When Pigs Fly

Hmm, we elect a half-breed Muslin and now we’re facing a pig epidemic. Coincidence? I think not.

Actually, what makes me LOL is the talk about how the pig flu shouldn’t result in sealing off our borders.

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano defended the government’s response at a press conference Monday afternoon as reporters asked her about the risk of asymptomatic swine flu carriers entering the country.

Napolitano said the strategy of identifying and isolating those who seem ill and try to cross into the United States was adequate given the circumstances, as a reporter asked if closure of the border had been considered.

“We’re already doing passive surveillance at the border,” Napolitano said. “You would close the border if you thought you could contain the spread of disease, but the disease already is in a number of states within the United States.”

“Passive surveillance.” You’re not kidding, bitch. And if by “disease” you mean “invaders” then we actually agree on something. First it was bad produce from Mexicans shitting in lettuce fields, now this. But I guess the invaders that cross our borders are just the epitome of good hygiene.

Filthy Sanchez

I watched more of this year’s NFL Draft than I should. Here’s what I don’t get: What’s with all the Mark Sanchez hoopla?

Good quarterback? Sure.

Second best of the draft? Probably.

First-round pick? Why not.

Fifth overall? Meh.

I don’t see him being a superstar in the NFL. Then again, I thought Matt Ryan was a bad pick at number 3 last year.

This Entry Is In The Bag (Err, Pocket; Err, Shitter)

I would like to take this time to dedicate an entry to something that gets shit on for no reason.

That’s right. An ode to the Lean Pocket.

Classify This Request As “Denied”

So President Hussein is all about revealing classified documents.

Four former CIA directors opposed releasing classified Bush-era interrogation memos, officials say, describing objections that went all the way to the White House and slowed release of the records.

Former CIA chiefs Michael Hayden, Porter Goss, George Tenet and John Deutch all called the White House in March warning that release of the so-called “torture memos” would compromise intelligence operations, current and former officials say. The officials spoke on condition of anonymity in order to detail internal government discussions.

President Hussein ultimately overruled those concerns after internal discussions that intensified in the weeks after the former directors intervened. The memos were released Thursday.

Any chance we can get a declassification of your birth certificate, President Pile-O-Shit?

Part Of The Maddening Crowd

There’s a lot of people that can’t stand John Madden (the video game mogul, not the hockey player). I am not one of them. Sure he provides almost zero insight in his announcing game, but I don’t care. As a kid, I always loved listening to him and Pat Summerall call NFC games on cBS (yes, I even use this lame gag in the sports department). When they moved to OMGFAUXSPORTSLOL1994 (yes again), I knew they were starting to lose their edge. Man was it painful to witness Summerall try and keep up with announcing starting lineups even as the player profiles zipped past him. Madden wasn’t much better. However, a few years back I realized that these two weren’t going to be around forever. When Madden was teamed up with Al Michaels, I began to make it a point to have NBC’s Sunday night games on as often as possible. I knew these were the end of days for the way I heard football, and I just wanted to soak up every “uhhh” and “boom” I could.

While I’m on this subject, I have to say that this train of thought was even moreso for how I felt about Summerall. Whenever I hear him from time-to-time (the most recent being the 2009 Sugar Bowl), I have the same reaction: Pat’s not going to be around forever; enjoy listening to the play-by-play, even if it’s not all that good. While other people perform religious rituals in the name of tradition, I turn to old football broadcasters if I want to remember a simpler time. Christ I’m pathetic.

As I said at the start of all this. Didn’t like Madden? Well now you have your wish. As for me, I have a generation-plus of memories PLUS the video games.

T-Time

Tea Party baby!

…

Meh. Shittsburgh had a few. Didn’t bother going. Why? Because I had to work.

Have Hannity’s show on, and while I’m rolling my eyes every time I hear OMG THIS COULD BE THE START OF CHANGE IN WASHINGTON~ there are some funny signs in the crowd. Wish I could remember some. Here we go…

“Spread my work ethic around.”

*Sign with a tea bag pwing a pitcher of Kool-Aid.”

“Obsama Economics: Trickle Up Poverty.” I like this one.

“535 people control us.” Ain’t that the truth. Don’t forget the red diaper doper babies.

Hey, I’m drinking a cup of Lipton tea as I type. I’M PART OF THE SOLUTION~!

And Just Who Shut Detroit Down?

I’m not much of a John Rich fan. I know we vote for the same people, and I do like a few songs his group has done. Not much of a country/new country/whatever it’s called, but I’m not going to hate on it.

With that said, I don’t get this song.

Detroit pretty much shut itself down YEARS ago. When I think of the bossman getting his bankroll roll, the last thing that comes to mind is the Motor City. Actually, it would probably be more of a mercy kill at this point.

Something tells me I’m going to get really sick of this song really quick, if I haven’t done so already.

Failing The Inflated Grade

So whose bright idea was this? From a Dallas Morning Snooze editorial.

Before we all blow a mutual gasket, let’s examine this minimum-grade policy that has so many people so worked up.

After all, mandating that no student report card may show a grade lower than 50 – or, in some places, 70 – has its earnest proponents.

Giving a kid a zero or a 15 or a 48, they argue, only breeds further failure. Providing a minimum-grade “safety net” ensures students won’t fall so far behind that they lose all hope of catching up again.

You know what the minimum-grade “safety net” be? A score of ZERO~!

This isn’t going to damage Johnny’s self-esteem. It’s going to make Johnny be an even lazier shit because he knows that even without doing any work he’s going to get some kind of score and probably simply advance onto the next grade level.

Seriously, if someone is getting a 10 percent on his report card, I doubt he’s going to put forth any effort to “catch up.” When I was in eighth grade, I almost failed and had to repeat. If I didn’t take a full slate of summer school classes, including one that was a “do-it-from-home-and-send-in-your-exam-via-mail” I would have been part of the class of 1995 instead of 1994. What was my excuse? I was a lazy shit. What was my motivation for passing? Not spending another year in the 8th grade, where I would have been ridiculed to the point of suicide (and rightfully so).

Minimum grade “safety net.” Does this mean extra credit is a “stimulus package”?

This Human Rights Asshole Isn’t Kidding Around

Great job, President Hussein. Those Somalian sea merchants your jack-booted thugs murdered were just CHILDREN~!

U.S. officials, in deciding how to handle the lone surviving pirate from the hostage-taking of an American ship captain, must weigh the violence of the suspect’s actions against his surprisingly young age.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates said Monday the four pirates were between 17 and 19 years old.

If this kid is turned over the the U.S. court, I wonder what his shit-bag public defender will be lobbying for when it comes to his client’s age?

U.S. officials are now considering whether to bring the unidentified suspect to the United States or possibly turn him over to Kenya. If he is brought to the U.S., he’d most likely be put on trial in New York or Washington.

Both piracy and hostage-taking carry life prison sentences under U.S. law.

Oh come on now. He’s just a child. How could he know that the boom-boom stick would cause boo-boos?

Verifying the background of this particular teenager may be difficult to impossible. Somalia has suffered nearly 20 years of anarchy, ruled chaotically by rival clans employing pickup trucks mounted with anti-aircraft guns.

N*gga plz. We don’t even know the real ages of little league baseball players from New York City. No way in hell we’re getting this Somalian’s real age.

My Other Car Was Purchased By Osama

Whenever I drive to and from work, the better half and I have to trek through some left-wing neighborhoods. How do I know these communities are commie? Because in 2004 all the lawns were plastered with “Kerry” signs, and in 2008 “Osama” ruled the day. Hell, the signs are still up.

In addition to these signs, there are also a multitude of other symbols proving the left-wing infection of these areas. Bumper stickers such as “The Bush Legacy: Leave No Child A Dime” and “Endless War” with the “less” crossed out and “this” taking its place. [My personal favorite is “Mission (Nothing) Accomplished.”]

Why am I talking about this? Well, there was another retarded bumper sticker that I constantly see on vehicles in this neighborhood. It reads “My other vehicle is a PAT bus.” It’s supposed to be some endorsement of public transportation; a public transportation system that is bankrupt. Well, now it’s time for another bumper sticker. “My other vehicle was purchased by President Hussein, and that half-breed Muslin won’t give me the keys.”

In a bid to help battered US automakers, President Hussein announced Thursday he was accelerating the government’s purchase of 17,600 new US-made, fuel-efficient vehicles.

“This is only a first step, but I will continue to ensure that we are working to support the American auto industry during this difficult period of restructuring,” he said in a statement released by the White House.

The US government’s General Services Administration (GSA) will spend about 285 million dollars in economic stimulus monies to buy the vehicles from General Motors, Chrysler and Ford by June 1, the White House said…

Fighting ‘Round The World

I never saw this clip before. I always wondered what Crowe thought about that episode. If looks could kill.

All he needed to say was, “it was funny” and move on. All that shit after the question of, “So you found a certain amount of humor in it?” N*gga plz.

USA! USA!

So for some reason I started reading this article about how the USA network is doing great. Nothing worthwhile to post until I came to this part of the article.

USA might seem like a coveted name for television, with the American flag a potent symbol. Yet USA didn’t really stand for anything as a network; some people likened it to an old shoe, and the American flag USA was using as an on-air calling card was polarizing (so the network dropped it).

Polarizing? The hell? So what if you don’t get good ratings in San Francisco?. Fuck ’em. Well, don’t fuck ’em literally. You might get the AIDS.

P-words Of The Seven Seas

Don’t you know that using the term “Pirate” is one of the worst thing you can do to a Muslim male?

Often, though, the pirates are friendly and helpful, though they detest use of the p-word. “We never kill people. We are Muslims. We are marines, coastguards — not pirates,” one said.

Hostages say the pirates are normally as friendly as they can be under the circumstances. While they threaten to shoot or beat them if they do not cooperate, they also roast goat for their captives and pass phones around for calls home.

Oh, and way to go President Hussein. Just thumb your nose up at the world community and go in with guns blazing like some cowboy Chicago street thug. Now the Muslims pirates are really going to hate us. Couldn’t we have written up a resolution or something? And just how many of your relatives did you off in the process? I know somebody who won’t be invited to the next goat bbq.

And just think, when the next time pirates hijack a ship, they will be more inclined to kill the passengers. I hope you can live with that blood on your hands. Maybe then you will think using sanitizer is a good thing.

Adding New Examples Of Media Whores

So this is what Rush was probably talking about yesterday during the 2 p.m. monologue (I was tuning in and out and missed the actual segment, but he said earlier in the program there was something regarding the LA Times he was going to comment on).

Link.

The Los Angeles Times has taken the unusual step of running an advertisement that resembles a news story on its front page.

The ad for the new NBC program “Southland” runs the width of one column in the bottom half of Thursday’s front page. It is labeled as an advertisement and has the NBC logo at the top, but occupies space previously used for news.

The text is adjacent to a banner ad for the TV show at the bottom of the page.

Calls seeking comment from the Times and NBC Universal were not immediately returned.

“Unusual step”? LOL

Striking Out With Bad Puns

From an AIM conversation regarding a Facebook status update. Yes, I know I’m going to hell.

Fww76 (11:56:37 AM): Sam Barron picked up Nick Adenhart in fantasy. Hope he’s good!
Fww76 (11:56:43 AM): I laughed.
pr0p43t1c1n3 (11:56:50 AM): hahahahahaha
Fww76 (12:14:51 PM): I can’t stop myself
pr0p43t1c1n3 (12:15:05 PM): from?
Fww76 (12:15:13 PM): bob batrron’s comment
Fww76 (12:15:19 PM): me: I laughed. I’m horrible. I know.
Fww76 (12:15:25 PM): some other person: too soon
Fww76 (12:15:28 PM): me: You probably could have snagged him in a later round.
pr0p43t1c1n3 (12:15:41 PM): bwahahaha
pr0p43t1c1n3 (12:15:45 PM): he’s a sleeper
Fww76 (12:15:51 PM): OH MAN
Fww76 (12:16:03 PM): good one
pr0p43t1c1n3 (12:16:10 PM): hopefully his manager doesn’t throw him under the bus
Fww76 (12:16:13 PM): going … going … gone
Fww76 (12:16:18 PM): *flatline*
Fww76 (12:16:36 PM): ]he could play in the national league
Fww76 (12:16:42 PM): he’s a contact hitter
pr0p43t1c1n3 (12:17:47 PM): lolol

But on a serious note, I hope the shithead that ran into that pitcher isn’t an illegal. Otherwise, he/she will be out of jail by now.

Reeeeelax, Guy

You know, I think I remember hearing about this years ago.

Matt Stone and Trey Parker, the creators of South Park, were given a signed photo of Saddam Hussein by US marines after the former Iraqi leader was shown their movie in prison.

During his captivity, US marines forced Saddam, who was executed in 2006, to repeatedly watch the movie South Park: Bigger, Longer And Uncut, which shows him as gay, as well as the boyfriend of Satan. He was also regularly depicted in a similar manner during the TV series.

The admission comes with the show’s 13th season already running in the US. It will celebrate its 12th anniversary later this year.

The show, which satirises a wide range of topics, including religion, sexuality and mental illness, has won a number of awards including three Emmys for Outstanding Animated Programme.

Recent episodes have seen Barack Osama using his Presidential victory as a way to steal jewels from Washington in an Oceans 11-style heist.

It also recently depicted the United States Treasury as deciding economic measures by cutting the head off a chicken and letting it run on a game show style board, landing on a decision.

Stone, 37, said both he and Parker, 39, were most proud of the signed Saddam photo, given to them by the US Army’s 4th Infantry Division.

He said: “We’re very proud of our signed Saddam picture and what it means. Its one of our biggest highlights.

“I have it on pretty good information from the marines on detail in Iraq that they showed Saddam the movie.

“Over and over again – which is a pretty funny thought.

“That’s really adding insult to injury.”

And I think I made the same “one of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male,” remark back then, too.

If it ain’t broke…

Pot Calling The Kettle Beck

I only skimmed through this story…

On March 23, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner unveiled the Osama Administration’s toxic-bank-assets plan. The stock markets cheered the news, sending the Dow up 497 points.

This meant one thing: it was time for Glenn Beck to break out the Jenga set.

The new populist superstar of Fox News has made a refrain of predicting that government policies are leading to disaster — dark, ruinous, blood-in-the-streets kind of disaster. Pausing for a 17-minute speech rebutting his critics for calling him “dangerous” and “crazy,” he took out the block-tower game. On opposite sides of the tower were written the words solution and problem, taxpayer and children. Then he spent much of the hour critiquing the plan, all the while pulling pieces from the wobbling tower and stacking them on top. (Read an interview with Glenn Beck.)

For Beck, Jenga is a metaphor for the plan’s risk. But it is also a metaphor for Beck’s show, which teeters from humor to predictions of apocalypse to self-esteem sermons to fits of weeping. (“I’m sorry. I just love my country. And I fear for it.”) This is what makes it so compelling: the breathless feeling that at any moment, everything could spectacularly collapse…

…His hook, for the age of economic anxiety: whereas O’Reilly embodies anger and Hannity brashness, Beck embraces fear.

Fear of what? Take your pick. Fear that the U.S. is on a long march to fascism. (As evidence, Beck cited — on April Fools’ Day but apparently seriously — the inclusion of fasces on the Mercury dime in 1916.) That fat cats and bureaucratic “bloodsuckers” are plundering your future. That Mexico will collapse and chaos will pour over the border. That America believes too little in God and too much in global warming. That “they” — Big Government, Big Business, Big Medium-Large Media — are against you. Above all, that you, small-town, small-business America — Palinville — have been forgotten. Dismissed. Laughed at. Just like him.

…but what I found most entertaining was that Slime Magazine was commenting on Beck and his apocalyptic views. Yet that is what Medium-Large Media does EVERY DAY!! (Except for stories involving President Hussein and other Half-Breed Muslins.)

A POSITIVE Peta Partnership

OK, I hope you’re sitting down, because I’m going to say “good job Peta.”

For those that don’t know about Marcus Luttrell, peep the Glenn Beck video.

How does Peta factor in all this? On Beck’s show today he said that Peta had a cash reward for information leading up to the capture of the lone getaway suspect. The suspect has since been obtained by the authorities.

Osama’s Pirate Policy — Arrrrgh

Wow President Hussein, you’re so courageous.

You know why you won’t say anything about the Somali Pirates?

Hitlery Warned There Would Be Entries Like This

I wonder how much joy Hitlery gets for calling President Hussein at all hours of the night?

Hitlery Clinton said there would be days — and nights — like this.

For the second time in four days and with less than three months in office, President Hussein has received the “3 a.m. phone call” that Clinton warned about. In their bitter presidential contest, Clinton suggested that her young rival was not ready for a national security crisis.

His tests are coming early: first from the borderline rogue government in North Korea, then from stateless bandits preying on shipping lanes off the East African coast.

Those calls presaged what surely will be many more middle-of-the-night wake-ups for Osama as he battles a scourge of stateless brigands and terrorists operating with near impunity across an increasingly interconnected globe. His response to the early crises are being watched for signals of how he confronts enemies who operate outside the old rule book of international relations.

How will President Hussein handle mean people? Like there is any doubt.

Guess That State

Here’s the headline:

Woman with beer can in hand starts brawl at wake

Can we guess what state she is from?

Don’t Bet On This Franchise Relocation

Out of all the cities out there to relocate a professional sports team, is Las Vegas really the ideal draw? What with the tourism challenges facing that location?

NHL commissioner Gary Bettman says the league is no closer to moving a team to Las Vegas, despite shifting its annual awards ceremony to Sin City for the next three years.

Bettman said Monday at the Palms Hotel Las Vegas that moving the awards will let the show expand with bigger and better events to celebrate hockey’s top players. He hopes Las Vegas’ reputation will attract more players, fans and celebrities to the show that honors the best of the best for that season.

But Bettman says the biggest barrier to Las Vegas getting its own sports team is building a new arena, which he believes would be difficult to finance now.

Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman believes that the NHL and NBA are the leagues most likely to put teams there.

Hosting an awards show there seems like a good idea. I’m sure with the glut of vacant hotels/centers there prices are good.

Speaking of empty seats, am I the only one that laughs whenever I watch a Red Wings game and sees half the stands empty? And am I the only one annoyed whenever an ESPN talking head says something like, “Well, I hope it works out for the *name of Detroit team* because Michigan has had a rough time due to the PRESIDENT HUSSEIN RECESSION economy.”

N*gga plz. Michigan has been in its own recession for so long now I can’t remember when it started.

A Cut-ler/Cunt-ler above The Rest, Depending On Your POV

So The Broncos unloaded their starting quarterback to the Bears.

The Broncos got quarterback Kyle Orton, two first-round draft picks and a third-rounder for Cutler, a quarterback that everyone knew they were going to trade, and a fifth-rounder.

Now there were two main questions through all the drama that took place over the last month or two.

Question 1: Which team got the better deal?

Answer 1: No clue, and there’s no way to tell until a year or so down the road. I think the better question is did Denver get all it could get from trading it’s pro bowl quarterback. That answer is a “yes” in my opinion. Let’s see what the Broncos do with the picks first — if they draft several solid players that solidify a struggling defensive unit or greatly enhance the offense, then yay. Also, it only takes one late hit or practice drill for Cutler to tear his ACL with Chicago. The better question to ask in all this is the following…

Question 2: Who was to blame for this clusterfuck between Cutler and the Broncos?

Answer 2: You can make a case for the head coach for trying to trade for Matt Cassel or for Cutler for being a crybaby upon finding out he was being treated like a piece of meat. However, I am siding with the latter in this case. If you are a new coach you need to treat the starter of your most important position differently than you would a second-unit player. Sorry, but that’s just the way it is. If you want to make the trade for your former team’s starting quarterback, then you better make sure that deal goes through. Also, those at the Broncos organization should have known Cutler would go batshit insane over this and warned Josh McDaniels about such a fallout. And the “I didn’t see Cutler’s reaction coming” excuse doesn’t work; I don’t follow the Broncos all that closely and I could tell he’s a walking tampon.

A Laugh With One NFL Mock Draft Bored

So I have never gotten into these “mock” drafts that I see popping up. What’s the point? OMG Bob Smith thought the team’s owner had a hot wife — he’s moving up to #6 in the draft, providing the Rams don’t trade that pick away to the Dolphins, which means Smith could be moved down to #43, when the Bears might want him provided Tyson McGill is drafted by the Colts at #36.

And these fucking things get updated/changed from week-to-week. These mock drafts are almost as bad as those “who’s on the bubble” lists that pop up in college basketball. THERE ARE STILL 10 GAMES TO BE PLAYED OVER THREE WEEKS — WHO GIVES A SHIT WHICH 4 TEAMS ARE THE LAST TO GET INTO THE TOURNAMENT AND LOSE IN THE FIRST ROUND? Want to make these lists during conference tournament? Fine. But they have NO POINT when there are still plenty of games to be played. I swear to christ these “mock drafts/who’s in/out” lists are almost as bad as blogs with assholes who just want to give their uninformed opinions for free because no real publication or viewing audience would want to actually pay for their drivel.

…

Where was I? Oh, yeah. Mock drafts. What was the point of this entry? Because that Todd McShay guy on ESPN recently had in his mock draft Andre Smith going to the Bengals. The same Andre Smith that flubbed the whole NFL Combine thing?

Gee, You Have To PAY To Attend College?

So because this week featured more than $200 in coupons in my Sunday right-wing Tribune Review, I had the better half get a Shittsburgh Post-Gazette from the store on her way home from her parents’ house. I keep this left-wing trash out of my house otherwise. I also just skim through this rag so I can remind myself why I don’t get a subscription to this liberal piece of shit.

Today’s edition had the following article.

College families feeling the pinch: Parents are worried about affordability for their college-bound kids, but students don’t always concur.

Oh, I had to read on.

Birthday Shit

So is it any coincidence that the Angry VG Nerd finishes up Shit Week on my 33rd?

I don’t care much for birthdays. Like Seinfeld said, it’s just another year you didn’t die. I did get the thinking though: this year my age is that of Larry Bird’s jersey. OK.

What other years will be the standout “jersey number” for me? Christ, I have no clue. I don’t know who wears what. But since I opened my mouth I might as well follow through:

33: Larry Bird
34: Uh, wasn’t Charles Barkley or Hakeem this number?
35: Neal Anderson (how do I remember that?)
36: Oh well, I lasted three years.
37-39: …
40: Bill Laimbeer.
41-44: …
45: Jordan, the Return.
46: …
47: Mel Blount(?)
48-50:…
51: Jack Ham
52: Mike Webster. Ew, that’s not a good person to represent a 50-something.
53-57:
58: Jack Lambert.
59-62:
63: Dermontti Dawson(?)
64-65: …
66: Mario Lemieux AND Alan Faneca.

And I’m spent. Living any time past these two will be gravy.

I Want This Pole Full Of Holes

So some shitdick decided to do the following this morning in the Shittsburgh region:

A heavily armed man who authorities say was lying in wait at his Stanton Heights home killed three Pittsburgh police officers and injured two others responding to a dispute this morning.

Police Chief Nate Harper this afternoon identified the dead officers as Stephen J. Mayhle, Eric G. Kelly and Paul J. Sciullo.

“It is truly a tragic and very sorrowful day,” Mayor Luke Ravenstahl said. “A senseless and tragic random act of violence took place on what began as a beautiful spring morning. … We will remember the three officers and the sacrifices they made…”

…Harper said Richard Poplawski, 22, shot Sciullo and Mayhle in the head with an assault rifle as they approached the house. Kelly, a 14-year veteran of the force, responded to the call on his way home and was killed as he tried to assist the other officers, Harper said.

Harper said the gunman was armed with an assault rifle, a regular rifle and plenty of ammunition. Police were called to the scene by Poplawski’s mother shortly before 7 a.m. Harper said the suspect began firing from a window.

Hundreds of bullets were fired by Poplawski and police, Harper and neighbors said…

Now here’s the best part.

Poplawski surrendered about 11 a.m.

And who says Polacks are dumb? I can’t wait to see some dipshit lawyer try to defend Poplawski’s actions either via abusive childhood or the PRESIDENT HUSSEIN RECESSION~!

The fact he was able to leave his mom’s house intact is utterly amazing. Not even the ACLU would sue the police for eliminating this waste of space.

…

Then again, they probably would.