA and NHL playoffs conclude. This year had both leagues experience exciting match-ups, even in their respective final rounds. Normally, after the first two rounds of each league’s playoffs, I tend to tune in and out for the rest of their seasons. This year, however, was different.

NHL: Like I said in a previous entry, this was one contest where I didn’t know who to cheer for when it came to the Stanley Cup Finals. There were a number of Hurricane players that I remember from my childhood, but how can you not cheer for the low seed that scratched and clawed its way to a Finals berth? I think in the end I was pulling for the Hurricanes to take this one. Edmonton did themselves in by having their goalie Dwayne Roloson hurt during Game 1. For all those that want to put the blame on the backup goalie who made that puck-handling blunder late in Game 1, I say leave him alone. God knows when he saw any real ice time before that, and they expected him to take a close Game 1 in stride? If blame is to be laid anywhere, it’s that Oilers player that knocked an opponent into Roloson, knocking him out for the rest of the Finals. After that “gimmie” win, the Oilers gave Game 2 away as well. However, you have to hand it to Edmonton — most teams would have just packed their things and went home. To dig out of a 0-2 deficit and take the series to seven games says a lot about the character of that team. However, like I said before, in the end it was nice to know that Rod Brind’Amour and Glen Wesley finally got to lift the Stanley Cup up, especially Wesley. Back in the ’90s I was a Bruins fan and felt bad seeing him and Ray Bourque always come up short. When Bourque finally won with Colorado, all that was left was for Wesley to get the chance to give Lord Stanley a smooch.

NBA: I’m not sure what was more remarkable — the Heat winning three on their home court and going on to best Dallas in Game 6, or the Mavericks coming two and three-quarters games away from taking a commanding 3-0 series lead only to crash and burn. I wasn’t sure which team was going to win Game 6 at first. Dallas had the upper hand midway through the second quarter, but then I got up to scoop some litter boxes. When I returned the Heat were leading by a point. It was then, with a plastic bag filled with soiled clumpable litter that I knew the Heat were going to win their first championship later that night. However, the real highlight of this series came when Mavericks owner Mark Cuban was answering questions from the media after a loss. One reporter asked him if this is the worst loss he ever experienced and Cuban responded by saying something like, “No, one time in my Pee-Wee league we lost a game with two seconds left.” Like Cuban or not, that’s a great answer. I’m not sure what to make of this guy; some people like him because he’s different from just about every pro sports owner out there — others think he’s full of shit and needs to check himself before he wrecks himself. While I’m sure he’s a phony in some aspects of his public image, I’d rather have him signing paychecks to a team than Bill Bidwell of the Arizona Cardinals or Donald Sterling of the Clippers.

See both of you leagues next year.

State Politicians < Tattoo Artists

So I heard that the Pennsylvania’s Speaker of the House who helped organize some bitch-ass legislator pay raise a year or so ago held a recent news conference. He defended this raise, which took place in the middle of the night, by saying that cow milkers in one county made $55,000/year. This article went on to say that the average Pennsylvania wage was $38,000 in 2005. However, even if a cow milker did make $55,000 – so fucking what? You bitches in Harrisburg make more than $70,000/year, and this doesn’t include the per diems, free vehicles, mileage, and other perks. Oh, and this line made me laugh, too.

When I see a tattoo artist in the city of Philadelphia makes more than a legislator, I think there’s a problem.

Once again, so fucking what? If that tattoo shop owner provides a service that his customers appreciate, runs his business, pays his taxes, and makes a nice profit from this profession, then more power to him (or her). What has the Pennsylvania legislature done, besides raise my taxes? Faggot-ass bitches.

Here’s another gem this asshole said:

“We have roughly 30-some members who can’t apply for credit because their credit’s so bad.”

If my state representative can’t make do on $70k/year, then I sure as hell don’t want him to oversee fiscal responsibility of the ENTIRE STATE. Then again, maybe this is just on-the-job training for a Congressional or Senate campaign.

The Buckeye Stops Here

So before this years’ NFL draft there was talk around Shittsburgh about getting Lendell White from USC with the Steelers’ first-round pick. However, the problem was, at least to all the so-called “experts” around these here parts, that White came with some personal baggage (or something of that nature; I don’t know this player so I’m just repeating what was said around here). So with their first pick, Shittsburgh picked some receiver from Ohio State. And what does this guy do over the Father’s Day weekend? Why, he gets arrested for domestic violence. I’m sure a contemporary, understanding family like the Rooneys will understand the hardships of today’s NFL players. Contract talks should be more interesting; at least this got Big Ben’s motorcycle accident off the front page for now.

Ground(hogging) Bad Behavior

So the weather is nice outside, and that means the groundhog that lives under my shed is starting to venture out, much to the dismay of my next-door neighbor, some old guy named Steve. He doesn’t care too much for the groundhog because he has this mini-garden in which I guess the groundhog helps himself to every now and then. When I first moved here in 2004 Steve told me that there used to be another groundhog living in my yard, along with some baby groundhogs. After successfully catching the female groundhog in some cage trap, he killed it and took the babies out to some field. Now I like Steve and all, but he seemed taken aback when I replied, “Why did you have to do that for?” Seriously, what was the point of letting out some baby groundhogs after you killed their mother? I could understand leaving them all out in a field, but you pretty much gave the younglings a death sentence. This may be the hippie inside of me speaking, but why whenever we’re inconvenienced in the slighted by some animal just trying to survive there’s this inclination to kill? If only we could be that flexible with the human race. A while back I talked about this in message board thread, and my opinions on this matter haven’t changed; in fact, they probably got worse in regards to my feelings on the human race. Here’s what I said:

Yesterday the better half and I had our engagement pictures taken. We were at some park with a big-ass lake. Anyway, we were with our photographer and we started talking about how a few years ago our local government brought Canadian Geese back to the area and now the park is “overpopulated” with them and now the government is trying to get local hunters to take them out. I said “It’s too bad we can’t do this to the inner city. ‘Oh, there’s too many people in this building *makes machine gun sound.*'”

As for the male groundhog, I saw him out yesterday afternoon munching on some grass, walking right by the trap Steve has laid out for him, which is on my property. I doubt he’ll go into that contraption, seeing what it did to his former shed-mates. However, if I ever do see him in that cage, he’s going to be released, not killed.

Whoever Edited This Game Should Be Put In Time-Out

Because I wake up at the butt crack of dawn for work, I normally don’t get to watch sporting events that take place past 10 p.m. However, several times this NBA season I got to watch the Finals on replay early in the morning. But this I don’t get: ESPN cuts the running time of the previous night’s Finals game because of time constraints. Understandable. But what don’t they cut? The 20 minutes spent taking time-outs at the end of a close game. Can’t we skip the sideline huddles and watch more on-the-court action; even it wasn’t taking place during the last minute of a game?

Adjusting My Rage To Red-Faced Over Irresponsible Home Owners

OK, I feel for people who fall onto hard times, but there’s a difference between “hard times” and “being an idiot.” I was reading Sunday’s local newspaper, and there was this article about how more people are getting their homes foreclosed (damn you George W. Bush and your tax cuts for the rich). The reasons? Well, there are layoffs. I’ll buy that one. Cost of utilities? OK, now you’re starting to lose me. If you can’t afford a rise in your electric bill or afford gas that’s a dollar or two more per gallon than it was a few years ago, then you certainly can’t afford, and shouldn’t have purchased, a $100,000+ house. However, what made me outright yell at this article was the following:

A growing number of homeowners are relying on adjustable rate mortgages, catching some people by surprise when their monthly payment rises.

Well no fucking shit. Anyone that gets an adjustable rate mortgage has no reason to bitch when interest rates go up and you have to pay more for your mortgage payments. That’s the whole point of an adjustable-rate mortgage; to fuck you over when interest rates increase. If I ever was put in the situation of having an adjustable rate, I’d sure as fuck be aware of when my rate would increase. It’s bad enough property and school taxes constantly get increased; you don’t need the biggest purchase of your life to drastically fluctuate in cost due to a tweak of a percentage point or two.

It got even better. Just below this article was one by columnist Jeff Brown of the Philadelphia Inquirer talking about the risks of adjustable rate mortgages. In his second paragraph, he says that more people than ever are applying for adjustable-rate mortgages. I guess this means that in another year or two, we’ll hear about how the wretched economy is kicking people out of their homes when in fact these people did it to themselves. I also bet these people bought SUVs, only to bitch when the cost of gasoline rises.

My Thoughts On Napoleon Dynamite

I bought this movie for $5 last year because I heard good things about this film. And then I actually watched this piece of shit. What was the fucking point of this movie? The whole time I’m waiting for some payoff that will make the 90 minutes I spent viewing this unfunny crap worthwhile, and what do I get? Some white boy who makes me look like finalist to the show “Breakdancing with the Stars.” One reason I do not trade in movies, CDs or video games that I purchase is because I always say to myself there will that time in the future when I’ll feel like watching/listening/playing this forgettable purchase. Napoleon Dynamite is really making me take a long, hard look at this policy. And this is coming from someone who has purchased (and still has!) Shaq Fu: The Return.

U.S./Italy World Cup Match Reaction

I’ll say this about the referee in the U.S./Italy game. If he called a game in South America like the way he called tonight’s match, I don’t think he’d be leaving the field alive. Oh, and earlier in this game I could have sworn I heard a “bull…shit” chant. Other countries sing, dance and play musical instruments at the World Cup; we yell “bullshit” over a bad call. Then again, I’m sure the other countries are saying equally obscene phrases, along with probably other chants like “Death to Israel” and “Jihad Jihad Jiahad” it’s just that I can’t understand what they’re saying. Finally, as I type the U.S. still hasn’t scored a goal yet in a game-and-a-half. The only goal they registered was from an Italian player putting it into his own net. I know we Americans have to import just about everything we use, but has it gotten so bad that we need to start importing soccer goals, too?

Flashbacks Of My World Cup

While watching Ghana stun the Czech Republic 2-0 earlier today, I couldn’t help but think back to when I laced up the cleats and participated in this regional soccer tournament back during my school days. Every year this college about an hour or so from where I lived hosted this tournament, and its rules were pretty much the same as the World Cup’s; we played three games from our group (although each group had more than just four teams) and then the winner of our group played the winner of the other group in our division. In our first two games we won by scores of 1-0. Even though we didn’t lose and allow a goal, we were still in danger of not advancing because there was another team that was 2-0 in group play and had scored more goals than us, which was the first tie-breaker. We won our third game 3-0 and managed to advance to the final game. Funny enough, we were playing against another team that was also from our area/township. In 90+ degree heat we played to a scoreless tie. We then played four overtime periods, which also went scoreless. The game ended in a 0-0 tie, and even though we didn’t “win,” this tournament was a great experience for me because during my soccer days I played the position of defenseman. My team may not have won the whole thing, but when you play good defense you can be assured that you won’t lose, either. Well, at least you won’t lose before tie-breakers are factored in.

Anyway, the reason I got a flashback to this tournament years ago was because in the Ghana/Czech game there was a penalty kick which was whistled off and had to be re-done. The same thing happened in my championship game. Our team got awarded a penalty kick, which would have sealed the deal for us. When the players got lined up, our forward kicked the ball into the net. However, the referee called the goal off because about 20 seconds before the kick someone FROM THE OTHER TEAM walked across the space between the kicker and the goalie (our player missed on the second attempt). To this day I still don’t understand the reasoning for the call back, especially considering that once the penalty kick was taken, play got stopped and the defending team got the ball back in the form of a goal kick. But in the end I got my medal, so it’s all good.

This Case Warranted Alito On The Bench

From the same Court that brought you the Miranda warning 40 years ago now say police don’t have to knock before coming in with a search warrant. Well of course they don’t, because thanks to George W. Bush they already collect all the evidence they need while illegally wiretapping your phone. Oh, and the deciding vote went to Alito. Woo-hoo. Here’s hoping Bush gets to appoint at least one more black-robed lawyer to keep the Ginsburgs and Bryers in the back of the classroom.

Vermont And The Death Penalty/Lack Thereof

Wow, first a red diaper doper baby Vermont judge gives a repeated child molester a two-month sentence.

Claiming he no longer believes in punishment, a Vermont judge issued a 60-day sentence to a man who confessed to repeatedly raping a girl over a four-year period, beginning when she was 7 years old.

Now, on the other side of the spectrum in the same state, some piece of shit got hit with the death penalty for kidnapping and murdering a supermarket worker. Even though this is the first time in nearly 50 years someone has been sentenced to death in this state, he’ll probably croak from old age before dying from the needle.

Betting On Conventional Sports Wisdom Might Not Be The Smart Thing To Do This Year

This is interesting. The Mavericks were up two games to none on the Miami Heat coming to Miami. No team has ever won three consecutive home games since the NBA Finals went to a 2-3-2 home/away game format. Now the Heat have tied the series up at two. Conventional wisdom will say that since no team has ever one three straight home games that Dallas is sure to win Game 5. However, earlier this year the conventional wisdom was that no NFL Wild Card team that played all of its postseason games on the road would win a Super Bowl.

I’d Rather Get My News Elsewhere

Bye Dan. I’m sure the two or three people that still think you matter will be starting a vicious letter-writing campaign to cBS over kicking you to the curb. Remember … courage.

Owing An Apology For Going Helmet-less

After Big Ben “apologized” for his motorcycle accident, there has been a stupid topic going through the Shittsburgh sports-talk radio circuit. The debate is should Ben “apologize” for the fans? What a stupid fucking argument. Of course he shouldn’t. I was listening to some callers say he “owes it” to the fans because they pay for Ben’s salary. Whatever. So I guess the next time you’re in a fast-food restaurant and your cashier doesn’t do cartwheels when getting your fries you should demand them to apologize because they owe it to you since you “pay their wages”? Fuck you. Like someone isn’t going to go to a Steelers game because Ben isn’t the quarterback; what did you people do for the 70+ years when he wasn’t the Steelers QB?

Supermarket Scanner Spokesman

The last few trips to the grocery store were rather normal for me, and I was starting to get worried that my usually fun excursions to Giant Eagle were no more. Today let me know I still had my magic touch. While getting my personal shopping scanner (for those that don’t know what I’m talking about, look here) this couple was trying to get theirs turned on. The problem was they didn’t scan their Giant Eagle Advantage Card, which activates one of these scanners for you. As I began stocking up on grocery bags, I knew they would be asking me how I got mine activated. Sure enough, once I got my scanner started, they looked at me with the same look cavemen gave a companion who had just rubbed two sticks together for several hours and created this red, hot thing. After giving them a brief tutorial on the joys of the Giant Eagle’s Personal Shopper Scanner, I went off to do my shopping.

My first stop at the grocery store is always the produce section, which is where the better half usually buys some fruit that ends up spoiling because she never finishes what she starts. Since she wasn’t with me today, I was able to get some stuff on sale, so the eventual trip these perishable items will take into the garbage can won’t piss me off as much. While I was bagging some bananas this old guy just walks up to me and says, “Look at what these people (Giant Eagle) are trying to get away with.” He proceeded to tell me that even though Giant Eagle has a certain brand of potatoes “on sale,” two 5 lb bags for $5, there’s another brand right next to the “bargain” potatoes that were in 10 lb bags for $3.99. I responded, “Well maybe someone would just want to buy one 5 lb bag of potatoes for $2.50.” He then gave me this evil look left in a huff. Fuck you, you old bastard. I’m with you on the fact that people don’t read price labels all that carefully, but don’t get your diapers in a knot just because I dared exercise some independent thought that went above and beyond your “In my day during the Depression I could get a full tank of gas for a dime, and the station attendant would change my car’s oil and rotate my tires at no additional charge.” I actually like it when these old bastards complain about the cost of everything nowadays, because that’s the perfect time to remind them “in those days you only made a quarter a week.”

Finally, after I finished my shopping and was paying for everything at personal shopper checkout aisle, this other old guy began asking me about that scanner I used to ring up my groceries with. I proceeded to spend about five minutes explaining to him the same things I went over with the couple in the first paragraph. But hey, I don’t mind. Everyone’s got to learn sometime. And besides, doing acts of charity like showing someone how to use a scanner evens out (or at least I hope it does) the bad karma I accumulate for the other times when I’m a bastard.

Speaking of being nice, on the drive home from work today, there was another old guy who was trying to get into my lane from a parking lot next to me. Seeing how we were at a stoplight, I made the motion for him to get in front of me. When he did this, I saw what this old bastard had for bumper stickers. From right to left: “Kerry/Edwards,” “Seniors for Kerry,” and “I did NOT vote for Bush.” Had I only received this information beforehand he would have not had such an easy time of trying to get back on Rte 30. Actually, I feel sorry for people that get mad after seeing a pro-candidate bumper sticker for someone they wouldn’t vote for in a million years. When I had my Bush bumper sticker in my rear window back in ’04, I didn’t get any reaction, which surprised, and disappointed, me because I drive through some extremely pro-Democrat areas to and from Shittsburgh. I did have one guy give me a “thumbs up” however; he had a Bush sticker on his car, too. And while I’m talking about bumper stickers, I wonder if people will get the joke if I put a “Run Hillary Run” bumper sticker on the front of my car come 2008 should the Beast get the Democrat nomination?

A 0-0 Is The Goal Of Some Teams

Wow. The Poland/Germany World Cup game is on and Poland is trying to eek out a 0-0 tie. This would be a win for them because one of their players got red-carded earlier in the game. In the 90th minute two German players, just a few feet away from Poland’s goal, took point-blank shots and hit the crossbar each time. Well this all doesn’t matter because as I’m typing this Germany just scored. Having played several games of soccer as a kid, I can say giving up a goal in the waning minutes of a tied game is probably one of the worst feelings you can get when playing this sport. Well that or unsuccessfully trapping a rock-hard ball with your inner thigh in freezing weather without wearing a jock strap. I think the worst thing about that whole experience was I couldn’t just kneel over and cry, even though I wanted to more than anything else at that moment in time. After I cleared the ball from my area I tried “walking” the pain off. Didn’t work. Not by a long shot.

Steaking Out A Position On The English Language

With all the shit that Philadelphia is dealing with – crime, poverty, failing government schools – it’s nice to know they’re going to come down hard on a guy operating a cheesesteak place just because he has a “Speak English when ordering” sign.

The sign contains just eight words and is hardly big enough to wrap around a cheesesteak. But here in South Philadelphia, home of the cheesesteak, the sign that Joey Vento posted at Geno’s Steaks speaks volumes.

It reads: “This Is America. When Ordering Please Speak English.”

Vento, whose Italian grandparents arrived in America unable to speak English, faces a discrimination complaint from the city’s Commission on Human Relations, which said the English-only sign may violate city laws.

At a time when illegal immigration has become a divisive national issue, the tiny sign above the bright orange tile at a local culinary institution has sharpened the debate in a neighborhood founded by Italian immigrants. Though some civic leaders are appalled, many Geno’s customers insist that everyone in America should speak English — and express themselves freely.

“Hey, what happened to freedom of speech?” customer Al Buck asked Tuesday, clutching a hot cheesesteak and sporting a T-shirt with a red, white and blue message: “Welcome to America — Now Speak English.”

Vento, 66, has said the sign is aimed at illegal immigrants in a community where the Mexican population has grown in recent years. He told the Associated Press on Monday that the sign would remain, even if the city fined him. “They would have to handcuff me and take me out because I’m not taking it down,” he said.

City Councilman James F. Kenney has called the sign “divisive and mean-spirited,” not to mention “bad for the neighborhood and bad for tourism.” The Philadelphia Convention and Visitors Bureau, concerned about the city’s image, reminded everyone that the city values immigrants’ “culture, vibrancy and history.”

A Philadelphia Inquirer editorial called Vento’s policies “boneheaded,” which may explain why he is no longer speaking to the newspaper, or any newspaper.

Damned If You Do/Don’t

Is it any surprise that more than a billion of dollars worth of fraud is now coming to light in wake of the Hurricane Katrina aftermath? I’m surprised the amount is that low. In a way I feel for the faceless administrators and pencil pushers that gave away this money like it was water, but not the kind that strands you on your rooftop. After all, if they actually took their time to research each claim and determine whether it was legitimate or not, they would get the third degree for being cold-hearted and dragging their feet while dead bodies were piling up in the Superdome freezer.

Non-Profit Money Management Indeed

So I’ve been listening to this financial guy on RIGHT-WING RADIO Dave Ramsey for a while now, and it’s a pretty enjoyable show. Basically, he talks to people about their money matters. I don’t learn much, if anything, from this program, but goddamn are some of his callers funny. There was one the other day that was great. This lady called and said that her and the hubby have more than $200,000 worth of student loan debt between them. The husband went to law school, passed the Bar exam and then became a stay-at-home dad once they produced a little crumb snatcher. Sorry, but when you go to law school you don’t get to be a stay-at-home anything unless it’s a private practice. But the best part was when Dave asked her what she did for a living. She said that she spent more than $100,000 for her Master’s Degree education. And just what was that Degree in? Non-profit Money Management. You can’t make this shit up.

Playing With Protestors

Just when I thought I was turning into a commie, I get thrust back into reality. Yesterday I had to drive to a pharmacy about 15-20 minutes away from my house to pick up a prescription for my one cat who’s suffering from a urinary tract infection. As I was turning onto the road leading up to this store, I noticed this long, silver-haired guy standing on a corner with a sign reading something like, “2000 soldiers dead is 2000 too much,” or something of that nature. After my pleasant visit to the pharmacy (the vet screwed up the dosage amount or something; I was then told that it would take at least an hour to fill and that they would deliver the drugs to my house) I got the chance to drive past this idiot. Remembering the good ol’ days back when I lived at Sappy Valley, which had a student protest about something-or-other several times a week, I got to re-live the vigor of my youth. As I was waiting patiently by the yield sign where he was standing, I pointed at him, laughed and yelled, “Get a job, hippie!” The rest of the drive home was gravy.

This made me think back to all the good times I had making fun of protesters and their stupid causes. Now I doubt nothing will be better than the time I took a “Free Mumia” flyer from some pseudo-hippie during one of those Penn State marches, shoved it down my pants, wiped my crack with it, and gave it back to dumbfounded protestor-ette. However, there was another time that ranks right up there. I mentioned this story a few times at the TSM boards, but it bears repeating so here I go again.

[Flashback mode on]

I was manning some stupid booth for a school club I was part of during my college days when suddenly, about 20 or so feet across from me, these two bald-headed women from the SOCIALIST EQUALITY PARTY started setting up their stand to pass out propaganda to the mindless teens and twenty-somethings that roamed the halls. Now this duo had all the usual posters up for leftist causes like “Free Mumia,” “Abortion is a choice,” and “Lift the embargo on Cuba.” However, they had one that pissed me off, and that was “Jail the cops who killed Johnny Gammage.” Now back around 1995, there was the Steeler – Ray Seals – who had a cousin that got pulled over in the middle of the night by a group of Shittsburgh PO-lice. Instead of doing what the officers told him to do, Gammage started some shit with them. One thing led to another and the PO-lice eventually had Gammage pinned to the road, where he died of asphyxiation. The day before my booth-sitting one of the officers, John Vojtas, got acquitted. (Or was it a mistrial? I forget.) This of course pissed off just about every lefty out there. Now I guess it was a shame the guy died and all, but it could have been prevented if he didn’t start shit with the cops. So to that I say fuck him. Anyway, I had been hearing this hippie psychobabble for a day or so now, and when you’re in a liberal arts shithole like I was in, days can seem like years. (Here’s some background info on the case: Link 1. Link 2.

It was at this time when a chick I knew came up and we started talking. I went to get several pieces of paper, some tape and a Sharpie. As she saw me write in large letters “Vojtas Acquitted: One Down, Three To Go,” she started laughing and said, “You’re on you own.” I taped the sign up to my booth, sat back and waited. About 10 minutes went by when I got my first threat by some black chick. Another five or so minutes went by before I got my second threat. These exchanges were nothing note-worthy; just garbage like “What’s this?” and “You think the cops are innocent?” Each time I politely responded and said that Gammage could have prevented his death by obeying the officers. Another person came up to me shortly thereafter and threatened to rip my sign down, to which I smiled and said, “Well then I’ll just make another.” That didn’t go over too well. After a few more threats, the Assistant to the Dean of Students visited me and told me to take my sign down. When I asked why she replied, “Because I’ve been getting complaints all morning about it.” When I pointed out that the feminazis across from me had similar inflammatory rhetoric posted, this pencil pusher said, “They reserved that booth to talk about those subjects, you didn’t reserve this booth to do that.” When I pointed out that the Gammage decision took place yesterday and I doubted that the SOCIALIST EQUALITY PATY reserved that booth as late as yesterday afternoon to talk about the Gammage mistrial, this lady looked at me, sighed and said, “If I tell them to take their sign down will you take yours down, too?” It was at that point I cashed in my chips. Gee, I had always thought that Academia encouraged free thought and expression. For the record I did get one voice of support, but that was from a kid who probably grew up to be a bigger curmudgeon than me. Hey, I’ll take what I can get.

[/Flashback mode off]

Now back to yesterday’s events. The pharmacy people screwed up my address, so instead of getting those meds I mentioned above at 6:30 p.m., which was when I was told they would be delivered, they didn’t show up until 8 p.m., and that was after I had to give the courier directions over the phone three separate times, which is unfortunate because my house is just a shot across Route 30. Then again, if you’re looking for “Fourth” Drive instead of “Forrest” Drive, you might be in your vehicle for a while. Also, the delivery guy had a Ben Roethlisberger t-shirt on; I guess he was hoping the power of the shirt would help Big Ben’s surgical efforts.

Bud’s Weak Sales Pitch

Bud Selig is now talking about keeping pitchers slated for the All-Star game from pitching the Sunday before this exhibition game “that counts.” If Bud wants the MLB’s best arms for this game, then let teams take a week off before and after this stupid game.

An Ass Suing For Assault

You know what’s sad about this story? I bet the defendant wins, or at least gets a reduced jail sentence. And defense lawyers wonder why they’re so despised.

A man is suing an auto-parts store for assault and battery after he attempted to hold up the business and employees responded by beating him with a metal pipe.

Dana Buckman, 46, walked into an auto shop brandishing a semiautomatic pistol last summer, only to have it turned on him by two AutoZone employees, police said. The men beat Buckman with a metal pipe and held him with his own gun.

Buckman escaped and was arrested a week later.

He pleaded guilty to first-degree robbery and was sentenced to 18 years in prison as a repeat violent felon.

Buckman claims the men chased him out of the store and continued to beat him. He is suing the auto shop and the men for the injuries he suffered and for emotional distress.

“In some respects, you wonder if a case like this even needs a defense. It speaks for itself,” said lawyer Patrick B. Naylon, who represents AutoZone and the employees.

But lawyer Phillip R. Hurwitz, who represents Buckman, said the employees crossed the line by pursuing Buckman and attacking him.

“The danger was past,” Hurwitz said. “These two employees took it upon themselves to go after Mr. Buckman after he left the store.”

The Enemy And My Enemy Is … Making It Me Hard To Cheer Someone On

When watching the World Cup Sunday, I didn’t know who to cheer for in the Iran/Mexico game. Should I pull for the country that is sneaking over the border and refusing to assimilate with American culture or side with the country that wants to nuke my backyard? After much thought, I decided that I feel more for the Iranians. I’m sure at least half of them would chop my head off if given the chance, but it’s too bad they got an extremely unfavorable reaction from the crowd over the policies of their wacko president/prime minister/whatever he’s called. Wow. I really am turning into a commie.

Big Ben’s Big Wreck

Oh God help me. Big Ben just got into a motorcycle accident and is currently listed in serious but stable condition. He wasn’t wearing a helmet. Well at least I know what is going to be the top story in my area for the next month or so. I don’t know who was at fault in this accident, but if it’s not Ben, the other motorist, even if he or she is from out of state, will be wishing to be Steve Bartman when it’s all said and done. And while I’m on the subject, I can’t wait to hear all the cries of hysteria over Pennsylvania amending its helmet law a few years ago so motorcyclists can opt not to wear this headgear. The local media have already shifted their resources to the scene of the crash, Steelers Headquarters, and the hospital where Ben was taken. Nice to see they focus on the important things in life; little wonder why I don’t take the Shittsburgh media all that seriously.